Thinking back ...

The topic for writing group this week is memories and funnily enough I have been thinking back to what I remember of times when I was decidedly psychotic. The earliest point when I would say I was definitely a bit off the rails mentally was in Form 3. I had taken on too much at school, had a nasty episode at the dentist and my Dad had been charged for attempted murder. All of this compounded and pushed me over the edge. I became extremely paranoid, aggressive, defensive and ultra sensitive. I also had panic attacks and became an insomniac. It eventually worked itself out but I was off school for well over a month and life was hell for not only me but also my family who had to live with me.

Psychosis made another visit before I started Lower Six and after not sleeping for 3 consecutive nights I spent the day at my Godmother's. To try make me sleep I was given a sleeping tablet but instead of inducing sleep I instead experienced hallucinations and came up with a confused theory in my head involving my Godmother and ended swearing at her and saying I never wished to see her ever again. It took a long time to try repair the damage I did with my utterances.

I was fine for the next couple of years until the rocky period leading up to and during the 2008 Zim elections. Being based in Cape Town I was not home and only got the international news of home where my family still was. It ended up that I was to fly to Switzerland a few days before the election and I had gone to the doctor as I was very uptight and couldn't sleep. She said perhaps I had depression but as I was flying to Switzerland there was not much that could be done. She advised I take rescue remedy with me as she couldn't put me on medication without being able to monitor me. Therefore armed with a bottle of rescue remedy I boarded the plane and flew thousands of miles away from home. This probably was not the best idea and I'm afraid my mental state deteriorated over the following week. I became aggressively patriotic and loud with the group of international students I was with and felt everything needed to be centered on Zimbabwe, as my thoughts were. I probably was very disruptive and hard to deal with. At one point I felt persecuted and paranoid and felt the others were all against me. As usual with these episodes, my old enemy of sleepless nights visited and made it worse.

Probably one of the worst cases I've had though was on my return to Zim from Switzerland. I had a cataclysmic psychotic episode whilst doing my PhD in Lausanne which made me quit my studies and where I felt I had let everyone down and brought me close to the brink of suicide. This made me get institutionalized for around two months, with a brief discharge followed by a re-admission. Ultimately deciding to return to Zimbabwe I had a horrific flight home where my deluded mind had me believing I was wanted internationally for having wasted my university's funds by quitting and that I was going to be arrested. I was extremely agitated and the journey was hellish. Getting home did nothing to relieve this and I felt judged and condemned by everyone. We only managed to see my doctor two days after returning and again I felt she was judging me and disapproving. When I was put in hospital in Harare I thought I was being convicted for my "crime" and that I was going to be interrogated. I also thought my Mum was going to be tortured and I got greatly caught up in thinking it was all political. When my Mum had to leave me I went into a panic thinking she would never come back and I ran out the hospital room and nearly had to be sedated and tied to my bed. That night I had the worst hallucinations I've ever had and tried to jump out the second floor window. Some of this was brought on by not having had any more of the medication I had been put on in Switzerland and the chemicals in my brain went ballistic.

I am indebted to my doctor and psychologist in Zim who has helped sort out my medication to avoid any further psychotic episodes to date and who has helped me come back to "normality". It has been a long journey and at times there are still distances to go. I just pray I never go back to some of the purgatory I've experienced in the past and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy.