On Thursday I will be having a therapy session with both my Mum and my therapist. My therapist has been trying to get my Mum to come for quite a while as there is stuff I need to have out with and my therapist feels it's important as my Mum's my primary care giver in many ways and my support. Undoubtedly it's going to involve digging up a lot of the past though and in some ways I'm dreading it as it will stir up things that are buried at the back of my mind. A lot of it has to do with my Dad but it affects my relationship with my Mum and my Sister. I don't really ever talk about these things but they at times can eat away at me and issues I have with my Sister are often anger that is diverted from my Mum and stems way way back to my childhood.
I guess the person who I really need to have it out with is my Dad. He hurt me in many different ways and inflicted wounds that go deep into my psyche and outlook. My Dad was bipolar but never went for treatment. As a child I took his moods personally and he made me be an adult when he was not. I had to be the eldest and handle his mercurial mood changes and temper. I had to be loyal to both my warring parents and try as a five year old to make sense of the mess that made up my family and being. This forced me to grow up at an age when I was not ready to.
I don't know what will come up on Thursday or how my Mum is going to respond. She has read this blog and when she did didn't react quite as I thought she would. We don't normally talk of the past to each other and I don't voice much of what's inside. I guess it is important to get it out but it's not going to be easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment