Almost spring and msasa time

Saw my therapist Rona yesterday again. Since Saturday I have been doing better than I was previously. Saturday morning I opted out of a social engagement as I wasn't feeling sociable. I was tempted to just languish in bed but as the sun was shining I forced myself up and ended up getting my paintbrushes out and doing some water colour painting. This really lifted my spirits. I went to Chinese and Shona in the afternoon which I am enjoying.

Sharing my depression I have received a range of advice from starting yoga to eating better. My therapist yesterday said the four rules she would recommend are:
- Making time to see some people
- Making time to be alone
- Making time to exercise
- Getting enough sleep

She also told me about Hyperboleandahalf - a blog on depression that is in the form of cartoons. Have a look here. Rona did warn me that spring time can some times make you feel down as with new growth it gives the feeling of new beginnings and makes you reflect a bit on where you are in life. I don't usually get depressed in spring. Rona likened it though to new year, which is when I often do hit a down.

Better Day

Today has been a better day and had a sense of purpose. Started off with teaching in children's church which was fun. We had a visitor with us from England who was with us for the day whilst she waited between connecting flights from Bulawayo to London. After church we took her to the annual Verandah Gallery Art Exhibition held in Emerald Hill. As always there was a great selection of works by all sorts of local artists. Does inspire me to get on and paint as there are also always a few pieces where you think, I could do better perhaps. Must maybe try for the one next year.

A collection of birds I rather liked at Verandah Gallery.

We drove out to the airport to say goodbye to Ash and it was nice in the space of a day to have made a new friend. We then went via home to see my dogs. I'm house sitting again currently for Polish friends and looking after their mini Staffordshire terrier Misia. We got back home to see the end of Le Tour de France. Made me remember my visit to Paris almost 5 years ago. Some happy memories. I would love to go back.

Blue

How to respond to the simple question
"How are you doing?" It should be simple,
yet is so hard and is not how I feel inside.
Inside there is a cavernous hole,
it threatens to take complete control.
But instead I smile and say "Fine!"
What a lie!

This inner sadness it lingers and binds,
and all I really want to do is hide.
Away from people, away from life,
away from all that is causing me strife.
It is an effort but I carry on,
but how much longer I wonder,
can I stay strong?


To some it may seem weak to call it depression.
People don't know what that means.
They have never felt this crippling pain
that all too quickly brings you to the brink.
That aching emptiness that leaves you in despair,
where nothing helps, nothing matters,
you can't just snap to and move on.
No, you crumble into a ball and cannot move.
It's not a choice, you wouldn't wish it,
all you want is to escape it.
But it holds you captive, incapacitated, alone.

Lingering Monday Blues

These last two weeks I have been struggling again with depression and feeling a deep sadness that just won't go away. Just getting up and going to work each day is a big challenge and takes a lot of will power to make it through the day. I have been worrying a bit too about one day having to cope on my own. My Mum at the moment offers me support and it will be hard to no longer have her to help me.

Today is a little more positive, have to just take each day at a time I guess and just keep trying. Each morning I wake up and just ask God to help me make it through.

Better Day

Yesterday I headed back out to Imire for fieldwork with the local university. I found it stimulating to be with other academics and we had a successful day of fieldwork remote sensing the extent of lantana invasion in the bush. On the drive out we had interesting conversations about everything from the stranded Zimbabwean MPs who went shopping in China to who is the real Baba Jukwa and the water crisis in Harare. I thrive on that and it was good to get the support of other intellectual institutes for my work.

The countryside was looking lovely, on the road out there were lots of erythrina or lucky bean trees in scarlet bloom against the deep ochre of the winter dry grasses. The bauhinia orchid like trees were also in full bloom. The vistas out at Imire were also stunning with the blue Wedza Mountains in the backdrop. I enjoyed being outdoors and out of the office.

When I got back into town I visited a friend with two small children who is a writer in her own right. We chatted about writing and the new fad of dystopia in fiction. I miss the creative arts group she runs that meets in the week but looking forward to a photography weekend coming up soon. As you may have seen I've got back into writing again and enjoying poetry at the moment.

After watching the Germany/France World Cup game I went out with friends to a rather Rhodie establishment, 167 where they were celebrating the American 4th of July. The live band playing was really good and enjoyed watching others play pool and the Columbia/Brazil match. From there we went on to Tristan's which is a bit more cosmopolitan and saw some other friends.

Slept in late this morning and am now enjoying sitting in my pajamas watching the BBC series Miranda on tv. Although I enjoy busy weekends it is nice to chill at times. This evening supposed to be watching Franco Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet with friends but forgot there is also football. Will see which wins. There is a house party after, will see what time the other ends. As an aside on the topic of football, I've been pondering why in life there have to be winners and losers and why we promote this. Just a thought from my musings.

There is a ladies' retreat at the end of July out at Tree of Life that I would like to go to and I might take up an art class on Tuesday evenings with a friend.

 

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Today winter really set in here in Harare with low clouds, cold and a bit of bleakness. I get affected by the weather, something I need to think about with where I set my goals on living. The UK maybe is just not a good idea in this way. Moving there would also mean I wouldn't have as good a support network readily on hand. I have a good group of friends here and some others who like me have bipolar depression whom I am able to relate to closely and who share my trials and can empathise fully. I had created a group on Facebook for others with depression to connect on. Unfortunately adding some people to it has caused offence. I apologize, it was not intended and I had wanted it to be an outreach and way of helping. The format for AA groups sounded like a good model to follow. Some people are still keen. If you would like to be in it, it is called "Unquiet Minds". Anyone is welcome.

I saw my psychologist today and we talked about what led up to last week's incident. I had been in a dip for the week prior. Possibly I should have taken decisive preventative steps. There are some things I can do like get out and see people, not not get up at the weekend and tell someone. I also need to handle work stress better and manage the expectations of my boss better and try stand up and say when goals are unrealistic. I also have to not compare where I am now with what happened when I got depressed in Switzerland and see my current work as separate to that. Although saying that there are warning signs from then that I should heed. At the end of the day too my work is a job and if it is not for me I have got to not feel trapped, which I did last week. All too quickly everything just snowballed into a monstrous out of hand proportion that I just couldn't deal with and so tried to opt out of everything, life included.

Went to home group this evening with people from church and I shared about what had happened. I was a bit nervous to but everyone gave me support and a few people opened up about their life experiences which I would otherwise have never known. We're following the "Multiply" discipleship series and tonight's session was about your life purpose which was quite relevant and God's plan for your life. Couldn't have come at a better time. Hopefully God can use all of this for something.

For some reason the following poem has been coming to me all day. I don't know why but here it is ...

The White Birds

William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)

I WOULD that we were, my beloved, white birds on the foam of the sea: We tire of the flame of the meteor, before it can pass by and flee; And the flame of the blue star of twilight, hung low on the rim of the sky, Has awaked in our hearts, my beloved, a sadness that never may die. A weariness comes from those dreamers, dew-dabbled, the lily and rose,         5 Ah, dream not of them, my beloved, the flame of the meteor that goes, Or the flame of the blue star that lingers hung low in the fall of the dew: For I would we were changed to white birds on the wandering foam—I and you. I am haunted by numberless islands, and many a Danaan shore, Where Time would surely forget us, and Sorrow come near us no more:         10 Soon far from the rose and the lily, the fret of the flames, would we be, Were we only white birds, my beloved, buoyed out on the foam of the sea.

Depths of Winter

Cold morn with low lying clouds
I do find my heart enshrouds
Filigree of tree branches are stark
Whilst inside my heart is very dark
But beauty is there although deep within
and there is hope despite the sin
Oh winter you will not defeat me I know
and from this gloom I will but grow
Although grey, the light is loud
although alone I stand among the crowd.