Raw nerves

The lithium numbness ebbs and I feel once more.
Judgement and avoidance by others for bearing my soul.
Mixed feeling about your return, things have changed, that is for sure.
Some understand and give me grace, others pass comments that grate.
Is my depression defining me? It is hard to separate it from my feelings
and I am trapped in this disease.
To seek wellness but a reliance on pills for a chemical balance,
but grateful for those who support and don't reject or scorn.

Reconnection

Last Friday I tried to take an overdose of lithium. I had stopped taking my antidepressant Venlor the previous week as it was thought to possibly be a cause of me passing blood. The colonoscopy on Wednesday showed this not to be the case but I remained off Venlor. My Mum left for England on Thursday and my mood crumbled and on Friday I felt suicidal most of the day, culminating in taking a whole lot of pills that night on my own. I came round in an emergency room to friends and have spent this week with my friend Sharon.

My mood has been mercurial and feeling cut off I made a drastic decision of contacting my Dad whom I have not heard from since I was 13. I have been in contact with him this week via Whatsapp. This has also unsettled me a bit. My Dad is still not taking medication for bipolar and he is a bit volatile. He claims his manic phases make him highly creative.

I have not seen my psych yet but friends are urging me to get a second opinion on my meds. Apparently lithium is more for treating manic episodes than depressive ones. I get more of the latter. I did meet someone who also has bipolar who sees a psychiatrist I was suggested and they are on the same combo of drugs I'm on.

Right now my lithium seems to be kicking in again and I feel emotionally numb but deep down there is still a lot of pain there.

Elsewhere

You are elsewhere when I needed you here.
My innermost demons are once again near.
Although there are others I feel alone.
And to my tumultuous mind I am prone.
Sink or swim I'm told but to what can I hold?
I feel cut off and left to the abyss that is me.