Raw nerves

The lithium numbness ebbs and I feel once more.
Judgement and avoidance by others for bearing my soul.
Mixed feeling about your return, things have changed, that is for sure.
Some understand and give me grace, others pass comments that grate.
Is my depression defining me? It is hard to separate it from my feelings
and I am trapped in this disease.
To seek wellness but a reliance on pills for a chemical balance,
but grateful for those who support and don't reject or scorn.

Reconnection

Last Friday I tried to take an overdose of lithium. I had stopped taking my antidepressant Venlor the previous week as it was thought to possibly be a cause of me passing blood. The colonoscopy on Wednesday showed this not to be the case but I remained off Venlor. My Mum left for England on Thursday and my mood crumbled and on Friday I felt suicidal most of the day, culminating in taking a whole lot of pills that night on my own. I came round in an emergency room to friends and have spent this week with my friend Sharon.

My mood has been mercurial and feeling cut off I made a drastic decision of contacting my Dad whom I have not heard from since I was 13. I have been in contact with him this week via Whatsapp. This has also unsettled me a bit. My Dad is still not taking medication for bipolar and he is a bit volatile. He claims his manic phases make him highly creative.

I have not seen my psych yet but friends are urging me to get a second opinion on my meds. Apparently lithium is more for treating manic episodes than depressive ones. I get more of the latter. I did meet someone who also has bipolar who sees a psychiatrist I was suggested and they are on the same combo of drugs I'm on.

Right now my lithium seems to be kicking in again and I feel emotionally numb but deep down there is still a lot of pain there.

Elsewhere

You are elsewhere when I needed you here.
My innermost demons are once again near.
Although there are others I feel alone.
And to my tumultuous mind I am prone.
Sink or swim I'm told but to what can I hold?
I feel cut off and left to the abyss that is me.

Vacuum

Piece written jointly at Writing Group today with Jackie Collins, Lucy Tingay and Thea Cutler.

Manicured lawns and burgeoning gardens,
sprinklers sparkling in wintry sun.
The green caress and gin and tonics.
Our happiness bubbling over.
We forget the police road blocks
and the queues at the bank.
Drunk again on broken dreams
and promises unfulfilled in dust.

Strawberry Winter Moon

Hiking up the giant rock
to beat the sun to get to the top.
The bush quivers, dry and tawny.
Crisp blue skies are turning golden.

The ascent is steep
and on the horizon the sun does peep.
On lichen rock mounds we take our break
and on wood fire smoke our gaze does partake.

Harare's pollution smudges the sky
and below us the whale rock does lie.
The first stars prick our view
and soon the Milky Way is due.

It is the winter solstice and a full moon
which means it will take a strawberry hue.
The night deepens as we wait
and the chilly wind we can't escape.
Then up over yonder an orange slice
and rapidly the globe does arise,
an orb of light on this wintry night.

Much Ado was Something

Had a most enjoyable evening out tonight at the residence of the British Ambassador in Greendale watching a special performance of Much Ado About Nothing to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death. The cast included members of staff from the British embassy, with Benedict Latto making a brilliant Benedict (his real name was Benedict) and the Deputy Ambassador, Simon Thomas, a good hippy Don Pedro. Yes, it was set in the 60's and the costumes and twist were exceptional. The soldiers arrived in a decked out VW kombi love bus sporting rather tight leather pants. We loved the music selected, with the choice of a Whiter Shade of Pale being hilarious for the reappearance of the supposedly dead Hero. The set, designed by Angela Charitonos was a work of art and I had trouble deciding if the geraniums and ivy were indeed real or not. It was pitched perfectly under a magnificent msasa in the Ambassador's garden. 

The set

The love bus which later appeared on stage

The local cast members were strong, with Jamie Bell, Collina Mvududu and Zane Lucas particularly standing out. One of my Mum's students from the International School was Bathasar and it was amazing to see her shine, especially as she started at HIS last year not speaking any English. The director of the production Adrian Ellis' wife taught drama at HIS.

Collina Mvududu as Hero

British Ambassador Catriona Laing

The producer Adrian Ellis announcing that Jamie Bell has been accepted at RADA

With all the terrorist and British MP attacks this week my Mum went and made a blunder by forgetting she had the Pick'N'Pay promotion's steak knives in her bag and going through security at the Ambassador's with them. She had to return to the car with them understandably. Ooops. 

Perfume

The scent of beauty,

so wildly appealing.

It is an attraction

and leads to distraction.

Spreading through the room,

diffusing, infusing.

Assailing the nose

with its aroma and fragrance.

The female allure.