Being pro-active

Had a check up with my psychologist today and she challenged me to be more pro-active in changing my circumstances and to be more of a go-getter in life. I know I am not always as assertive as I could be. My challenge lies in that I am still not sure what I really want out of life and that makes it hard to chase after things. My doctor said I should always send a follow up letter after an interview and should pound the pavement and go in to meet people not just send an email. This is not my style but she may have a point.

This week I'm not so stressed and taking a breather. Starting to think of next year and different possibilities. It is suicide month or at least the month that we refer to as that as it gets really hot. It is the anniversary of when my classmate committed suicide in Form 1 and I always do think back on it. I found the quote below a good one.

A friend shared an article titled Ten things you should never say to someone with bipolar. It was an interesting read. Personally I don't take offence to banter on being bipolar. The only occasion I've been upset was when a friend lashed out at being grouped in my Facebook support group and said some hurtful things about how she perceived bipolar as a stigma. I guess I don't like being thought of as different just because I have it. I have come to terms with having it but it does not define me. I can jest about it and often do to make light of what can be a difficult disease.

Facing and appreciating the mountains

Last weekend I went down to Joburg to see a dear friend who was over in South Africa visiting her family. Whilst there I went with her family to schul or synagogue. The rabbi gave a brief talk on mountains and how it is not ideal to be at the top of the mountain as you have no further challenges to face and you are no longer stimulated. At the same time it is not a good place to be to be intimidated at the base of a mountain and be overwhelmed. Rather it is best to be at the start of the mountain path full of inspiration and motivation to overcome it. I guess this is true for life. I do struggle with my mountains which can become overbearing.

I saw my therapist on getting back to Harare and she has challenged me to take time each day to think of beautiful things and the good things that have happened. A friend lent me a book which I am taking a while to get through called "Sleeping with Bread". The title is based on the true story of children who were orphaned in the Second World War in London who were left destitute and couldn't sleep at night worried about what would become of them the next day and if they would eat. To quell this fear they were given a loaf of bread to sleep with to reassure them that they ate today and would eat again tomorrow. The book goes on to explain a mindset and prayer life where you look back at the day each night and think of one thing you are grateful for from the day and one thing you wish you could change. This helps you see what is important and appreciate what is good and challenging you in life.

So my challenge is to think more positively and develop my appreciation of the good rather than the bad. I guess the 100 days of happiness challenge on Facebook is a bit like that. I need to take stock more of what I am thankful for.

The things I do on a high

I have a habit of over committing myself when I am in an upbeat mood and setting myself up for failure as I set the bar too high. Often when I've been having lows when I do come out of them I'm on such a high I feel over enthusiastic about everything and come up with grand plans and schemes that are not always that easy to carry out. I contact people though and share my ideas and get them on my bandwagon which makes it ever harder to not live up to it. I know I do this and realize after what I've done but in the heat of the moment I make rash decisions and send the emails which can land me in a stew.

My latest was to reconsider a PhD again. I started contacting previous supervisors and local contacts to try do a PhD on wetlands. Having done all of this I then hit a low again and lost my motivation and drive. People still think I can do it but I start having doubts. In a way it is good when my ambition rises but then I have to question if a PhD is the mentally healthiest idea for me. We will see. It is out there and there is a need to do research on Harare's wetlands. If I'm going to do it I need to pick up the reins and ride with it.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.

Almost spring and msasa time

Saw my therapist Rona yesterday again. Since Saturday I have been doing better than I was previously. Saturday morning I opted out of a social engagement as I wasn't feeling sociable. I was tempted to just languish in bed but as the sun was shining I forced myself up and ended up getting my paintbrushes out and doing some water colour painting. This really lifted my spirits. I went to Chinese and Shona in the afternoon which I am enjoying.

Sharing my depression I have received a range of advice from starting yoga to eating better. My therapist yesterday said the four rules she would recommend are:
- Making time to see some people
- Making time to be alone
- Making time to exercise
- Getting enough sleep

She also told me about Hyperboleandahalf - a blog on depression that is in the form of cartoons. Have a look here. Rona did warn me that spring time can some times make you feel down as with new growth it gives the feeling of new beginnings and makes you reflect a bit on where you are in life. I don't usually get depressed in spring. Rona likened it though to new year, which is when I often do hit a down.

Better Day

Today has been a better day and had a sense of purpose. Started off with teaching in children's church which was fun. We had a visitor with us from England who was with us for the day whilst she waited between connecting flights from Bulawayo to London. After church we took her to the annual Verandah Gallery Art Exhibition held in Emerald Hill. As always there was a great selection of works by all sorts of local artists. Does inspire me to get on and paint as there are also always a few pieces where you think, I could do better perhaps. Must maybe try for the one next year.

A collection of birds I rather liked at Verandah Gallery.

We drove out to the airport to say goodbye to Ash and it was nice in the space of a day to have made a new friend. We then went via home to see my dogs. I'm house sitting again currently for Polish friends and looking after their mini Staffordshire terrier Misia. We got back home to see the end of Le Tour de France. Made me remember my visit to Paris almost 5 years ago. Some happy memories. I would love to go back.

Blue

How to respond to the simple question
"How are you doing?" It should be simple,
yet is so hard and is not how I feel inside.
Inside there is a cavernous hole,
it threatens to take complete control.
But instead I smile and say "Fine!"
What a lie!

This inner sadness it lingers and binds,
and all I really want to do is hide.
Away from people, away from life,
away from all that is causing me strife.
It is an effort but I carry on,
but how much longer I wonder,
can I stay strong?


To some it may seem weak to call it depression.
People don't know what that means.
They have never felt this crippling pain
that all too quickly brings you to the brink.
That aching emptiness that leaves you in despair,
where nothing helps, nothing matters,
you can't just snap to and move on.
No, you crumble into a ball and cannot move.
It's not a choice, you wouldn't wish it,
all you want is to escape it.
But it holds you captive, incapacitated, alone.