Running circles in my mind

With my therapist today I looked at how my decision making seems to take me around in a circle. I start out wanting to be in the working world and doing development/environmental work but I come back to the ever pressing question of whether I should try tackle a PhD again. There still is a fear that lurks in the corner of failing again and not coping.
I have had a good run for quite a while now, without any major blips. My current cocktail of medication seems to be keeping me on an even keel and I have managed to not have to go on lithium which I am very thankful for. Slight mood swings do scare me slightly I won't lie. There is the fear of losing it again and sinking into another hellish emotional war zone. I wonder how much I over analyse elevations in my moods and fear them to be the first cruscendoes towards a manic pitch or how I am unnerved by dips and wonder how long and how deep they will go. In a way I can no longer take life's natural ups and downs as just that, instead of scrutinizing where they will lead me to. I need to try learn how to master these and not be cowered by them.

Another challenge from today's therapy session was to look at how I can fill up my days more so that I can try to cope with a full day's work and the stresses that go with it. At the moment I am doing bits and pieces and trying to keep myself occupied and employed. Tutoring biology and maths, trying to write a paper on collaborative mapping for indigenous community conservation initiatives, procrastinating on a report on the economic value of Mana Pools and in between doing some work on the Millennium Development Goals, my day is still unstructured and unfulfilled. This takes me back full circle though to my employment connundrum and the indecision regarding braving a PhD once more.