Depression in the Time of Typhoid

So it appears Harare has a typhoid epidemic, although the government hasn't really responded and there is no medical alert. A close friend of mine has had it and is recovering. She's not sure still where she contracted it from. Guess one has to be wary about eating out and what water you're drinking. Have become familiar with the tale of Typhoid Mary.

Am helping my two students that I tutor at the International School with their assignment on plastic. Learnt today that the first plastic was invented in the late 1800's as a solution to not using ivory for billiard balls. The inventor Hyatt instead created a plastic out of cellulose and camphor. Also found an article on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch - a floating mass of floating plastic waste spanning from California to Japan. My Chinese student got quite emotional about it and it's effects on animals and the environment but my Swedish student was rather unfazed. Claire the Chinese student may come up with a solution, who knows.

Only had two others come to tonight's Depression Support Group meeting. It was constructive though and we were able to share on different challenges with depression and our own experiences. Was told about a TED talk by Andrew Solomon. I think the one below is one of the best I've heard on depression to date. It was brought up at the group that we could try do work on raising awareness in Zim and try offer support to those who can't afford treatment. A girl I was at school with is currently running from Harare to Victoria Falls for awareness on mental health and to raise money for the Zimbabwe National Association for Mental Health. If you'd like to sponsor her have a look here. You can also read her posts as she runs on Wordpress here.

Nellie English running for Zimbabwe Mental Health

TED talk on Depression by Andrew Solomon

Photograph not a painting

I am busy preparing for the Wild Geese Art Festival in 3 weekends' time (eeeeek). The coordinator, Leslie Johnson, posted on Facebook my photo of one of Imire's dams with the msasas in the early morning. She simply stated it was one of my landscapes but failed to say it was a photograph. It was amusing that I got over 20 comments saying how life like my painting was and how it looked just like a photograph. Had to put a comment that it is indeed a photograph and not a painting - I am not that good at capturing life like imagery in my painting. Several acquaintances also said they had seen a painting of mine and didn't realise I was so talented - again I had to break it to them, haha. Below is the photo and my current attempt to try paint it in acrylic so I have actually tried to capture it in paint.

Speaking of Imire I will be filling in for the Volunteer Coordinator for a week mid-May. The home school have said it's OK as for the moment we only have one student for next term. They will be trying to get more students but schools go back next week. In the meantime I have picked up another student to tutor AS level maths to. So far we've been doing arithmetic and geometric progressions. It has been a while since my brain has had to think like that. I guess it's good for my grey matter. I also have a friend who wants me to revise statistics with them.

Have been doing better than when I last posted. Seen my psych who put my olanzapine back up again as that may have contributed to my low. I had had an exceptionally social Wednesday prior to my crash. This was followed though by days when I didn't have structure to my day which is never a good thing. I also spoke to my psych about how lithium seems to numb my emotions and I just don't feel passionate about things any more and how this is potentially affecting my faith. She has said I will have to decide if I want to switch meds again - potentially to anti-convulsants or stay on lithium. To quote her though "lithium is the gold standard of medication for bipolar" and the other meds will come with their own baggage of side effects. I need to research up on them.

Having our next Depression Support Group meeting on Wednesday and topics people have put forward are 

1) Dealing with the lack of desire to socialize;

2) anxiety, how to cope with change and lack of control; 

3) when should you tell someone (work, boss, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) that you have a mental health problem?; 

4) being overly sensitive and empathetic, is it a bad thing? how do i deal with strong feelings?; and lastly 
5) getting over the guilt of taking care of yourself first (is it selfish)

and 

Coping alone

Finding and changing drugs/doctors that work for you

How to tell someone about your mental health issues 

Treating yourself through diet and exercise

Coping with change

The issue of coping with change is a big one for me as it causes me anxiety and can trigger dips.

Retreat

And just when I thought I was doing fine
the chemistry in my brain is changed and I retreat.
Between the bed clothes I hide
away from the world, work and myself.
I feel like nothing and shrink into my shell.
To the outside world all has to be well.

I just don't get this thing called life
and all the things for which we strive.
Others don't understand and pass remarks,
they're unappreciated and inside I grimace.
This unpredictable bipolar brain and its drugs,
just when I thought I had it tamed.

Doubt

Today is Easter Sunday but I am finding it hard to keep believing in God and have faith. Ironically the sermon when I went to church with my Mum today was focused on stop doubting and believing - with reference to the story on Thomas. Since going on lithium I have stopped having such drastic lows but on the other hand have started to just not care about things I once did deeply. In praise and worship this morning I could hardly sing the words as I felt I don't really believe it and I just don't feel a conviction in my faith. This does upset me as I still do feel God's judgement and a fear of him but I struggle to see his love and feel any relationship or truly know him. I start to wonder if I ever really did.

I guess this is something I have to work through and I need a new revelation. My lithium hardened heart needs to be softened and made alive again.

Melted Easter eggs and my sister engaged

It's Easter weekend and on Maundy Thursday the shops were chaotic with people hoarding food for the weekend or for going away. I had been invited to go to Nyanga but I had already committed to house sitting and looking after Charlie the foxy cross jack russell. I am allowed to use the car whilst house sitting but got all the way across to Mount Pleasant before noticing I had virtually no fuel left - panic. The people I'm house sitting for weren't responding to a frantic message and then phone call to ask if it was diesel or petrol. Eventually went to Brusters' Garage as reckoned they would know and they did. Unfortunately this and a forgotten appointment with my psych meant the Veldemeer's Easter eggs and bunnies I had bought had melted. I had to go back again and they had significantly less stock. I gave one of the melted bunnies to a street kid - reckoned they wouldn't mind melted Belgian chocolate - well I hope they didn't.

On Thursday evening I went and did some art with my friend Lucy. She is wanting to hold it every week and we both need to get cracking to produce stuff for the Wild Gees Art Festival in May. I am going to also print some photos to try sell, just bigger than post cards. Last night I went to a friend's birthday at Tin Roof (yes it is similar to the one in Cape Town :P) Was a nice evening though and she had friends out from Newcastle.

Today my sister and her fiancé finally made their engagement public. They actually got engaged in early January but Beth has been trying to email people individually to tell them before broadcasting it on Facebook. My other half-sister Mandee got married two weeks ago in the UK. So it's just me, the eldest, who is still single. Both my therapist and psych have said if I want to have children I'm running out of time - no pressure!

Starting a depression support group and we have our first meeting at my therapist's on Wednesday. Am researching on different ideas on how to run it but guess we will also go with the flow and with what everyone else wants. Have seen some posts on what to watch out for like one person dominating the whole time. My therapist has offered to be there with us but my psych says to decide what we want as either it's a support group or a group therapy session. Will see. I'm not feeling depressed at the moment since I've been on lithium but my friend who is a psychologist said it's important to have some in the group who are in a good space and I guess it is a way of giving back and I can empathise fully. There isn't an existing group for this. My therapist is going to put word out about it within the Harare therapist group.

Tomorrow for Easter Sunday will go to church at The Base and then have a friend joining us for lunch. I then may work on finishing my painting from Thursday and completing my friend's baby quilt. Apparently the batting adding stage is tricky - may go to a friend for help on that.

Super Runbo

Had an English lesson with my Chinese family this morning and I played and talked with my former 3 year old pupil Runbo. We coloured and built things and then at the end of the lesson he pointed to his costume from a school play yesterday that was hanging on the washing line drying. It was a superman suit complete with cape and insignia. Runbo begged his Mum to take it down so that he could put it on to show me. He emerged from his room as superman and proceeded to jump off a bucket to fly. He did look cute. His family is heading home to China for the Easter school holidays.

I will continue teaching my grade 7 and grade 3 from Bishopslea over the holidays and may have some Israeli businessmen to use my CELTA with. I possibly may have tutoring with the home school as well. I need to get going with doing art to exhibit at The Wild Geese Art Festival in May.

I am currently putting together a quilt made from squares friends drew on with fabric pastels at my friend Lucy's baby shower. Been using the video below to help me. Going to do a simple cross over border as mitring looks a little trickier.

Went to the food and craft fair at Queen of Hearts two Sundays ago. There was a lot on display and it was a fun outing. My mother however stopped to talk to almost every stall owner so it took a while to get around.

Been to two documentaries since last I wrote. One on the transgender community in Los Angeles (well actually a film shot entirely on iPhones) and then another called Unearthed on fracking. Have also joined a book club and am making my way through the book "All the light we cannot see" by Anthony Doerr. The next book will be "The book of memory" by Petina Gappah. Supposed to start an art group next Thursday and the following week I will be organising the first support group for people with depression at my therapist's. So all go I guess.

Growth

Growth

Like a cancer infiltrating the system,
slowly taking over its life blood and operation.
Using up resources closely guarded,
straining the existence of all.
They say it's development,
what is required, push on.
But what of nature, the earth?
Will its soul be sapped.