Struggling

My mum seems to be on the mend. I am less so. I really am struggling at the moment with life and there seems no relent. I feel a great feeling of loss and heart broken. Have seen a few friends which has been nice but my mind feels like it is not there. Having therapy with Rona just now. We will probably dig into the sore bits. I have been eying paracetamol again. Am in a very hard place.

The Sea Within

Wandering through botanical gardens,
but my heart is not here.
Seeing friends and familiar places,
but it's raw within.
Engaging in conversation,
but I'm not really here.
Reconnecting and sharing spaces,
but I'm adrift and lost at sea.
The wounds inside are bleeding
and I'm a ship tossed at sea.

The Inbetween

Good news is that my mum has got authorisation for tomorrow's operation from BUPA, so they will cover it. Today is a quiet day. I went for a walk with my uncle through the greenbelt in Constantia. Along the way a little boy came down to the fence on his plastic motorbike and introduced his dog Jasper and the maid. We also passed lots of people out with their dogs - quite a menagerie. I am wishing I had packed more short sleeved things, as it is actually quite warm.

Last night was fun at the Mother City Hop at Mustacchio's on Kloof Street. I danced a couple of times, first with someone from Turkey and then a guy from Estonia. I was twirled around quite a bit. Bumped into a friend Michael from Zim at it and my cousin said it's the second Michael from Zim she has met who knows us. She is now very wary of people called Michael and how they might know us.

Have been tasked with setting up social media platforms for people who suffer from loneliness. Depression and loneliness can semi go together. Something interesting to work on. Meeting up with a few friends later in the week after my mum's op tomorrow. We are scheduled for another power cut just now. Whilst it is well scheduled and you do know about them here, unlike Zim, they do happen very frequently and you have to do everything you need to that needs power before it goes off again. There are up to three or four cuts for a couple of hours a day at the moment. Having to plan when to Zoom my Chinese student and then fit in some skypes with my therapist.

I still get sad

I still get sad at night,
when I await morning's light.
There is a feeling of loss,
as in my mind I toss.
Wondering what I did
and I open up the lid
of feelings kept deep inside
with no place to run and hide.
It is all I can do but to abide
and wait til morning.

All set for surgery, four hours later

We had a good flight down yesterday, although on the welcome aboard talk they said we were on a Boeing 800 (possibly not a Max, but still!) It was a good thing my mum had me on arrival as Cape Town Airport has changed a lot since she was last down in 2008. Had good family time with my aunt, uncle and cousin Jaimie. Jaimie's sense of humour is a good tonic and have had some nice long chats with my aunt and was going to go out for a walk with my uncle round the Greenbelt this morning, but there wasn't time to get to the specialist on time. I will go tomorrow.

So my mum had a good meeting with the specialist and had another scan of her legs. There are two veins at the back of each leg that have faulty valves, so she will have both out with ligatures under general anaesthetic on Wednesday. It should be quite straightforward and she will then have a follow up on the 29th and if all is good we fly home on the 31st. The operation will apparently only take an hour. It is not possible to do it with laser but should be OK.

Going to a Mother City Hop dance social this evening with Jaimie. There's an international event this weekend and they are looking at Jazz from the Sophiatown era.

Will send an update again about how my mum's surgery goes. I felt the weight of responsibility when she put my name as next of kin when filling out forms today.

Braaied in spite of Idai

Had two people pop round last night, was nice to see them and catch up. This morning I packed up house sitting and we took our two dogs in separate transfers to the vet for rabies shots and thankfully Jasper doesn't have a recurrence of biliary. Stocked up on some more sedatives to be given to him in case he has to go to the vet while we're away. We got the timing right this time, and he was well and truly subdued by time he got to the surgery (3 hours later!!!)

Got back to zoom with my Chinese 6 year old and he has thrown himself whole heartedly into building a boat for me to rescue me from Cyclone Idai. We got onto how the boat would be powered and he opted for wind power but with a gigantic windmill and he decided the windmill would operate as a vacuum to clean up the ocean along the way from plastic pollution. Who knew you could get this creative from talking about a cyclone?

Was invited to a braai at my friend William's, as he and some others had opted to not to go to Nyanga this weekend because of the said cyclone. We braaied in the rain but it was a pleasant afternoon. Just got back and skyped my friend Simon in Switzerland and I've agreed to look over a project proposal on tackling loneliness in society. Something to keep me busy while I am in Cape Town.

Have nearly packed for tomorrow. Just trying to picture 14'C as a minimum. Thrown in a couple of jerseys. Hopefully will see some friends from my UCT days but not wanting to impose on my aunt to ferry me around and we will already be having to go back and forth to the hospital regularly. There is the MyCiTi Bus in Cape Town, but I guess quite rightly, or perhaps wrongly, they don't think Constantia people would use it - I would!!

When you try to tempt a hurricane, I mean cyclone ...

First you put washing on the line, second you plan a braai and third you pass a school with their sports day under way. But whether Idai is going to make an appearance remains to be seen. Semi battening down the hatches and hoping the roof of where I am house sitting is sturdy enough. Might tie myself to the supporting beam in the middle of the room if it looks like I might be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz - which incidentally apparently called it a cyclone in the original book, even though it is geographically a tornado.

Just come back from going to see my high school English teacher Mrs Sternslow at Flame Lily Lodge in Marlborough. She is sadly in a very bad way physically and mentally. Her daughter left to go back to South Africa last night and the nurse said Mrs Sternslow was very sad and not eating. I could relate to how she felt. She seemed to recognise me and I talked to her before she fell asleep. She was instrumental in making me write and love to use words to express myself. We did the poems below with her in high school and I will always remember her zany, sarcastic humour - quivering chest hairs and dream boat jokes and calling us the creme de la creme who needed to show in our writing that we were. She also challenged institutional education and brought out a rebel streak in us. Loved her for all of those things and more. Convent girls who were taught by her, please try go see her. She would love to see you and my visit seemed to help her a little I hope. I know from when I have been hospitalised, a friendly face who will just come sit with you is a gift.

Yesterday I kept busy. I went for christian counselling at the Base first. Dealt with some relationship stuff. I did back away a bit when challenged with whether depression is just chemical or if it is from the devil. I scarred my personal trainer by telling her about this - she had never heard that one, but reacted strongly. The scientist in me balks too, although I do know there is growing research into whether it is just serotonin and how much medication helps or not. I still need to take my meds though. My homework for the counselling is to think of what christian ministry I have received before and how it has changed my heart. I think I am going to have to google what that means, as I am not sure. I think people rather than pastors have ministered to me and it has been when someone has prayed for me, given me a prophetic picture or encouraged me to express my spirituality through dance, art or writing. But yes, need to think a bit more.

I then went for tea with my high school teachers and we tried out things made by two teachers who will be opening a coffee shop at Dr Omar's rooms on Enterprise. Heard a funny story from my R.E. teacher, that when she taught Bona Mugabe, Grace and Bob had to have their own parents meeting in the deputy head's office, surrounded by security. This was not what happened when Bona was in junior school and Grace lined up with everyone else to see my mum. (When Grace got to the front of the queue my mum without thinking said, "You look awfully familiar, did I teach you?") My R.E. teacher said she asked Bob if he ever missed teaching and he apparently replied that he missed the kids. Interesting.

I then had coffee with two friends at Queen of Hearts, which keeps changing. From there I went to personal training. My trainer actually gave me two 6 kg weights to take with to Cape Town. But I am thinking that is half my suitcase allowance (am allowed two 23 kg bags but the person who is taking us to the airport has a small car). I might borrow a theraband instead. My trainer is going to send me workouts to do while I am away. After Wednesday night when I started cutting myself, I really need to do weights or skip instead. My therapist will be doing sessions over skype with me while I am away.