Feeling a bit more hopeful

Finished off work this week for Imire. Leaves me unemployed but am sure I can pick up some biology, maths and English tutoring next year and doing part time work will mean I could still go to Oxford for a bit. Chatted with my psychologist on what I really want out of a job. Helps me visualise a bit more what I want and what I should avoid. Guess can't be too choosey in Zim but hopefully will get enough odd jobs to survive financially. Doing part time would mean I can pick up my writers and creative groups and do more art and photography.

We have had our electric gate put in now. Means I can think about venturing out again at night. Will need to get my courage up to do so, but is definitely an improvement in the state of things.

Looking forward to Christmas. Hopefully will remain optimistic with the new year beginning and some work will come my way with it.

Some decisions made

After much indecision and stress I made the decision not to teach at Peterhouse next year. It was a good opportunity but the time table was going to be killing and I didn't have much time to prep for it. I'm afraid I got to the point of taking all my pills again in the process. Zonked me out for the weekend but I did make a decision at the end of it.

This leaves me unemployed still for next year. I am still waiting to hear about part time lecturing at the UZ in zoology and there might be some part time work with WWF. In the meantime I will try get some tutoring work and maybe substitute at the International School. I do want to go over to Oxford and do a CELTA Teaching English as a Foreign language course. Will go after my friend Nina's wedding for which I am a bridesmaid.

My psychologist was supportive of my decision but my therapist questioned what my long term plan is. I am not too sure to be honest. My therapist did also state that I am a bit of a burden on my Mum and need to support myself. This upset me but is true to a degree. Just not sure what work in Zim would really make me self supporting and help me break free of dependence.

So that's where I am currently.

In a sea of indecision

After starting to think way ahead and almost living in the future I am now facing big decisions and am rather undecided and a little daunted by it all. Do I want to pursue teaching and seriously give it a go or do I want to do something else. Will have to decide in the coming week. Need to try look at it all objectively and with a long term plan in mind. Right now I am not sure.

Feel a bit like a tiny boat tossed on the waves of indecision and uncertainty. Need to pray for wisdom and to be placed where I'm meant to be.

Meditating on the following from the book of James and trusting for the right decision.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 

Almost Christmas Time

Christmas is almost here and the end of my current job is nigh. Initially I was apprehensive and depressed about not having a job for next year but things have taken an interesting turn and suddenly a whole load of doors have swung open simultaneously. I had an interview yesterday to possibly teach maths from form 1 to 4 at Peterhouse. It has its appeal and the school has amazing facilities such as an equestrian centre and Gosho Park right next door. The only thing is I would be in Marondera but there is a bus that goes to Harare at weekends.

My other options are possibly lecturing part time at the University of Zimbabwe in zoology, private tutoring or possibly a project with Environment Africa and USAID. I have also been offered the chance to go do a TOEFL CELTA course in Oxford and see friends and family in the UK. So lots of choices out of nowhere.

Things are a little uncertain politically in Zim at the moment, with Grace rapidly ascending to power and the possibility of a Mugabe dynasty. Some of my friends who are usually the eternal optimists are not so confident on what next year will bring. I also had a friend remind me that in terms of finding a potential spouse the pickings are not great in Zim and will be even more limited in Marondera. We will see.

I really would like to visit the UK but I am not sure that I could live there permanently. In my excitement at visiting Oxford I started looking at photos and the majority of them have grey overcast skies. I would miss the sunshine in Zimbabwe and the open spaces. Would also really miss my dogs and if things do flare up politically will worry about my Mum's safety.

Lots to think about and will see which doors stay open and which ones close.

Creative Writing Group Piece

Deep calls to deep. Bearing your soul to another. Being vulnerable and uttering truths. As the waves crash repeatedly on the shore. Looking past the immediate turbulence of foam and spray onwards and outwards to the distant islands. Cliff faces standing bare to the elements. The driftwood came to rest upon the shore, anchored in the sand amidst a sea of pebbles. Like a tree taken root but in this case a dead piece of wood offering itself as the pew on which the sharing and intimate conversations can occur.

The endless crashing of life's waves have not moved it, it is firm, solid and stable. Its massive trunk a sturdy base, a stalwart base. Waves have smoothed and honed it into what it is, moulding it into a bench. As each pebble has been smoothed and rounded, so has the ancient tree been caressed and crafted into a new creation.

God at work in nature and in the hearts of man. Moulding each heart and life into what he has planned. From the log on the beach, the future islands look far off and unattainable, blocked by the crashing waves. Sharing one's story and opening one's heart to another to be guided and encouraged. Challenged to see past the waves to the distant shore and what God has got planned. God's constant love like the ever churning waves upon the shore. Life's challenges make the way rocky, but at the same time each wave moulds us and changes us more into the unique pebbles on the shore. Each with a different story of how they've been formed, making them what they are.

Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but who holds the future

A friend shared this with me today and it was a source of comfort. Once again I'm semi-unemployed and the future is a little uncertain. I had a bit of a dip following being told that I wasn't going to be full time next year. I am doing a bit better now and trying to think of different options.

Times are tough in Zim and there aren't many jobs going. I might have to create my own work. Went to an art exhibition yesterday and it inspired me to try do my own one day. I should get my paintbrushes out again.

My therapist challenged me to tackle the different things that are currently causing me stress at the moment. Firstly my job status, then sorting out security at home and then trying to get domestic help. It is not easy. At times life has been a struggle and drudge recently. I lose hope and the future doesn't excite me but rather makes me feel daunted and overwhelmed.

When I hit lows I am really dependent on my Mum and it makes me worry how I would cope should something happen to her. I used to be independent and live on my own but at times that feels like a different version of me and another life time. I wouldn't survive financially here on what I earn and with my lows I need someone to help me carry on when it feels like I just can't.

November

November is an interesting time of year. The first rains finally come and with them one feels the sense that Christmas is around the corner. Our garden comes alive and the days are slightly longer. One also realises that the year is slipping away and starts to think about what the new year will hold. Whilst it is still a little while off I do start considering what my options are.

In the past this was a stressful time of year, with exams and frantic studying. It also is when loads of year end functions are squeezed in and there is lots on the go. I tend to get on a high with the anticipation of Christmas. It is post Christmas that the end of year really hits and I quite often am a little apprehensive and anxious about the coming year.

Some people call this time of year silly season as with the festivities and holiday time people don't really think clearly. I must admit I am starting to count down the weeks till Christmas.

The first thunderstorms tend to revive me and I enter a mood high. However when there are numerous cloudy overcast days this can have the opposite effect. I do love thunderstorms though.