Being pro-active

Had a check up with my psychologist today and she challenged me to be more pro-active in changing my circumstances and to be more of a go-getter in life. I know I am not always as assertive as I could be. My challenge lies in that I am still not sure what I really want out of life and that makes it hard to chase after things. My doctor said I should always send a follow up letter after an interview and should pound the pavement and go in to meet people not just send an email. This is not my style but she may have a point.

This week I'm not so stressed and taking a breather. Starting to think of next year and different possibilities. It is suicide month or at least the month that we refer to as that as it gets really hot. It is the anniversary of when my classmate committed suicide in Form 1 and I always do think back on it. I found the quote below a good one.

A friend shared an article titled Ten things you should never say to someone with bipolar. It was an interesting read. Personally I don't take offence to banter on being bipolar. The only occasion I've been upset was when a friend lashed out at being grouped in my Facebook support group and said some hurtful things about how she perceived bipolar as a stigma. I guess I don't like being thought of as different just because I have it. I have come to terms with having it but it does not define me. I can jest about it and often do to make light of what can be a difficult disease.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Today winter really set in here in Harare with low clouds, cold and a bit of bleakness. I get affected by the weather, something I need to think about with where I set my goals on living. The UK maybe is just not a good idea in this way. Moving there would also mean I wouldn't have as good a support network readily on hand. I have a good group of friends here and some others who like me have bipolar depression whom I am able to relate to closely and who share my trials and can empathise fully. I had created a group on Facebook for others with depression to connect on. Unfortunately adding some people to it has caused offence. I apologize, it was not intended and I had wanted it to be an outreach and way of helping. The format for AA groups sounded like a good model to follow. Some people are still keen. If you would like to be in it, it is called "Unquiet Minds". Anyone is welcome.

I saw my psychologist today and we talked about what led up to last week's incident. I had been in a dip for the week prior. Possibly I should have taken decisive preventative steps. There are some things I can do like get out and see people, not not get up at the weekend and tell someone. I also need to handle work stress better and manage the expectations of my boss better and try stand up and say when goals are unrealistic. I also have to not compare where I am now with what happened when I got depressed in Switzerland and see my current work as separate to that. Although saying that there are warning signs from then that I should heed. At the end of the day too my work is a job and if it is not for me I have got to not feel trapped, which I did last week. All too quickly everything just snowballed into a monstrous out of hand proportion that I just couldn't deal with and so tried to opt out of everything, life included.

Went to home group this evening with people from church and I shared about what had happened. I was a bit nervous to but everyone gave me support and a few people opened up about their life experiences which I would otherwise have never known. We're following the "Multiply" discipleship series and tonight's session was about your life purpose which was quite relevant and God's plan for your life. Couldn't have come at a better time. Hopefully God can use all of this for something.

For some reason the following poem has been coming to me all day. I don't know why but here it is ...

The White Birds

William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)

I WOULD that we were, my beloved, white birds on the foam of the sea: We tire of the flame of the meteor, before it can pass by and flee; And the flame of the blue star of twilight, hung low on the rim of the sky, Has awaked in our hearts, my beloved, a sadness that never may die. A weariness comes from those dreamers, dew-dabbled, the lily and rose,         5 Ah, dream not of them, my beloved, the flame of the meteor that goes, Or the flame of the blue star that lingers hung low in the fall of the dew: For I would we were changed to white birds on the wandering foam—I and you. I am haunted by numberless islands, and many a Danaan shore, Where Time would surely forget us, and Sorrow come near us no more:         10 Soon far from the rose and the lily, the fret of the flames, would we be, Were we only white birds, my beloved, buoyed out on the foam of the sea.