Under predict, exceed expectations

Christmas has come and gone, and we've had a social one seeing friends from near and far. Yesterday I caught up with a school friend and her family and we talked about pacing ourselves and achieving things without killing oneself. She had a very wise mantra that she shared with me regarding one's approach to work and being careful about what one commits oneself to - "under predict, exceed expectations". I think I have a habit of over committing and raising high expectations from the start and then not being able to achieve the rather impossibly high challenge I've set for myself. I shall try to think about this with my new job and be careful to not take on way too much.

Have had all sorts of mixed emotions over Christmas. For the most part I have been on a high with all the socializing and catching up with people I haven't seen for a while. I inadvertently offended family though which put a slightly sour spin on things and I felt ultra sensitive to the rebuke. I need to try not be insensitive to things but develop a thicker skin and not sink into my habit of continuing to dwell on it and self-flagellate. I do tend to do this though and then I become sensitive to whole lot of other things in addition to the original issue and everything becomes too much.

Past Christmases come to mind at this time of year too. Both my Grandparents died around Christmas time. I also remember having to always spend Christmas with my Dad and my Mum having to drop my Sister and I off straight after church. My Mum would then spend Christmas on her own. Recent Christmases have been happier but I at times acutely feel the lack of family here, although some of our friends are now basically family.

God is Good!

If you happen to have been following my blogs recently you may have noticed they were a little down in the dumps. Part of this was due to my uncertainty jobwise for next year. Well good news, no in fact great news! It looks 98% certain that I have a job and it is possibly the best job I could have asked for. I saw a post advertised in the local Bambazonke community news email and applied to work as the Volunteers' Coordinator at a local game park. That position would have been mostly in hospitality with a little bit of outdoor work. During the interview the people questioning me were interested in my science and ecology background and it ended up turning into a discussion on what could be done to up the level of science research and monitoring. In a way I outlined what would be to me an ideal job.

After the interview I immediately got an email back from the interviewers saying they were very impressed and wanted me to go out to the game park for a couple of days to get a real feel for it. I am house sitting so couldn't go overnight so they said they'd make a plan and get back to me. The date I was supposed to go out passed and my psychologist prompted me to pursue it further so I sent a follow up email. This led to them saying that they had been thinking the whole thing through and although they wanted to rather employ a guy to be with the volunteers, they had decided to create a whole other new position of a Science Officer and would I be interested?!

I had basically created the position from the interview and it has many of the things I really want to be doing in the job description. I will go out early in January and we will sit down and discuss the final contract and conditions but it looks like I've got it and it could be great experience and they seem like great people.

So all in all, it all looks so much brighter and I can enter into 2014 with a much better idea of what I'm going to be doing. Praise God :)

Coming out of a dip

Have had a bit of a dip the last couple of weeks. I think it has been closely tied to making decisions for next year and facing job uncertainty once again. I had an interview for a job out at a local game park but as of yet I don't know if I got it or not. The interview seemed to go well and I got a follow up email immediately after asking if I would be able to go out and stay at the nature reserve for a few days so that I could get a real feel for what would be involved and the people who would employ me could see how I coped. Unfortunately as I am house sitting I couldn't go overnight and it turned out the game park was hosting a wedding and they became tied up with that and so it has been postponed till after Christmas. It would seem there is still a good chance I could get the job but it doesn't give me a definite answer yet.

I don't deal with big changes in my life easily and I spend a lot of energy weighing things up in my head. The what-ifs and the maybes all weigh heavily and I get cold feet. As an escape I often just sleep it away by not getting going in the morning.

I found these cartoons of what it is like to have depression the other day and find them rather apt.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression

In particular these two really resonated with me.

I also came across this article in The New York Times that I found rather interesting and if what it suggests is true, then the work you do does play a part in determining your happiness and keeping busy is a big contributor.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/15/opinion/sunday/a-formula-for-happiness.html?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.z_sma=OP_AFF_20131216&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1385874000000&bicmet=1388638800000&fblinkge0&_r=0

Perhaps the new job will be good for me and bring about a good change. I hope so.

Competition

I have a friend who loves to play competitive sports and games. I started going to a pub quiz held every fortnight with them and some other friends, but after a while I found that my friend's overly competitive nature took the enjoyment out of it and I was no longer so keen. For each question he took it very seriously and if we didn't know the answer we had to keep going back over and over the sticky questions. If we got the answers wrong we had to do a postmortem at the end to see where we went wrong and how far off we were. I am not as you may have gathered that fazed about winning.

The last few days I've been thinking about how to survive in life it is a competition. During school there is always the pressure to be the best and you are compared to others throughout. It doesn't get easier, at university you have to try to excel and on entering the job market only the best are sought after. On being introduced to people you are always asked what you do and it is expected that you are good at what you do.

There are very few jobs these days where you are not constantly being assessed on how you do and where your salary isn't in some way influenced by how good you are. Even if you work for an organization you are trying to compete for that organization with other people who could do the same in a different company. Charities and other organizations working for the good of others are often having to compete for funding and therefore even if they are not aiming for it, their work is performance driven.

I just wish we didn't all depend on money to lead our lives and that one could do one's work without feeling compelled to have to compare with someone else and measure where you are in relation to the world around you. Perhaps there is a way, I just have to find it.

Thanksgivukkah

As my posts have been quite negative the last couple of weeks and since today is both Thanksgiving and the start of Hanukkah I thought I would just add the things I am grateful for. I am blessed to have caring people around me and good friends, a great therapist and a concerned and caring doctor and psychologist. I am lucky to be in a position to afford to receive care and treatment for my depression and have people who would stand in the gap for me if I needed it. I have a roof over my head, dogs that love me and who I love, a brain, connections and different options.

I came across this cartoon today - see this link Here’s A Shocking Truth If You Think You’ve Wasted Your Life
I guess I have many options and need to remain open to new challenges and opportunities. That's what life is about.

To those who read this blog and who give me support, thank you :)

The Past that haunts me

In many ways mine was not the happiest of childhoods. I had the session today with my Mum at my therapist's. Although we looked at where I was currently and some of the things I need to address now, much of my hurt and inner pain goes back to when I was little and the real person who should be sitting there is my Dad who is the root of much of it. Memories of my Dad's erratic, irrational and quite often violent behavior and the rejection he projected towards me cuts deep and is something I have to work through. My Mum remembers his self-medicating with an alarmingly large and unidentified cocktail of drugs and various pills. Some my mood swings are similar to his which scares me. My Dad to date remains untreated for bipolar depression though and refused to accept help.

My Mum said I should try to look at the good qualities I inherited from my Dad. His inquiring scientific mind, his artistic temperament and his sensitivity. With that though comes the curse of my illness and he passed on his own unhappy childhood to me. Even now I think there lingers a fear of my Father and what he could possibly do next. I don't know how I would react if he suddenly walked through the door and back into my life.

The last time I saw my Father was when I was fourteen and was at the High Court where he had just been issued a restraining order which effectively blocked him out of my life. My Sister and I had had to go into the court and see the judge privately to testify against my Dad. Somehow we crossed paths with my Dad on the way out and he started shouting down the corridor he had a right to see his own children. We were quickly ushered into another room and my Dad was dragged away. He has not tried to make contact with me since that day, although he has communicated with my Sister.

In many ways this is a relief but it leaves an awful lot unsaid and unhealed. I don't know that I would get the satisfactory response I desire though were I to sit face to face with my Father and hash it all out. He was able to intimidate me when I was small and his anger terrified me. I think I would feel a great anger towards him for all he did and wasn't though should I see him and I would almost blame him for my disease and unhappiness. I guess this would not all be entirely fair and what I really need to do is somehow find it in me to forgive.

Mood Swings

Been up and down the last few days. Was doing well and then yesterday I hit a bump and it left me feeling zapped of energy and motivation. I just didn't feel up to meeting with people and retreated, backing out of a meeting I was supposed to have. Today I woke up late but in a better humour and brighter outlook. How much of this was tied up with PMT and hormones and how much was just otherwise I don't know. I can go from feeling exhilarated though to being unable to face the world and feeling inept and helpless.

I wish I could master my moods and not let them master me.