Asylum

Arriving at midnight to cold linoleum floors.

Long corridors of bolted doors

holding people, prisoners of their own minds

numb to everything or else incredibly raw inside.

Medication doled out to soothe internal pain

but the scars that are there will always remain.

Desperate cases with one last resort.

Can they be fixed or left to fall apart?

Dinosaurus Rex and Tea with the Nuns

This morning some of us on the Convent Old Girls committee took Christmas tea to the nuns at the House of Adoration in Emerald Hill. We arrived and set out tea but were waiting for the seniour school madrigals choir to arrive. When 10 o'clock came and went I phoned the school secretary Mrs Gatsi and she said no bus had been booked for the choir. She said she would follow up for me. In the meantime we went ahead and had tea and we sat at different tables with the sisters. There were some from my time at the convent who have now retired. One nun, Sr Loyola taught piano at Convent and she is now 103!

Tea over, the nuns started to disperse but suddenly a Convent bus came roaring into the car park and the madrigals came and sang four pieces. We were just thanking and saying goodbye to them when another Convent bus came into the grounds. Turns out the juniour school choir were coming too. One after another they came in and then got everyone into the festive spirit with Christmas carols. The nuns loved all of it and we got two choirs worth of entertainment for one morning when we had pretty much given up on having any.

Taught my four year old Runbo again this afternoon and we looked at a book on dinosaurs. He then proceeded to announce he was a dinosaurus rex and was going to eat me up. He is a bit torn though as to whether he would rather be a dinosaurus rex or a pterodactyl. I don't know that I knew what those were when I was four!

Oh, and on a different note, finally had a paper I worked on with Rosemary Groom and Craig Jackson on wild dogs and lions accepted for publication in Animal Conservation.

The 10 Commitments and Bond Notes

We have entered into an uncertain period in Zimbabwe (well I guess life is always uncertain here, but now a little bit more so) with the introduction of bond notes on Monday. Already there is a disparity in price for fuel, with the supposed 1:1 exchange with the US dollar not valid. Some people are saying one should stock up on essentials as the shops may not be able to continue importing things. The danger in this is if everyone does it, panic will set in and there will be shortages. The queues at the bank are horrific today as people try to get some cash out. It feels like one is living in a bubble that is about to burst any moment.

My library job came to an end last week but I have a new student, an Israeli IT specialist. He doesn't seem terribly interested in learning grammar but rather concentrating on pronunciation of English. A bit of a challenge but thank goodness for the internet and its resources. On Monday he referred to the 10 Commitments - I think he was joking. I continue with 4 year old Runbo who pretended he was going "out to the space" in a rocket made out of an upturned chair.

I was supposed to go help with painting with patients in the psychiatric unit at Parirenyatwa last week but we were told we had to get clearance from the head matron and sign forms saying we wouldn't press charges if we were attacked by the patients. I hadn't quite thought of that. We will try for the beginning of next year.

Fired by a four year old

Have now finished filling in as the librarian at Convent after 3 weeks. Went smoothly and I managed to get the hang of it alright. Will now need to fill my mornings but there is a possibility of some conservation work. Won't be paid but will be something to occupy me and will be nice to be using my educational background a bit.

Bond notes come out Monday. Been trying to suss out who will accept them. Take aways will but for my lithium and other medication which are all imports, only US dollars in cash will be taken. This is going to be a serious problem if my students' parents can't pay me in US. Not sure what we can expect with all of this but a bit apprehensive.

So about being fired by my four year old student Runbo last Friday. I went round as usual to give Runbo his English lesson. Half way through he decided he wanted to cut up one of his pictures from play school. When I said no, he looked at me and then just screamed blue murder. He went to his granny in the kitchen to tell her in Chinese what I had done and then not getting much sympathy from her picked up the phone and told me he was phoning his daddy to fire me. I tried not to laugh and was impressed he could say this in English (although I haven't taught him that). At the end of the lesson when I said would I see him on Monday, he replied, "Maybe not". I did go on Monday though and when I asked if I was still fired he just gave a wicked laugh - cheeky monkey!

I did a city tour for two visiting French travel agents on Sunday afternoon and evening. I had been looking up some vocab and trying to brush up on my French but I did slightly over esteem my level of fluency and it was a little embarrassing trying to scrounge around in my mind for words. They seemed nice people though and if I can maybe go to Alliance Franaiseçaise and practice a bit more it could be fun. We first drove through the city centre, then went up the Kopje and went to Mbare market (which incidentally doesn't really have curios as I thought, more traditional medicine). We went on to Avondale Flea Market and then as they fancied a traditional Zimbabwean meal I took them to Gava's.

We had  a trial run of having my depression support group on a Saturday morning and it got a bigger turn out. People said they preferred to keep it informal rather than having topics or speakers. I went and had tea with a teacher from my high school who had come and sat with me when I was in sick bay and listened when I first started experiencing depression in Form 3. She said she can see I've come a long way since then. Was interesting to hear that from someone who had known me back then and is only reconnecting with me now.

I went

So I did go in the end to my sister's wedding. It was not easy and the week's before I was in a lot of anguish. I did a lot of work on it with my therapist and decided not going would be worse. I had a few dips when I first got to England and felt excluded. I also had to psyche myself up to see some people. My sister then made an effort to include me and I think our relationship has improved. I can also now tell I had not previously been at all well mentally.

This week I've started working as the Convent seniour librarian for three weeks. I went in to be briefed on Monday and it seemed like a lot but thankfully today was quite quiet and I could find my way slowly. My instructions even include what to do should there be a riot or bomb scares, with the riot including to close all the windows if there's tear gas. If bond notes come out this might be something I need to know, who knows.

As a committee member of the Convent Old Girls Association I am helping with the annual old girls lunch on Saturday at Alo Alo. On Sunday another friend is getting married at Wild Geese and next month I'm organizing a friend's baby shower. There's a meeting on the water crisis in Harare and the wetlands tonight at 5.30 but unfortunately I'm teaching.

Art, Pizza and Farmers' Markets

My friend Lucy and I did our first trial run of art at the Sorella's Pizzeria and Cafe this morning. We had one other person come and join us. We will try to get the word out more this coming week. It is a nice venue to hold it and the pizza, coffee and brownies are yummy. I've just been asked if I'd be willing to go do art with the patients at The Annexe at Parirenyatwa (the mental illness ward). From my own experience when I was in hospital in Switzerland and then here in Zim, art definitely helped and gave a channel for some of my inner turmoil to be let out, even when I was at my lowest point. I therefore would be willing to.

Another project my depression support group would like to work on is trying to help people who are suicidal. This came about after a friend in Switzerland contacted me and asked if I wanted to help on his project. His was more suited to the first world and was to design bridges and buildings that would prevent suicide attempts and run models to predict suicides. This is where support and awareness groups exist. In Zim we just don't really have any support or awareness and it is still such a taboo. My group wants to see if there is still a life line you can call and if not start one again. One person also said we could try tackle making mental health care more affordable as it is ridiculously expensive and so precludes the vast majority in Zimbabwe.

Otherwise to fill my mornings when I am not teaching I have been seeing friends for coffee and going round the Farmers' Market at Jam Tree yesterday. The market had all sorts of food products from Lebanese to almond flour. I overheard people saying they may need to make their own butter to sell as there seems to be a current shortage in the shops. Had a bit of a scare with my pharmacy this week as they now won't accept payment by bank cards. They said they can't pay for the import of drugs with bank transfers any more and have to pay cash. Another pharmacy would accept a debit card but am a bit worried about how long this will last. Cash is still really hard to come by in Zim currently. On a good note though, there seems to be a new private health facility that will take mental health patients. This means you are not faced with only the option of Parirenyatwa. Although I guess if we all had to go to Parirenyatwa it might be improved more quickly.

September

Saw my therapist again today and she stressed I need to take responsibility for things. It sometimes just doesn't feel like I can and I just feel like I'm drowning with no way out. She also said I've got to make up my mind if I'm going to England in a few weeks time or not. It is weighing on me heavily and I am not happy. Although my lithium dose has gone up I keep hitting big downs. It is not helped by the pressure of deciding and family politics. Friends of my Mum's have said they don't think I should write this blog. Other friends who also have bipolar say it helps them and it is stuff I would keep bottled inside. I don't really care. No one has to read this and if you do you can have your own opinion, it doesn't really faze me.

Finally watched The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. Stephen Fry is my hero.

Otherwise am fairly busy in the afternoons with tutoring and TEFL. Also now teach on Saturdays. I will in addition be doing my first tour guiding round Harare in French job in November on a Sunday luckily as I am filling in at the Convent as the head librarian for three weeks. Hoping to get some people to come to art at Sorella's on Friday mornings too.