Watched the TED talk below and it struck a note with what my psychiatrist had said to me just after I got back from Oxford. She suggested that I hide behind being bipolar and don't go for things full out and give it my all in applying for jobs. I felt defensive and did feel I do try but I think I am still haunted by the sense of failure after having to stop my PhD in Switzerland in 2010. In this TED talk it speaks on the power of negative thinking. It is not easy to regain confidence and to not under esteem yourself after a massive blow.
Having gone through discovering I am bipolar and the major ups and downs of getting treated I am wary of going into a highly stressful work environment again. Whilst I'd like something stimulating, I would rather steer clear of high stress. I have been applying for things here and keep trying to otherwise think of things I could do self-employed. I guess I could possibly find work more easily outside of Zim but I have my support network here and don't really want to leave. I suppose it is my conundrum and something I've got to solve and make changes for. I know I'm stubborn though and don't like change.
Went out to Raintree in Umwinsidale on Tuesday for my Step-Mum's Dad, Brian Grubb's funeral. It was a celebration of his life and the setting was beautiful. It was with a touch of irony though as the last time he was out at Raintree he apparently fell in the river and was not impressed. He had been quite a leader in the business community at Independence here in Zim and had been asked if he wanted to be a minister in the new government in 1980 but declined.
Yesterday was the Christmas Fair at The Cottage in Mount Pleasant. Lots of lovely crafts and gifts on sale. I found some super mobiles and a wrought iron chicken. A friend has just started her own businesses called Zim Babee and then Pretty Perfect Decor and Events and was exhibiting. Met up with my friend Lucy and we went and had coffee at the Coffee Garden coffee shop next to the fair.
Tomorrow I'm making babotie and malva pudding for dinner with a friend. Before that will be teaching and then going to a book launch of Petina Gappah's new book The Book of Memory at Kiki's in Umwinsidale - will drive past Raintree again.
On Sunday there is a concert by the Zimbabwean band Mann Friday's lead singer Rob Burrell and then Arno Carstens, lead vocalist for the Springbok Nude Girls at Tin Roof in Chisi. Bought tickets to go with a couple of friends. Another friend Ryan Koriya will be one of the opening acts.
Our good friend Mags Grace lands on Saturday from England. We will be spending Christmas with her. Will miss my sister Beth who won't sadly be home. On Boxing Day going to a 90th birthday party out in Marondera.
Adopted customs of far away lands,
of roasts, evergreens and thoughts of snow.
But here we have hot summer rains,
sunshine, deep verdant green.
Whilst we indulge and feast
we need to think of those in need.
At traffic lights the blind and street kids,
a reminder of the poor.
They were the ones Christ first appeared for
and it is the season of generous spirit.
I'm seriously dreaming of a wet Christmas, just like the ones I used to know ...
It is almost Christmas but still no real rains. This time last year there was flooding in parts of Zimbabwe and in the centre of Harare due to blocked storm drains. It just doesn't feel very Christmasy with the heat. There is also not much money to spend and everyone is feeling a little broke without having bought Christmas presents yet.
Did venture out last night for pizza at Queen of Hearts Cafe with friends and listened to another friend Ryan Koriya doing covers and some of his own music. It rained there and there was thunder and lightning to boot. Afraid none on our side of town when I got home and had a few drops this afternoon but it evaporated quickly.
Met up with my Stepmum Kate this morning at Antique Rose, another coffee shop. Sadly Kate came out as her dad was very ill and he died this week. I did at least get to see her this time as I didn't manage to in England. Spoke about her meeting up with my Dad. She said she thinks I should email him as he is too proud to get in touch with me. I still just don't know if I want to and if I'm strong enough. Have talked about it with my therapist. Kate did say I have nothing to lose by it. There is still a lot I have buried deep inside though.
Going to try make a gingerbread man for my Chinese student Runbow so he can pretend to be the fox in the story and eat it. He really loves that particular story and he's beginning to speak a bit more to me in English. My two art students seemed to enjoy their lesson, although the seven year old did his drawing in pencil and then announced he had had enough and when I asked if he didn't want to colour it in he replied no thank you.
Saw my therapist today and discussed with her my session with my psych where I was asked if I am hiding behind being bipolar and not going for job opportunities and feeling I can't do things when I could push myself. Again it made me squirm. I don't think I do, I am just wary of unhealthy stress levels. I don't like arguing though but it isn't healthy to just walk away feeling angry.
Also was asked to rate the year - think it has improved greatly since I switched to lithium. Although I do feel a sort of numbness on lithium where I am indifferent to things and don't seem to have strong feelings. I guess this is preferable to big mood swings but I miss feeling passionate and having stronger convictions.
It is killingly warm in the southern part of Africa at the moment. We should be in the middle of our rainy season but apart from a brief shower yesterday in only some suburbs of Harare there are no cumulonimbus clouds in sight. We have been promised some relief and possible rain at the weekend but it is dire.
I continue teaching my three year old student Runbow English. I took empty yoghurt tubs today and we pretended to have tea and make cupcakes. His favourite story is The Gingerbread Man. Tomorrow I start art with a seven and nine year old. I have been helping my students at the International School with a project on Magellan and then researching the Vietnamese War with one and the Great Atlantic Migration with the other to enable them to write a historically accurate story about refugees.
On Saturday I went with friends to Reps Theatre to watch the hilarious Impro Show. Particularly enjoyed the Zimbabwe Electricity Supply technicians doing a rain dance to appease the Nyaminyami in order to fix Kariba and provide electricity.
The baby shower on Sunday was a success. I now need to sew the squares of fabric people drew on with fabric pastels to make a quilt. Something to keep me busy. Seeing my therapist tomorrow. My psychologist was previously pressing me to have goals and a vision of what I'm doing and try get full time work.
There's another heatwave this week, with temperatures soaring above 35 degrees and no sign of rain. It is predicted that we could be facing the worst drought in 30 years in southern Africa. Yet people continue watering their verges (my pet hate), keeping their lawns green and filling their swimming pools with no thought to the dry months and the limited water supply which is left.
Harare is already an extremely water stressed city with few households receiving municipal water, many relying on boreholes and some buying tanks of expensive supplies. How will we cope with even less? What measures are being put in place now?
For subsistence rural farmers the impending drought spells crop failure and reliance on food aid. Most of urban food comes from South Africa but they face drought too.
We need to wake up from our heat induced stupor and start saving water and thinking about the months ahead.
It is the time of Christmas fairs and went to two last Friday with my Mum as she had the day off due to Thanksgiving. We first went to the Bohemian Bucket at Franjipanji and then on to the Elephant Affair which was a fundraiser for the Zimbabwe Elephant Nursery. It was a very hot day as has been most of this week.
Bohemian Bucket at Franjipanji
The Elephant Affair
Other than that I have been helping my friend Lucy prepare for her baby shower and been making bunting using the method below. It turned out OK.
On Monday the Convent Old Girls committee took Christmas tea to the nuns at the House of Adoration. The senior Convent school choir came and did a jazzy nativity performance. The nuns seemed to really enjoy it. I sat with Sr Loyola who is 101 and then another nun who taught art from 1953.
Went to watch Spectre on Tuesday. Had forgotten schools closed on Wednesday and it was rather chaotic at the cinema. Luckily my friend Sarah had the foresight to go early and we got tickets as it sold out. Finding our way in the dark to our seats though we discovered the cashier double booked our seats. Three of us went to the next row but then had to move as other people came to sit there. Luckily did find other seats but the movie had started by this point. Realized when watching the film I am not a fan of drawn out suspense. I sit with my eyes scrunched up for most of it.
Had an interview today to teach art at a Muslim juniour school. Unfortunately the salary is not really enough to live on. Would have had to think about Islamic art as I don't think I could have done Christmas decorations. In the meantime I am applying for an assistant librarian post somewhere else and I have a few students still for private lessons. I have my youngest student to date, a three year old Chinese boy Runbow. The second day of teaching him, he saw me coming in and started screaming. It has got better.
