Some great and inspiring quotes

Insomnia

Have had a flip to a more upbeat mood but didn't sleep last night so hoping it doesn't become manic. After days of just sleeping though I am not on too great a sleep deficit. Just read "The Grass is Singing" by Doris Lessing and I can strongly relate to Mary Turner the protagonist who sleeps her life away to escape from reality.

Picked my Mum up from the International School Grade 12's graduation last night. Made me think about what it was like to be on the cusp of going to university and having the world before you. Feel a bit jaded and cynical about careers and finding what you really want to do. I realise that only a small percentage of the world makes it to the end of high school and then goes to university, which I should be thankful that I did. Life seems to get harder after that and such a nauseating competition. Have also just read "The Giver" which makes one reflect on that a little too.

Burning Bridges

I have a habit of burning bridges I haven't even crossed.
Over analysing and talking myself out of opportunities,
the indecision cripples me and brings me to my knees.
The what-ifs come flooding, the thoughts of maybe
but all that's left is an emptiness and they were not to be.
I plan so far ahead and then things just don't go to plan.
I'm back at square one and all has come undone.

The Three Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said,  "Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty."  Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world.  Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the Hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter," and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest. At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship. When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the Woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my Tree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down. When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.  The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end. The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark. The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams. Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn.. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.  Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said "Peace" and the Storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.  Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it. The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had Imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best…

Not going overseas

It's with a heavy heart I've decided not to go over to England tomorrow. I have been having another bout of depression and have decided to stay here in Zim and try get my medication sorted out. I am really sorry to not be seeing those of you over there. Thanks for all the love and support.

Faith

Feeling more upbeat today and positive about going overseas on Saturday. I think leaving is going to hit me but am preparing my lessons as much as I can and wrapping things up here. A friend is going to install Boardworks on my hard drive just now, which are animated slides for biology. This will help and I am putting together my lesson ideas. It's still going to be a bit stressful preparing for the first two weeks as there is only so much I can prepare without the text book and I've got a way to go with my resources for individual lessons. Am going to be busy the week after I get back from France. Don't know yet which group I will be teaching English to and what level they will be.

Yesterday at church we were challenged to think "what are you doing for heaven's sake" and looked at faith to walk on water and meet life's challenges. Was a good word for me to think about and take with me. The story below also was encouraging.

One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. 'God', I asked, 'Can you give me one good reason not to quit?' His answer surprised me... 'Look around', He said. 'Do you see the fern and the bamboo?' 'Yes', I replied. 'When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo', He said. 'In year three, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit.' He said. 'Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. ..

But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. 'I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.' He asked me. 'Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots'. 'I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.' 'Don't compare yourself to others.' He said. 'The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.' 'Your time will come', God said to me. 'You will rise high' 'How high should I rise?' I asked. 'How high will the bamboo rise?' He asked in return. 'As high as it can?' I questioned. 'Yes.' He said, 'Give me glory by rising as high as you can.' I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. Never, Never, Never Give up on yourself... For Prayer is not an option but an opportunity. Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is, tell the problem how Great the Lord is!

Therapy

Am in a slightly better space this week. I seem to be getting bad downs as part of my PMS and they have been getting worse. My psychologist has said to try evening primrose but I would like to see if there is anything else as it means every month I seem to hit a down. Saw my therapist yesterday and we talked through Oxford, the work and stress loads and my general mental health. She said for the time being I'll just have to plan for the downs and identify them for what they are, not try fight them and try to just get through them. I wish I could get something to help with them before I leave for overseas but there isn't really time now to play around with my meds. The next down could be the week before I am supposed to start teaching which is not great.

This is the horrible thing about being bipolar, it never completely goes away and when you slip into depression you fear the worst and it holds you captive once again and you just feel rotten and worthless. I was trying to fight the last down but it got to the point where it all just seemed too much and I just couldn't put on a mask any more and carry on. Meant I missed two days of teaching and languished in bed feeling useless. I can't really afford to have that when overseas.

A friend is worried as if I went the NHS route in the UK if I needed help I could have to wait and at worst might have to go into a mental hospital again. This is of course worse case scenario. Spoke to another friend though and she suggested that I bite the bullet if I hit a big low and just go see a private doctor. My medical aid should help cover it. This really is the worst case but do have to consider it. Another thing I have to think about is whether I keep my entire 3 months medication with me or give some of it to the friend I'm staying with so that the temptation to just take it all is not there.

Overall my therapist has said this should be good for me though and I have wanted to get out of Zim for a bit. Trouble is with the pressure of the work that is ahead my rut here starts to feel very comfortable and safe. The work load is going to be quite heavy, especially initially with lesson planning. I am supposed to be teaching English and then maths and biology for students that don't speak much English. The maths and bio are going to be tricky as I am used to using the teaching method here in Zim whereby you just give notes and explain. For TOEFL you can't do that and you're supposed to come up with lots of creative ways to convey vocabulary and its use. I have to prepare two hour lessons which is also a little challenging and they'll be everyday.

Might see my therapist again next week before I leave, especially if I'm still in a last minute panic mode. Going to miss my other furry therapists i.e. my dogs.

Bit anxious

Two weeks today I leave to go overseas. Have been feeling anxious about putting my lessons for the summer teaching together. Also have had quite a down again after my friend's wedding and have been struggling to just get out of bed each day. Although I've done the CELTA course, applying it to teaching biology and maths is proving a bigger challenge than I thought. A friend who trains teachers in TEFL here in Zim helped me and I was really grateful to sit with her and see how I can apply CELTA to biology. Still a little daunted and it doesn't help not having the text book I will be using. Finding some stuff on Pinterest though to make lessons fun.

Think I'm a little anxious about leaving home for so long and being on my own a bit. The returning bout of depression has not helped and has been quite crippling. I think I fear failing again and in a way am wanting the perfect lesson plan and to arrive in Oxford all ready to teach. Finding it hard to cope here has made me worry about how I'll manage overseas.

HIFA came and went whilst I was having my down and I didn't enjoy it as much as in previous years. Missed three performances whilst having my big dip. There isn't time now to review my anti depression meds but when I get back will need to see if there is something to stop such big downs maybe.