Mood stabilizer

Well I saw my psych today and discussed things with her. She is increasing my current mood stabiliser elanzapine and I am going to then be put on lamotrigine. She does not want to change my anti-depressants as it could make me become manic. I am booked to go to the Well Woman Clinic next Wednesday to get them to also assess my mood swings around my menstrual cycle.

My doctor did say that some of it has been circumstantial and I need to work through that. The thought of going overseas for a longer period and decisions about my future may have been strong contributing factors. Went past Emirates on my way home and I'll have till next March to use my ticket. For the moment I need to just focus on getting my moods more stable.

I did go past the Chinese Embassy too to see if I can get some more students to use my CELTA. Got an email yesterday saying my certificate for CELTA has finally come through. There is also the possibility of doing a bit of relief biology teaching at Hellenic.

With the whole question of how much is my meds and how much was circumstances I found the following TED Talk by Neel Burton titled "The anatomy of melancholy - can depression be good for you?" interesting.

Faith and Fear

Tomorrow I see my psychologist at 9 to discuss my medication. I would like it to be reviewed or to be allowed to get a second opinion. Am in a good place right now but am hoping the post-menstrual dip I seem to keep getting isn't about to hit again. If I have to change the medication I am on I am hoping it won't mean a big change and hospitalisation but I guess if it could help me stabilise it could be worth it.

Had coffee with a friend who has been really supportive of me today and chatted about faith and depression a bit. Would still like to form a depression support group for others who also have faced similar challenges. 

Found the below article by Reinhard Bonke food for thought. Thinking a lot about faith.

Part 2 - Analysis of Sin

This Bible study has been taken from chapter 22 of FAITH THE LINK WITH GOD'S POWER

Sin in Scripture is tied to unbelief. When we have no faith in God, we have no fear of God. Unless we fear God, we will certainly be sinful. If God is treated with contempt, His judgments and holiness will be mocked. No belief in God means no restraint on evil. The cause of any major rise in crime is the loss of belief in the judgment of God. That is the ultimate sanction. Abraham went to Gerar and said, “Surely the fear of God is not in this place” (Genesis 20:11). So he was afraid they would kill him to take his wife. If we scorn God’s power and greatness, we deprive ourselves. God has shown us what He is, not just so we will say, “Aren’t you wonderful God!” It is not to impress us but to bless us. This is what He is toward us. Unbelief cuts the power off. Paul said that he prayed constantly for the Ephesians so this would not happen. “I pray the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know…the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe” (Ephesians 1:1819). Nobody adds anything to his or her life by unbelief. It is a dead negative. Faith particularly acts against the fears that populate the future and cause a thousand other fears to haunt us. We either fear God or we fear everything else. Without faith, people turn everywhere for assurance, even in the most useless and pathetic directions. People turn even to the quiet stars, study­ing the signs of the Zodiac, looking for signs of good luck, casting around like shipwrecked mariners for a rock on which to cling. Isaiah observed all this nearly three thousand years ago and said, “And when they say to you, ‘Seek those who are mediums and wizards, who whisper and mutter,’ should not a people seek their God? Should they seek the dead on behalf of the living?” (Isaiah 8:19) The man who fears God fears nothing. This is what the Lord says, “Do not learn the way of the Gentiles; do not be dismayed at the signs of heaven, for the Gentiles are dismayed at them” (Jeremiah 10:2). We recognize God in all His awesome greatness and His power to save us, and nothing has greater power. Reinhard Bonnke

Ups and downs

Well if I had gone overseas I would be in France right now. There is a part of me that regrets not going and wonders if I should have just stepped out in faith that I could do it. I don't know though that I would have been able to have taught biology, maths, science and English to non-English speakers everyday and coped with the work load. It would have amounted to 8 hours of teaching a day with each lesson being 2 hours long. In some ways the other job I had been offered where I would have taught English only in the mornings and then gone on excursions with the students in the afternoons would have been more manageable and realistic. Taking on English for academic and specific purposes was ambitious of me when I had only just done CELTA.

I have contacted my psychologist and trying to get an appointment. Will see my therapist this week on Friday. I want to have my anti-depressants reviewed as I am getting more and more frequent big dips. My psychologist is reluctant to change my medication. I may try get permission to get a second opinion from a psychologist friends of mine go to. Changing meds will be quite a big thing as will have to be weaned off what I'm currently on. Might mean I have to go into hospital again which I don't really want but if it means my moods can stabilise and I don't have to face such desperate lows it may be worth it.

Here are a whole bunch of quotes I found that I can relate to.

Therapy

Am in a slightly better space this week. I seem to be getting bad downs as part of my PMS and they have been getting worse. My psychologist has said to try evening primrose but I would like to see if there is anything else as it means every month I seem to hit a down. Saw my therapist yesterday and we talked through Oxford, the work and stress loads and my general mental health. She said for the time being I'll just have to plan for the downs and identify them for what they are, not try fight them and try to just get through them. I wish I could get something to help with them before I leave for overseas but there isn't really time now to play around with my meds. The next down could be the week before I am supposed to start teaching which is not great.

This is the horrible thing about being bipolar, it never completely goes away and when you slip into depression you fear the worst and it holds you captive once again and you just feel rotten and worthless. I was trying to fight the last down but it got to the point where it all just seemed too much and I just couldn't put on a mask any more and carry on. Meant I missed two days of teaching and languished in bed feeling useless. I can't really afford to have that when overseas.

A friend is worried as if I went the NHS route in the UK if I needed help I could have to wait and at worst might have to go into a mental hospital again. This is of course worse case scenario. Spoke to another friend though and she suggested that I bite the bullet if I hit a big low and just go see a private doctor. My medical aid should help cover it. This really is the worst case but do have to consider it. Another thing I have to think about is whether I keep my entire 3 months medication with me or give some of it to the friend I'm staying with so that the temptation to just take it all is not there.

Overall my therapist has said this should be good for me though and I have wanted to get out of Zim for a bit. Trouble is with the pressure of the work that is ahead my rut here starts to feel very comfortable and safe. The work load is going to be quite heavy, especially initially with lesson planning. I am supposed to be teaching English and then maths and biology for students that don't speak much English. The maths and bio are going to be tricky as I am used to using the teaching method here in Zim whereby you just give notes and explain. For TOEFL you can't do that and you're supposed to come up with lots of creative ways to convey vocabulary and its use. I have to prepare two hour lessons which is also a little challenging and they'll be everyday.

Might see my therapist again next week before I leave, especially if I'm still in a last minute panic mode. Going to miss my other furry therapists i.e. my dogs.

Bit anxious

Two weeks today I leave to go overseas. Have been feeling anxious about putting my lessons for the summer teaching together. Also have had quite a down again after my friend's wedding and have been struggling to just get out of bed each day. Although I've done the CELTA course, applying it to teaching biology and maths is proving a bigger challenge than I thought. A friend who trains teachers in TEFL here in Zim helped me and I was really grateful to sit with her and see how I can apply CELTA to biology. Still a little daunted and it doesn't help not having the text book I will be using. Finding some stuff on Pinterest though to make lessons fun.

Think I'm a little anxious about leaving home for so long and being on my own a bit. The returning bout of depression has not helped and has been quite crippling. I think I fear failing again and in a way am wanting the perfect lesson plan and to arrive in Oxford all ready to teach. Finding it hard to cope here has made me worry about how I'll manage overseas.

HIFA came and went whilst I was having my down and I didn't enjoy it as much as in previous years. Missed three performances whilst having my big dip. There isn't time now to review my anti depression meds but when I get back will need to see if there is something to stop such big downs maybe.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.