Community

Since the armed robbery my Mum and I experienced at our front gate two weeks ago, we have been blown away by people's love and concern. It really is the support network of friends that makes Zim the special place it is and makes up for the craziness of everything else.

I saw my therapist and talked over the feelings the attack made me feel and how I subsequently felt and this helped a lot. I was feeling anxious but it is thankfully getting better and although I still am nervous of getting in and out of our gate I don't feel quite so panicky and having a remote alarm on me makes me feel safer some how.

A lot of people have said I should have let our dogs out at the robbers but I would rather have had our car stolen than have had my dogs shot. I really couldn't have lived with having them hurt as they are very precious to me. Keep praying they don't get poisoned as the fact that the robbers had bolt cutters with them was not good news. We are going to try get an electric gate put in as soon as we can scrape the funds together to do so. Getting out to open the gate every time is just a risk and opens us to being vulnerable and an easy target. Hoping I don't have to go out to Marondera until we've sorted this out as I can't leave my Mum on her own just yet without a better system in place yet.

On the positive side, I had an unexpected debut on stage with Les Miserables on Saturday. We went to watch the matinee and when I went backstage to see my former fellow cast members they said why didn't I join for the second half. So I did, as my costume was still up in the dressing room and it was great fun. Was the first time I've been on stage in years. I used to dance and was involved in theatre at school. Would like to do another show at some point once we've sorted our security at home. There are plans for Reps to put on Oliver next year.

Overcoming fear

Two weeks ago on returning home from a rehearsal for Les Misérables at Reps, my Mum and I were held up at gun point at our gate. For a fuller account of what happened have a look on my other blog page Homecoming.

The experience has left me feeling vulnerable and fearful and seriously hampered my freedom. I saw my therapist the week after it happened and talking to her did help. Am having to hand the whole situation over to God each day and thank him for the protection He gave to my Mum and I, as all things considered, it could have been so much worse.

It doesn't leave a good feeling though and on returning home each day, it feels like we are constantly being watched. I can't remember what our attackers looked like, but I wonder when I see men on the street if any of them are our robbers.

I am very grateful my dogs weren't hurt but I do worry about further repercussions and pray for their safety and that they will not be poisoned.

Friends have been amazingly supportive through this and in particular my friends Tammy and Ryan were absolute heroes, coming and putting up solar security lights for us in our garden as a gift. Thank you, Tammy and Ryan, it has made such a difference and we were so blown away by your kindness.

A result of this has been I had to opt out of being in Les Misérables as it was too great a security risk to come home late every night for two weeks running. My Mum and I get home before dark now and it is not an ideal situation but for the moment we are just being careful. We got home just before dusk last night and it made me a bit panicky being at the gate close to dark. We need to still put more security measures in place before I can venture out after dark and feel safe. Even then there is no guarantee.

The best medicine

One of the best things that happened since returning to Zim was getting my two dogs Jasper and Elsie. They are honestly the best medicine for me when I'm feeling down and I love them to bits. Getting home at the end of rough day they are always there delighted to see me and give me kisses. Elsie love having her back rubbed and Jasper pretend to be aloof but secretly like to have a back rub too and on occasion a tummy tickle.

What it feels like to be depressed

I recently came across an article in Huffington Post titled"What Bipolar Disorder Really Feels Like". The cartoons by Ellen Forney really capture emotions I experience with bipolar and things I find difficult to express at times. In the article the cartoon with the swimming pool and shower is truly how it can feel to come out of a low.

I can also really relate to how Ellen depicts manic phases and I have experienced similar things to what she has when sharing the fact that I am bipolar.

Not wanting to get out of bed and face reality is another all too familiar feeling and battle for me. I found cartoons on a Buzzfeed article very apt. It sounds so easy to just get out of bed and get on with the day but there are days for me where I just can't and retreat into a world under my blanket where I don't have to face the deep inner unhappiness. Luckily haven't had that for a little while but there are days when I just can't.

Reconnecting with my Dad's side

For those who don't know my Parents have been divorced since I was about 8 and after my Dad became abusive I eventually stopped seeing him when I was about 12. It was all rather a rough period of my life and I tend to bury it. My Sister has been in touch with my Dad recently but I have not. He did not make an effort to try reconnect with me and it only two years since he made contact with my Sister that he finally asked after me. In many ways I am happier to not be in contact but it did hurt that it took him this long to ask anything about me.

I have recently connected with two of my cousins who's father is my Dad's brother. Their part of the family had always remained neutral and I had heard from my Aunt in Australia. When I was down in Joburg two weeks ago I met up with my one cousin and it was good to reconnect and be with family. I heard news of my Grandmother who is my only remaining grandparent and of my Aunt and other cousins. We unfortunately ended on bitter terms after things got complicated with my Dad and I have not heard or seen them in a very long time.

On returning to Zim I found that one other cousin is actually attending the same church as me in Harare. I had never met her before and it is a long time since I have been in contact with her dad, my Uncle and his family in Bulawayo. It is quite nice to have another family member in the same city as us though.

Having a better week

I have been doing better this week. Written some articles for the Imire blog (if you want to have a look go to the Imire Volunteer Blog) and had a meeting this morning with a professor at the UZ to look at some statistical analysis. Being busy and interacting with different people helps me.

We had a celebration of World Rhino Day at Imire last week and it was a success and we had generous sponsorship. The children did some great posters and gave some lively performances of poems and drama on conservation. The elephants visited and saluted the Deputy Minister of Tourism.

We have been having issues with our domestic worker whom we had to fire and who has challenged her dismissal and involved the Ministry of Labour and now ZANU PF spouting trade unionists. Luckily a good family friend is a labour lawyer and has very kindly helped us. My Mum got attacked by our maid's brother in law while I was in Joburg and we are trying to be more security conscious. Prayed about it at home group though on Wednesday and we're at peace about it, although it is irritating.

Went to a great play last night called "The End of the World in Borrowdale Brooke" and "Sunrise" (it was a two part play based on the character of Mrs Mupasa). Thoroughly enjoyed it, with Mrs Mupasa following ZBC news on the predicted apocalypse with the Mayan Calendar ending and then trying to register to vote in Harare but accidentally going to an HIV testing station by mistake and wondering why they wanted a blood sample and to know how many sex partners she had for Zim elections. Hilarious, would thoroughly recommend for a good laugh. It is on at the Alliance Française this weekend.

Last weekend I went to watch the Parlotones and then Selim Kagee at the Borrowdale Race Course. Thoroughly enjoyed the Parlotones and was surprised that I knew quite a few of their songs. Selim Kagee was also good but sang a lot of Elvis. Tonight I am going to Starlight Dancing at National Ballet and then have rehearsals this weekend for a local adaptation of Les Misérables at Reps for a performance in two weeks time.