The Past that haunts me

In many ways mine was not the happiest of childhoods. I had the session today with my Mum at my therapist's. Although we looked at where I was currently and some of the things I need to address now, much of my hurt and inner pain goes back to when I was little and the real person who should be sitting there is my Dad who is the root of much of it. Memories of my Dad's erratic, irrational and quite often violent behavior and the rejection he projected towards me cuts deep and is something I have to work through. My Mum remembers his self-medicating with an alarmingly large and unidentified cocktail of drugs and various pills. Some my mood swings are similar to his which scares me. My Dad to date remains untreated for bipolar depression though and refused to accept help.

My Mum said I should try to look at the good qualities I inherited from my Dad. His inquiring scientific mind, his artistic temperament and his sensitivity. With that though comes the curse of my illness and he passed on his own unhappy childhood to me. Even now I think there lingers a fear of my Father and what he could possibly do next. I don't know how I would react if he suddenly walked through the door and back into my life.

The last time I saw my Father was when I was fourteen and was at the High Court where he had just been issued a restraining order which effectively blocked him out of my life. My Sister and I had had to go into the court and see the judge privately to testify against my Dad. Somehow we crossed paths with my Dad on the way out and he started shouting down the corridor he had a right to see his own children. We were quickly ushered into another room and my Dad was dragged away. He has not tried to make contact with me since that day, although he has communicated with my Sister.

In many ways this is a relief but it leaves an awful lot unsaid and unhealed. I don't know that I would get the satisfactory response I desire though were I to sit face to face with my Father and hash it all out. He was able to intimidate me when I was small and his anger terrified me. I think I would feel a great anger towards him for all he did and wasn't though should I see him and I would almost blame him for my disease and unhappiness. I guess this would not all be entirely fair and what I really need to do is somehow find it in me to forgive.