Doubt

Today is Easter Sunday but I am finding it hard to keep believing in God and have faith. Ironically the sermon when I went to church with my Mum today was focused on stop doubting and believing - with reference to the story on Thomas. Since going on lithium I have stopped having such drastic lows but on the other hand have started to just not care about things I once did deeply. In praise and worship this morning I could hardly sing the words as I felt I don't really believe it and I just don't feel a conviction in my faith. This does upset me as I still do feel God's judgement and a fear of him but I struggle to see his love and feel any relationship or truly know him. I start to wonder if I ever really did.

I guess this is something I have to work through and I need a new revelation. My lithium hardened heart needs to be softened and made alive again.

Melted Easter eggs and my sister engaged

It's Easter weekend and on Maundy Thursday the shops were chaotic with people hoarding food for the weekend or for going away. I had been invited to go to Nyanga but I had already committed to house sitting and looking after Charlie the foxy cross jack russell. I am allowed to use the car whilst house sitting but got all the way across to Mount Pleasant before noticing I had virtually no fuel left - panic. The people I'm house sitting for weren't responding to a frantic message and then phone call to ask if it was diesel or petrol. Eventually went to Brusters' Garage as reckoned they would know and they did. Unfortunately this and a forgotten appointment with my psych meant the Veldemeer's Easter eggs and bunnies I had bought had melted. I had to go back again and they had significantly less stock. I gave one of the melted bunnies to a street kid - reckoned they wouldn't mind melted Belgian chocolate - well I hope they didn't.

On Thursday evening I went and did some art with my friend Lucy. She is wanting to hold it every week and we both need to get cracking to produce stuff for the Wild Gees Art Festival in May. I am going to also print some photos to try sell, just bigger than post cards. Last night I went to a friend's birthday at Tin Roof (yes it is similar to the one in Cape Town :P) Was a nice evening though and she had friends out from Newcastle.

Today my sister and her fiancé finally made their engagement public. They actually got engaged in early January but Beth has been trying to email people individually to tell them before broadcasting it on Facebook. My other half-sister Mandee got married two weeks ago in the UK. So it's just me, the eldest, who is still single. Both my therapist and psych have said if I want to have children I'm running out of time - no pressure!

Starting a depression support group and we have our first meeting at my therapist's on Wednesday. Am researching on different ideas on how to run it but guess we will also go with the flow and with what everyone else wants. Have seen some posts on what to watch out for like one person dominating the whole time. My therapist has offered to be there with us but my psych says to decide what we want as either it's a support group or a group therapy session. Will see. I'm not feeling depressed at the moment since I've been on lithium but my friend who is a psychologist said it's important to have some in the group who are in a good space and I guess it is a way of giving back and I can empathise fully. There isn't an existing group for this. My therapist is going to put word out about it within the Harare therapist group.

Tomorrow for Easter Sunday will go to church at The Base and then have a friend joining us for lunch. I then may work on finishing my painting from Thursday and completing my friend's baby quilt. Apparently the batting adding stage is tricky - may go to a friend for help on that.

Super Runbo

Had an English lesson with my Chinese family this morning and I played and talked with my former 3 year old pupil Runbo. We coloured and built things and then at the end of the lesson he pointed to his costume from a school play yesterday that was hanging on the washing line drying. It was a superman suit complete with cape and insignia. Runbo begged his Mum to take it down so that he could put it on to show me. He emerged from his room as superman and proceeded to jump off a bucket to fly. He did look cute. His family is heading home to China for the Easter school holidays.

I will continue teaching my grade 7 and grade 3 from Bishopslea over the holidays and may have some Israeli businessmen to use my CELTA with. I possibly may have tutoring with the home school as well. I need to get going with doing art to exhibit at The Wild Geese Art Festival in May.

I am currently putting together a quilt made from squares friends drew on with fabric pastels at my friend Lucy's baby shower. Been using the video below to help me. Going to do a simple cross over border as mitring looks a little trickier.

Went to the food and craft fair at Queen of Hearts two Sundays ago. There was a lot on display and it was a fun outing. My mother however stopped to talk to almost every stall owner so it took a while to get around.

Been to two documentaries since last I wrote. One on the transgender community in Los Angeles (well actually a film shot entirely on iPhones) and then another called Unearthed on fracking. Have also joined a book club and am making my way through the book "All the light we cannot see" by Anthony Doerr. The next book will be "The book of memory" by Petina Gappah. Supposed to start an art group next Thursday and the following week I will be organising the first support group for people with depression at my therapist's. So all go I guess.

Growth

Growth

Like a cancer infiltrating the system,
slowly taking over its life blood and operation.
Using up resources closely guarded,
straining the existence of all.
They say it's development,
what is required, push on.
But what of nature, the earth?
Will its soul be sapped.

Chilling

Elsie

Had a good past weekend relaxing at home and doing bits and bobs around the garden in the company of my dogs Jasper and Elsie. Jasper loves his quality time in the garden and Elsie likes getting her back scratches. If I'm in the garden with him Jasper will go and have a mud bath in the corner where there's a water leak.

Jasper

My garden.

Went and had lunch with my Mum on Sunday at Veldemeer's Cafe in Arundel and we met up with a school contemporary of mine. She's back after working with Syrian refugees in Syria and then when the situation worsened, Jordan and Lebanon. She's currently working with refugees here in Zimbabwe at Tongogara and then regionally too. Such an important issue.

Unfortunately at the home school one of the original two students has been pulled out because her parents can't afford the school fees. We're hoping some sort of agreement can be made. We have a new boy now so if the other comes back we'll have 3. Is a bit more to juggle teaching everyone at once. I do have an interview for a librarian position next week Monday. Will see. I've also still got to decide on teaching in Oxford over the summer. Been in touch with the person who taught maths there last year. Need to find out who took the biology.

Had a good morning today. As it was my half day at the home school, I went for coffee with a friend at Classic Desserts on Churchill. We chatted about a potential business plan and I will help write funding proposals. Sounds quite exciting and is in the education field. This afternoon I've got my grade 7 from Bishopslea and after I drop her back at school for her synchronised swimming I've been asked to go and photograph a friend. This evening I'm going to watch Cartel Land at the documentary film club at Tristan's.

Documentary Club: Cartel Land @ Tristan's (23 February)Oscar Contender! (up against 'Amy') 90% Rating on Rotten Tomatoes!
"Supremely well-constructed, we'd be stunned if this isn't the doc to beat on Oscar night." - Time Out
In a society where institutions have failed, normal citizens vie to bring their own brand of justice against murderous Mexican drug cartels. With unprecedented, gun-blazing access, Cartel Land follows two modern-day vigilante groups on opposite ends of the Mexico-US border. From executive producer Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker), this is a chilling, visceral meditation on the breakdown of order and the blurry line between good and evil.
WARNING: THIS IS R RATED!
Tuesday, 23 February, 7:00 pm, Tristan's bar (14 Aintree Rd), $5 (goes to charity)
Come and decide who you think should win this year's Doc Oscar!
Trailer: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xC5bpPfltOI>
Facebook: <https://www.facebook.com/Documentary-club-320560678037991>

The Sound of Rain

And suddenly the heavens open.
There is a gentle sigh,
then raindrops pummel the grateful ground.
Faster they beat down,
you hear the splash of drops
coming quick in succession.
It becomes deafening and the beat on the ground
drums to the waterfall of cascading rain.
Rivulets flow and the red earth gives thanks.
Tiny flotillas of leaves dock along the pavement shores.
The rains are here at last.