Depression support group, therapy & morning market

Continuing on the high from yesterday. Didn't sleep that well last night but otherwise all really good. Saw my therapist this morning and we are seriously going to try and make a local support group for people with bipolar and other forms of depression. If you are interested get in touch and we will relay details of the first meeting. Have a friend who can offer input from a medical point of view and my therapist is willing to give input and we will seek out other speakers.

Went from therapy to the Amanzi morning food market. It is dangerous to walk around there with cash as there is so much on offer and lots of yummy delicacies. Got mushrooms, raspberries, baobab health bars, herbal teas and then some succulents and an azalea from the Amanzi nursery. Met up there with my friends Lucy and John and we had a cappuccino.

So altogether a good morning indeed. Have my final lesson with my student before her entrance exam for Arundel just now. Praying she gets in as they haven't applied for anywhere else - eeek. Then going to a trashion show tonight of recycled arty fashion at the German Society. Tomorrow there is another fair and then having a board games and soup evening.

Good morning

Have been more social this week and had coffee with lots of friends. Some of you may have noticed I've been on Facebook more - it is an indicator of my mental health as you don't hear from me when I'm down but when I get more upbeat or verging on manic you get bombarded.

This morning I saw my therapist Rona and it was a good session. Focused on what my plans are now and what I can do to be proactive and try get more work. Also about the possibility of changing my meds and getting a second psychological assessment. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

I went from therapy on to the Amanzi Food Market and wandered around and chatted to people. All sorts of interesting things from baobab jam to nuts and raspberries, yum. Then went past Convent to try get an application form for high school for my remedial student. She has left it too late though as the entrance exam is tomorrow. I did tell her parents to get a move on. I chatted to Mrs Glover the headmistress and put my name in for any subbing that might come up.

Then headed back into Mount Pleasant and splurged on some winter plants for the garden. Went for pretty pinks, with daisies, petunias, hypoestes and a cyclamen for my Mum. Chatted to my friend Adriana's Mum who works in a pottery shop in Arundel.

All in all am doing better and in a better space. Just need to keep myself busy and maybe find a bit more work. Tuesday will determine the way forward with my meds so I await that. Had conversations with two different people who don't really see that I need to be on medication and that my depression is an illness. Wish more people could understand that it is not just moods and over thinking but a condition of lack of chemicals going to areas of your brain. If you were a diabetic you wouldn't not take insulin. It is the same with being bipolar - you need serotonin. Philosophy and praying may help but you still need to take steps to be treated medically and change the way your brain thinks at times. I do overthink at times I know - in Shona the word for depression means thinking too much - it is an illness.

A friend shared a blog on Facebook called Becoming Minimalist. Have found some great reading in there.

Ups and downs

Well if I had gone overseas I would be in France right now. There is a part of me that regrets not going and wonders if I should have just stepped out in faith that I could do it. I don't know though that I would have been able to have taught biology, maths, science and English to non-English speakers everyday and coped with the work load. It would have amounted to 8 hours of teaching a day with each lesson being 2 hours long. In some ways the other job I had been offered where I would have taught English only in the mornings and then gone on excursions with the students in the afternoons would have been more manageable and realistic. Taking on English for academic and specific purposes was ambitious of me when I had only just done CELTA.

I have contacted my psychologist and trying to get an appointment. Will see my therapist this week on Friday. I want to have my anti-depressants reviewed as I am getting more and more frequent big dips. My psychologist is reluctant to change my medication. I may try get permission to get a second opinion from a psychologist friends of mine go to. Changing meds will be quite a big thing as will have to be weaned off what I'm currently on. Might mean I have to go into hospital again which I don't really want but if it means my moods can stabilise and I don't have to face such desperate lows it may be worth it.

Here are a whole bunch of quotes I found that I can relate to.

Therapy

Am in a slightly better space this week. I seem to be getting bad downs as part of my PMS and they have been getting worse. My psychologist has said to try evening primrose but I would like to see if there is anything else as it means every month I seem to hit a down. Saw my therapist yesterday and we talked through Oxford, the work and stress loads and my general mental health. She said for the time being I'll just have to plan for the downs and identify them for what they are, not try fight them and try to just get through them. I wish I could get something to help with them before I leave for overseas but there isn't really time now to play around with my meds. The next down could be the week before I am supposed to start teaching which is not great.

This is the horrible thing about being bipolar, it never completely goes away and when you slip into depression you fear the worst and it holds you captive once again and you just feel rotten and worthless. I was trying to fight the last down but it got to the point where it all just seemed too much and I just couldn't put on a mask any more and carry on. Meant I missed two days of teaching and languished in bed feeling useless. I can't really afford to have that when overseas.

A friend is worried as if I went the NHS route in the UK if I needed help I could have to wait and at worst might have to go into a mental hospital again. This is of course worse case scenario. Spoke to another friend though and she suggested that I bite the bullet if I hit a big low and just go see a private doctor. My medical aid should help cover it. This really is the worst case but do have to consider it. Another thing I have to think about is whether I keep my entire 3 months medication with me or give some of it to the friend I'm staying with so that the temptation to just take it all is not there.

Overall my therapist has said this should be good for me though and I have wanted to get out of Zim for a bit. Trouble is with the pressure of the work that is ahead my rut here starts to feel very comfortable and safe. The work load is going to be quite heavy, especially initially with lesson planning. I am supposed to be teaching English and then maths and biology for students that don't speak much English. The maths and bio are going to be tricky as I am used to using the teaching method here in Zim whereby you just give notes and explain. For TOEFL you can't do that and you're supposed to come up with lots of creative ways to convey vocabulary and its use. I have to prepare two hour lessons which is also a little challenging and they'll be everyday.

Might see my therapist again next week before I leave, especially if I'm still in a last minute panic mode. Going to miss my other furry therapists i.e. my dogs.