Suicide

Whilst on the house boat in Kariba, I read the book Like Sodium in Water, written by a friend of mine. The book focuses on his teenage years and when his brother committed suicide in high school. It made me think of my own past where I have wanted to commit suicide and just end what felt like a pain that just became too heavy to keep carrying. The thing that scares me is that it could come back and my mind could once again take over and I no longer see the reason to live or rationalise that something will pass. My heart breaks for the boy in the book, for whom the battle became too great and he saw no other way out. Mental illness is no joke, and to those who have never experienced it, it is so easy to say, "Oh they could just snap out of it!" No, quite frankly you can't. Your mind goes into obsessive, negative thinking that drags you down to a point that can seem beyond return.

To read of the family that was left behind's response and how they had to learn to cope with life without the boy who died did show me how it would impact those left behind and change their lives forever. Another thing that is said is that the person who commits suicide is just being incredibly selfish. Well at the point where you have summoned up the courage to do it, you have talked yourself so deep into believing that you are not worth the dust of this earth and you would do everyone a favour by ending your life, you are not, I assure you doing it out of self interests. Most of the time, for someone to reach that stage, they are most likely suffering from extreme depression or other mental illness and the chemicals in their brain have gone completely out of kilter. Your view of the world is warped and you just don't see things like a rational people would - no matter how hard someone tries to drum it into you. A person in this condition needs psychiatric help, medication and a caring environment where most importantly, they are not judged. Sadly this is not freely available to most people living in Zimbabwe and even when it is, there is huge stigma.

From my own personal experience I have popped pills in the past to end it all. Paracetomol was probably my most dangerous attempt. Once I started swallowing those pills I just didn't stop and no longer cared. I had to go to an emergency room, where I was forced to drink water. I have never felt so ill as I did after that. The doctor who saw me berated me and told me to take responsibility for my life. I was mocked that I was the same age as him and yet could do something "so childish".

I am hoping to try organise another evening to discuss depression and mental health soon. We had one in November and I think it was a huge step in tackling the stigma and start talking openly about mental illness.