My mum got back on Monday and I had to deal with the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had felt. I told her a cousin had said I must not make my demons hers and I must leave her alone. She didn't respond and then said she thought I had overreacted to everything and was just like my father. This caused me to get very angry and feel deeply hurt and I took a whole lot of paracetomol in my room. Hours later my Mum decided that I had better go to AMI as she read paracetomol could harm my liver. I was forced to keep drinking water and vomit up what I had swallowed but since it had been 6 hours I then had to go on a drip. The doctor in charge decided to give me a lecture on being irresponsible and hammered home that I was the same age as him. My mum in her turn told him it was all down to a skiing accident in Switzerland which is what she often reverts back to when she doesn't want to face my depression.
I had to stay overnight but was discharged to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday morning. She didn't buy that my two suicide attempts are due to not taking venlor for a week. Rather it is down to deep rooted issues with my mother and sister, linked to what my dad said and did as an untreated bipolar depressive. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and am seeing her again on Monday. It is more a question of dealing with my past than medication as there are deep seated things that when triggered cause me to react the way I do and medication won't fix that.
My psychiatrist has said that the only psychiatric facility available now that St Anne's Hospital has closed is Parirenyatwa's Annex for mental illness. If I do any other form of self harm I will have to be admitted there. It is a sobering thought and could be more hell. I have to keep structure to my day and keep busy.
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