Striving onwards

"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me"

The last couple of weeks have been challenging ones in many different ways. I lost the job that is my main source of income and then due to a conflict of personal interests and my not being happy from a moral perspective, I gave up another job which would have given me some finances. The work I am passionate about is there, but doesn't pay and is completely voluntary. In amongst this I have still been grappling with what it is that I truly want to do. All jobs seem to require you to be really good at something and you have to throw yourself into them with loads of self-confidence. I guess I lack the confidence to market myself and I would rather just work in the background.

Photo-journalism is something that appeals but I feel like I would have to be really really good to make it and that scares me. With more scientific things I feel I am not clever enough and that someone else would do a much better job. There is also huge competition in that for funding and you are constantly having to search for this. In many ways I wish I didn't have to work full time and have to have a job working for someone else. My ideal life would be to write when I feel like it, dabble in painting for enjoyment, be outdoors and maybe fit in a spot of gardening with my dogs by my side. 

So my quest continues and I still don't know exactly what it is that I really really want to do. The quote below really challenges me. It sort of goes back to the topic from the book "The Artist's Way", about living life in abundance and having faith to go after what you really want and not see things as out of your reach and too much to ask for.