The things I do on a high

I have a habit of over committing myself when I am in an upbeat mood and setting myself up for failure as I set the bar too high. Often when I've been having lows when I do come out of them I'm on such a high I feel over enthusiastic about everything and come up with grand plans and schemes that are not always that easy to carry out. I contact people though and share my ideas and get them on my bandwagon which makes it ever harder to not live up to it. I know I do this and realize after what I've done but in the heat of the moment I make rash decisions and send the emails which can land me in a stew.

My latest was to reconsider a PhD again. I started contacting previous supervisors and local contacts to try do a PhD on wetlands. Having done all of this I then hit a low again and lost my motivation and drive. People still think I can do it but I start having doubts. In a way it is good when my ambition rises but then I have to question if a PhD is the mentally healthiest idea for me. We will see. It is out there and there is a need to do research on Harare's wetlands. If I'm going to do it I need to pick up the reins and ride with it.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.