Limbo and Stayaway

Harare is a bit of a political hot bed at the moment. You are not sure each day what it will bring. I've been driving my friend Xenoula out to Glen View high density area each morning and then picking her up from Epworth in the afternoon. In the mornings the police are out in full force but for a change they are not interested in spot fines on things like fire extinguishers and radio licences but are more concerned with mini bus taxis going into the city or back to the townships and all the people they are transporting. I say that, I did have to dig out my extinguisher and show my spare tyre in town on Enterprise Road later today, but they didn't press me further than those, unusual.

I saw my therapist again this morning and we talked on me being codependent on my mum, what I can do when I go to England to diffuse any possible blow ups with my sister and how to curve some of my paranoid thinking. I went on to my psychiatrist and he has upped my lithium dose which may stop some of the paranoia. I have a much longer wait with my new psychiatrist and I do miss the maximim of a ten minute wait with my other psych. She also dug deeper into things - my new doctor said I must simply refer to the prayer for serenity with my sister. A bit of a simplification.

The doctor today said I must come up with a daily time table for each hour so I have something to always do, particularly if the home school I've been working at doesn't reopen next week. He suggested I should come up with a concept paper for a research project I could do. He is an academic himself and after hearing I didn't finish my PhD he is a little obsessed that I return to academia. I am not so sure. I would rather maybe try write a book. On Monday though I did meet with someone and walk with them and my friend Xenoula along what I think is the Mukuvusi River that flows through Hillside Park. It's really polluted with plastic and other dumping and needs clearing out of invasive alien vegetation. It's a possible project - needs some funding though and some willing volunteers.

Photo courtesy of Xenoula

Photo courtesy of Xenoula

Found an article bpHope Magazine's blog had interesting. I did know what I was angry about but this bit fits pretty well - "Like it or not, anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. Just like depression and mania, anger is relatively common. In my opinion, it is one of the most destructive symptoms, as it relates to interacting with other people, especially friends and family.

Many people with bipolar disorder describe a feeling of abandonment by loved ones. This is an excellent example of how anger can be a very destructive symptom. Whether the anger pushes a person away or we are angry at someone who isn’t as prominent in our lives as we’d like, anger can rot a person from the inside out. Ignoring anger is foolish for anyone, but it is especially foolish for someone with bipolar disorder, given what is at stake. Unchecked anger can lead to self-harm, irreparable damage in close relationships, and, in rare cases, can lead to violence."

Riots and Across the Grasslands in Harare

Yesterday there were more demonstrations in Harare and for the first time when the riot police appeared people fought back. Unfortunately they proceeded to set cars alight and pillage shops and apparently the riot police retaliated by using water cannons to fire tear gas. Apparently there is a mass march tomorrow from the combined opposition political parties. I have a friend visiting from England who is doing a dance outreach project in Glen View and Epworth and today driving to Epworth we saw reserve police at every street corner on the outskirts of town and then lots of police road blocks heading out to Epworth. For a change the police were mostly interested in mini bus taxis and not other motorists and spot fines.

Since I last wrote I have seen a second psychiatrist and he has had me go get an MRI brain scan done and some blood work. He is not changing my main meds of lithium and venlorflaxen for the time being as he feels with spring my mood should lift and I may become manic if he does. He has taken me off benhexol though as he thinks it may cause memory loss and put me on something else. He is also talking about changing olazapine as it may be what makes me overweight.

I have been seeing my therapist twice a week and a couple of times with my Mum. I have to decide if I am going to my sister's wedding. I am still angry and it is a sore point. I find it difficult to say how I feel and my therapist says this is something I really need to work on.

Went to an art exhibition at The Studio in Borrowdale this evening featuring work by Vanessa Hounsell and David Chinyama. It's on till Sunday. Met some people involved in work with art galleries and there might be some work with them on running art workshops. My friend Lucy is keen to run art classes too and we have been offered space at Sorellas Pizzeria and Cafe. Contact me if you're interested. There is also some possible work being an arts and culture tour guide for in and around Harare. I need to brush up my French for it as it may be for French speakers.

If you're in Harare come to my friend Sharon Lee's short film premier next week titled "Across the Grasslands"
Harare screenings during IIFF 2016: -Sat 27 Aug, 2.30pm @ Stimulus Hub (cnr Fife Ave/7th Street) -Wed 31 Aug, 5.30pm @ Alliance Francaise -Thu 1 Sep, 3pm @ Rutendo Hall, Mufakose #SpreadTheWord

The threat of Parirenyatwa

My mum got back on Monday and I had to deal with the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had felt. I told her a cousin had said I must not make my demons hers and I must leave her alone. She didn't respond and then said she thought I had overreacted to everything and was just like my father. This caused me to get very angry and feel deeply hurt and I took a whole lot of paracetomol in my room. Hours later my Mum decided that I had better go to AMI as she read paracetomol could harm my liver. I was forced to keep drinking water and vomit up what I had swallowed but since it had been 6 hours I then had to go on a drip. The doctor in charge decided to give me a lecture on being irresponsible and hammered home that I was the same age as him. My mum in her turn told him it was all down to a skiing accident in Switzerland which is what she often reverts back to when she doesn't want to face my depression.

I had to stay overnight but was discharged to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday morning. She didn't buy that my two suicide attempts are due to not taking venlor for a week. Rather it is down to deep rooted issues with my mother and sister, linked to what my dad said and did as an untreated bipolar depressive. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and am seeing her again on Monday. It is more a question of dealing with my past than medication as there are deep seated things that when triggered cause me to react the way I do and medication won't fix that.

My psychiatrist has said that the only psychiatric facility available now that St Anne's Hospital has closed is Parirenyatwa's Annex for mental illness. If I do any other form of self harm I will have to be admitted there. It is a sobering thought and could be more hell. I have to keep structure to my day and keep busy.

Inner Pain

Applying a bandage to a still festering wound,
the pain is still there and is not gone so soon.
Words that cut deeply, feelings of reject,
past comments I now dissect.
Medication can't treat this, it goes way back,
how I was moulded and how I now react.
Raw and hurting, no easy cure.