I first experienced depression in high school. At the time
not many people in Zimbabwe recognised it for what it was, and my family doctor
told me to just get a grip. It was only in Switzerland that I was diagnosed,
initially with clinical depression, later back in Zimbabwe with bipolar
depression. It was hard for me to take on this new identity and I didn’t want
to be told I would have this for the rest of my life. Since then I have
discovered that many other people in Zimbabwe have some form of depression. In
the last year or so dialogue on it has really begun to open up, but there is
still such a way to go to be able to treat sufferers with dignity and give them
the help and resources they need.
When I have been suicidal I have found that many emergency health professionals
do not respond in a compassionate and understanding manner. You are often
chided for not being responsible and you get the feeling you are wasting the
doctor’s time. There is a need for health practitioners to get a better
understanding and to be trained in how to respond to suicidal patients, so that
the patient feels safe and not judged. Medication has helped me overcome the
perils of my illness, but it is difficult to obtain the drugs I have to have
daily. This is vital for me to lead as close to a normal life as I can.
The doctors I have seen in Zimbabwe have been world class,
but I am one of a privileged few, who can afford to pay to see them. There are
many other people in this country who urgently need such care, but do not have
the finances or facilities to receive it. The Friendship Bench has made a great
stride in making therapy more readily available to all. More along these lines
is needed.
I sit here trying to mark my mountain of books but my thoughts are far, far away.
Baby dedications this morning and the pull of wanting a family. Having to think about whether popcorn might choke a toddler and chatting to a parent from school who was also there.
Heat wave that makes you feel sapped of energy and staying hydrated.
Driving through Borrowdale Brook and feeling transported to a Constantia or Bishops Court. An out of Harare experience.
Seeing my best friend and realising just why she is and how much I value her. Exchanging war wounds and encouragement and saying how there should be emoticon stickers, including the poo one. But how would that go down with my current parent. At least a face palm, eye roll, scrunched up eyes and frightened one would do. Alternatively a great big rubber WTF stamp. But no, have to be cool, calm, collected and sensitive at all times.
I'm just very tired.
Hello insomnia, my old friend
You won't let me sleep again
Because of things that have been
and the world when I should be sleeping
and the words that are flitting round my brain,
still remain
Even though the world is silent.
In restless sheets, I toss and turn
whilst feeling all alone
I have to turn on the lamp
and try to cling to something
When my heart is stabbed by things unsaid
That split the night
and the sounds of silence.
I managed to sleep last night!! Thank goodness, another night of no sleep would have been a disaster. After a long session over skype with my therapist (it was so good to chat to her as she probably knows me better than anyone now, and she gave such practical ways to tackle things and try get a grip of things. So grateful to her for doing it from South Africa), I made some changes and had ways to think of things more positively and make them less of a mountain. She is on standby for me this weekend if things go belly up relationship wise.
The good news was that I was able to postpone seeing the angry parent until Tuesday and the headmistress is 100% behind me as she happened to hear the exact thing I said to the class as a whole, that the parent is trying to say I said just to her son. Phew! Such a relief to have my head's backing on this and to know this is a difficult parent and the teacher last year also had problems and it is not just me. Still am a bit nervous for Tuesday though, but hoping by then her anger might have simmered down a little.
I have my Chinese six year old just now. Haven't had him for a while and have missed him. He is my favourite student of all time and I should feel good after taking him.
Finished my exam papers but one dear parent messaged me at 8 o'clock last night wanting a break down of every topic for every subject by today. Um, I just said they would have it on Monday. I still don't really agree with having exams for these students every term. On the one hand they get used to it, but on the other it really stresses everyone out. I actually got my class to sit and do some mindfulness after break, which calmed everyone down. They seemed to enjoy it when they stopped talking and being silly about closing their eyes. Might try it again some time.
Don't know what happened this week, but lots of people have had hectic stuff. At school, a lot of the other teachers have had things and other friends of mine. Here's to a better weekend for everyone, and I really can say T.G.I.F.!!!
I am crawling to the finish line of Friday. I haven't slept properly for the last three nights running as there is just too much on my mind and it is starting to tip me towards a very dangerous edge. I snapped at my class today and now the dear mother who sent me angry texts yesterday about her son getting "unacceptable" in his book, is taking her son's word against mine, and saying I am victimising him. She is supposed to see me tomorrow but has been calling me (I haven't answered) and sending even angrier texts. I am not looking forward to tomorrow and need to try get an early night tonight so I can just cope and make it to the weekend.
After a big blow up with my mum on Tuesday she has AT LAST got a date booked to see the specialist in Cape Town - she has to be there to see him on the 11th of March - Hallelujah! This has also really been stressing me out as she just was digging her heels and not wanting to go. I told her what a cousin had said - that if she has a bleed at school she will really traumatise the students - I know - I was traumatised by the last time and I am not an eleven year old.
At midnight last night I decided I needed to contact my therapist as I am just not doing well. She is out the country but she has said she can skype me today. I am also booked to go see my psychiatrist next week and we may need to review my medication again. I can't afford to not be on top of things.
Went to personal training today and my trainer's cousin took me again. She does usually push me a lot harder but I told her I have had very little sleep. She still made me do the work out and she said it wasn't strenuous - um, not sure about that. At the end she did breathing and grounding with me and that really helped.
OK I must finish exam papers by tomorrow and then skype Rona and then try, try very hard to sleep.
... just skyped Rona and it has helped me and given me stuff to work with to try confront things.
Whilst on the house boat in Kariba, I read the book Like Sodium in Water, written by a friend of mine. The book focuses on his teenage years and when his brother committed suicide in high school. It made me think of my own past where I have wanted to commit suicide and just end what felt like a pain that just became too heavy to keep carrying. The thing that scares me is that it could come back and my mind could once again take over and I no longer see the reason to live or rationalise that something will pass. My heart breaks for the boy in the book, for whom the battle became too great and he saw no other way out. Mental illness is no joke, and to those who have never experienced it, it is so easy to say, "Oh they could just snap out of it!" No, quite frankly you can't. Your mind goes into obsessive, negative thinking that drags you down to a point that can seem beyond return.
To read of the family that was left behind's response and how they had to learn to cope with life without the boy who died did show me how it would impact those left behind and change their lives forever. Another thing that is said is that the person who commits suicide is just being incredibly selfish. Well at the point where you have summoned up the courage to do it, you have talked yourself so deep into believing that you are not worth the dust of this earth and you would do everyone a favour by ending your life, you are not, I assure you doing it out of self interests. Most of the time, for someone to reach that stage, they are most likely suffering from extreme depression or other mental illness and the chemicals in their brain have gone completely out of kilter. Your view of the world is warped and you just don't see things like a rational people would - no matter how hard someone tries to drum it into you. A person in this condition needs psychiatric help, medication and a caring environment where most importantly, they are not judged. Sadly this is not freely available to most people living in Zimbabwe and even when it is, there is huge stigma.
From my own personal experience I have popped pills in the past to end it all. Paracetomol was probably my most dangerous attempt. Once I started swallowing those pills I just didn't stop and no longer cared. I had to go to an emergency room, where I was forced to drink water. I have never felt so ill as I did after that. The doctor who saw me berated me and told me to take responsibility for my life. I was mocked that I was the same age as him and yet could do something "so childish".
I am hoping to try organise another evening to discuss depression and mental health soon. We had one in November and I think it was a huge step in tackling the stigma and start talking openly about mental illness.
Kariba was a good break. Was dropped at my mum's school on Monday afterwards to be greeted by one of the other teachers telling me my mum had had "an incident"! Well my immediate thought was she had had another bleed at school and I panicked. Am really trying to get my mum to go down to Cape Town soon but she is putting up resistance and being very stubborn about teaching. The school has already said she can go but she feels she needs to still be at school. As my sister bluntly put it, the school can easily replace my mum, but her friends and family cannot. It is hard to reason with my mum though and I have to live with her. Well it wasn't a bleed thankfully, but my next thought was either my mum got held up at gun point again or my dad, who is currently back in the country, had appeared. Eventually my mum's colleague told me that with our gate motor being on the blink the propped back gate had swung against the car and scraped off paint. Well of all the scenarios this was definitely the best, although the other teacher was semi implying that if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.
Had a bit of a relationship bump and I hardly slept a wink on Monday night. Getting back into school routine on Tuesday was good for me though and took my mind off things. Had two whatsapp calls with first a good friend in England and then just now with one in Australia which have helped and whereas in the past I might have reacted to everything with thoughts of self harm, I was able to do an intense gym session yesterday and doing ball slams really was therapeutic. Also pushed myself quite hard and surprised myself that I didn't collapse after ten T rotations. Much less destructive, thanks to Cara and Demi.
Wrote in my one student's book today that his homework was unacceptable - it was very shoddy and he had not listened to what I had asked for, even though I had said it three times and others managed to do it correctly. Well, I got a series of reprimanding messages from the mother this afternoon saying it had greatly upset him (he seemed fine when he left school). Another student yesterday hadn't again come prepared to do their talk on plastic pollution, even though I had given another day and said it had to be done. I am afraid I made him do it any way, there and then. Had him in tears after. Hopefully will get to Friday without any more upsets.
The deputy head did a lovely assembly on the story of the selfish crocodile and used plastic animals as props to tell it. I thought it was super and told her and she said she had forgotten it was her turn and only realised ten minutes before assembly and she had nearly asked me to do it instead - ahaha! I would not have been ready, eeeek. Next week we are having a book week. We will do book reviews for creative writing and then on Friday the students are to come dressed as their favourite character and bring a book to donate to a children's home. Our one little Russian boy put his hand up in assembly and said could the book be in Russian. We said yes but he has to write about it in English, to which he said, but no, in Russian? Eventually his sister leaned over and tapped him on the shoulder and muttered to him in Russian and he said, "But, but, ...", to which she gave him this stern look, and that was the end of his objections.
So in case you're still reading and wondering what "Amazoning" is ... I did climate change with my class today and I asked them what they knew about it. One boy shoots up his hand and says it is to do with the hole in the Amazon and it causes "Amazoning" - I think he meant the ozone layer and global warming. Showed them a video of Greta Thunberg speaking about climate action and told them that she is only 3 years older than some of them. I left out the bit about students in Europe doing stay aways from school in protest - not giving them too many ideas!
