The things I do on a high

I have a habit of over committing myself when I am in an upbeat mood and setting myself up for failure as I set the bar too high. Often when I've been having lows when I do come out of them I'm on such a high I feel over enthusiastic about everything and come up with grand plans and schemes that are not always that easy to carry out. I contact people though and share my ideas and get them on my bandwagon which makes it ever harder to not live up to it. I know I do this and realize after what I've done but in the heat of the moment I make rash decisions and send the emails which can land me in a stew.

My latest was to reconsider a PhD again. I started contacting previous supervisors and local contacts to try do a PhD on wetlands. Having done all of this I then hit a low again and lost my motivation and drive. People still think I can do it but I start having doubts. In a way it is good when my ambition rises but then I have to question if a PhD is the mentally healthiest idea for me. We will see. It is out there and there is a need to do research on Harare's wetlands. If I'm going to do it I need to pick up the reins and ride with it.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.

Almost spring and msasa time

Saw my therapist Rona yesterday again. Since Saturday I have been doing better than I was previously. Saturday morning I opted out of a social engagement as I wasn't feeling sociable. I was tempted to just languish in bed but as the sun was shining I forced myself up and ended up getting my paintbrushes out and doing some water colour painting. This really lifted my spirits. I went to Chinese and Shona in the afternoon which I am enjoying.

Sharing my depression I have received a range of advice from starting yoga to eating better. My therapist yesterday said the four rules she would recommend are:
- Making time to see some people
- Making time to be alone
- Making time to exercise
- Getting enough sleep

She also told me about Hyperboleandahalf - a blog on depression that is in the form of cartoons. Have a look here. Rona did warn me that spring time can some times make you feel down as with new growth it gives the feeling of new beginnings and makes you reflect a bit on where you are in life. I don't usually get depressed in spring. Rona likened it though to new year, which is when I often do hit a down.

Better Day

Today has been a better day and had a sense of purpose. Started off with teaching in children's church which was fun. We had a visitor with us from England who was with us for the day whilst she waited between connecting flights from Bulawayo to London. After church we took her to the annual Verandah Gallery Art Exhibition held in Emerald Hill. As always there was a great selection of works by all sorts of local artists. Does inspire me to get on and paint as there are also always a few pieces where you think, I could do better perhaps. Must maybe try for the one next year.

A collection of birds I rather liked at Verandah Gallery.

We drove out to the airport to say goodbye to Ash and it was nice in the space of a day to have made a new friend. We then went via home to see my dogs. I'm house sitting again currently for Polish friends and looking after their mini Staffordshire terrier Misia. We got back home to see the end of Le Tour de France. Made me remember my visit to Paris almost 5 years ago. Some happy memories. I would love to go back.

Blue

How to respond to the simple question
"How are you doing?" It should be simple,
yet is so hard and is not how I feel inside.
Inside there is a cavernous hole,
it threatens to take complete control.
But instead I smile and say "Fine!"
What a lie!

This inner sadness it lingers and binds,
and all I really want to do is hide.
Away from people, away from life,
away from all that is causing me strife.
It is an effort but I carry on,
but how much longer I wonder,
can I stay strong?


To some it may seem weak to call it depression.
People don't know what that means.
They have never felt this crippling pain
that all too quickly brings you to the brink.
That aching emptiness that leaves you in despair,
where nothing helps, nothing matters,
you can't just snap to and move on.
No, you crumble into a ball and cannot move.
It's not a choice, you wouldn't wish it,
all you want is to escape it.
But it holds you captive, incapacitated, alone.

Lingering Monday Blues

These last two weeks I have been struggling again with depression and feeling a deep sadness that just won't go away. Just getting up and going to work each day is a big challenge and takes a lot of will power to make it through the day. I have been worrying a bit too about one day having to cope on my own. My Mum at the moment offers me support and it will be hard to no longer have her to help me.

Today is a little more positive, have to just take each day at a time I guess and just keep trying. Each morning I wake up and just ask God to help me make it through.

Better Day

Yesterday I headed back out to Imire for fieldwork with the local university. I found it stimulating to be with other academics and we had a successful day of fieldwork remote sensing the extent of lantana invasion in the bush. On the drive out we had interesting conversations about everything from the stranded Zimbabwean MPs who went shopping in China to who is the real Baba Jukwa and the water crisis in Harare. I thrive on that and it was good to get the support of other intellectual institutes for my work.

The countryside was looking lovely, on the road out there were lots of erythrina or lucky bean trees in scarlet bloom against the deep ochre of the winter dry grasses. The bauhinia orchid like trees were also in full bloom. The vistas out at Imire were also stunning with the blue Wedza Mountains in the backdrop. I enjoyed being outdoors and out of the office.

When I got back into town I visited a friend with two small children who is a writer in her own right. We chatted about writing and the new fad of dystopia in fiction. I miss the creative arts group she runs that meets in the week but looking forward to a photography weekend coming up soon. As you may have seen I've got back into writing again and enjoying poetry at the moment.

After watching the Germany/France World Cup game I went out with friends to a rather Rhodie establishment, 167 where they were celebrating the American 4th of July. The live band playing was really good and enjoyed watching others play pool and the Columbia/Brazil match. From there we went on to Tristan's which is a bit more cosmopolitan and saw some other friends.

Slept in late this morning and am now enjoying sitting in my pajamas watching the BBC series Miranda on tv. Although I enjoy busy weekends it is nice to chill at times. This evening supposed to be watching Franco Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet with friends but forgot there is also football. Will see which wins. There is a house party after, will see what time the other ends. As an aside on the topic of football, I've been pondering why in life there have to be winners and losers and why we promote this. Just a thought from my musings.

There is a ladies' retreat at the end of July out at Tree of Life that I would like to go to and I might take up an art class on Tuesday evenings with a friend.