What it feels like to be depressed

I recently came across an article in Huffington Post titled"What Bipolar Disorder Really Feels Like". The cartoons by Ellen Forney really capture emotions I experience with bipolar and things I find difficult to express at times. In the article the cartoon with the swimming pool and shower is truly how it can feel to come out of a low.

I can also really relate to how Ellen depicts manic phases and I have experienced similar things to what she has when sharing the fact that I am bipolar.

Not wanting to get out of bed and face reality is another all too familiar feeling and battle for me. I found cartoons on a Buzzfeed article very apt. It sounds so easy to just get out of bed and get on with the day but there are days for me where I just can't and retreat into a world under my blanket where I don't have to face the deep inner unhappiness. Luckily haven't had that for a little while but there are days when I just can't.

Reconnecting with my Dad's side

For those who don't know my Parents have been divorced since I was about 8 and after my Dad became abusive I eventually stopped seeing him when I was about 12. It was all rather a rough period of my life and I tend to bury it. My Sister has been in touch with my Dad recently but I have not. He did not make an effort to try reconnect with me and it only two years since he made contact with my Sister that he finally asked after me. In many ways I am happier to not be in contact but it did hurt that it took him this long to ask anything about me.

I have recently connected with two of my cousins who's father is my Dad's brother. Their part of the family had always remained neutral and I had heard from my Aunt in Australia. When I was down in Joburg two weeks ago I met up with my one cousin and it was good to reconnect and be with family. I heard news of my Grandmother who is my only remaining grandparent and of my Aunt and other cousins. We unfortunately ended on bitter terms after things got complicated with my Dad and I have not heard or seen them in a very long time.

On returning to Zim I found that one other cousin is actually attending the same church as me in Harare. I had never met her before and it is a long time since I have been in contact with her dad, my Uncle and his family in Bulawayo. It is quite nice to have another family member in the same city as us though.

Having a better week

I have been doing better this week. Written some articles for the Imire blog (if you want to have a look go to the Imire Volunteer Blog) and had a meeting this morning with a professor at the UZ to look at some statistical analysis. Being busy and interacting with different people helps me.

We had a celebration of World Rhino Day at Imire last week and it was a success and we had generous sponsorship. The children did some great posters and gave some lively performances of poems and drama on conservation. The elephants visited and saluted the Deputy Minister of Tourism.

We have been having issues with our domestic worker whom we had to fire and who has challenged her dismissal and involved the Ministry of Labour and now ZANU PF spouting trade unionists. Luckily a good family friend is a labour lawyer and has very kindly helped us. My Mum got attacked by our maid's brother in law while I was in Joburg and we are trying to be more security conscious. Prayed about it at home group though on Wednesday and we're at peace about it, although it is irritating.

Went to a great play last night called "The End of the World in Borrowdale Brooke" and "Sunrise" (it was a two part play based on the character of Mrs Mupasa). Thoroughly enjoyed it, with Mrs Mupasa following ZBC news on the predicted apocalypse with the Mayan Calendar ending and then trying to register to vote in Harare but accidentally going to an HIV testing station by mistake and wondering why they wanted a blood sample and to know how many sex partners she had for Zim elections. Hilarious, would thoroughly recommend for a good laugh. It is on at the Alliance Française this weekend.

Last weekend I went to watch the Parlotones and then Selim Kagee at the Borrowdale Race Course. Thoroughly enjoyed the Parlotones and was surprised that I knew quite a few of their songs. Selim Kagee was also good but sang a lot of Elvis. Tonight I am going to Starlight Dancing at National Ballet and then have rehearsals this weekend for a local adaptation of Les Misérables at Reps for a performance in two weeks time.

Being pro-active

Had a check up with my psychologist today and she challenged me to be more pro-active in changing my circumstances and to be more of a go-getter in life. I know I am not always as assertive as I could be. My challenge lies in that I am still not sure what I really want out of life and that makes it hard to chase after things. My doctor said I should always send a follow up letter after an interview and should pound the pavement and go in to meet people not just send an email. This is not my style but she may have a point.

This week I'm not so stressed and taking a breather. Starting to think of next year and different possibilities. It is suicide month or at least the month that we refer to as that as it gets really hot. It is the anniversary of when my classmate committed suicide in Form 1 and I always do think back on it. I found the quote below a good one.

A friend shared an article titled Ten things you should never say to someone with bipolar. It was an interesting read. Personally I don't take offence to banter on being bipolar. The only occasion I've been upset was when a friend lashed out at being grouped in my Facebook support group and said some hurtful things about how she perceived bipolar as a stigma. I guess I don't like being thought of as different just because I have it. I have come to terms with having it but it does not define me. I can jest about it and often do to make light of what can be a difficult disease.

Facing and appreciating the mountains

Last weekend I went down to Joburg to see a dear friend who was over in South Africa visiting her family. Whilst there I went with her family to schul or synagogue. The rabbi gave a brief talk on mountains and how it is not ideal to be at the top of the mountain as you have no further challenges to face and you are no longer stimulated. At the same time it is not a good place to be to be intimidated at the base of a mountain and be overwhelmed. Rather it is best to be at the start of the mountain path full of inspiration and motivation to overcome it. I guess this is true for life. I do struggle with my mountains which can become overbearing.

I saw my therapist on getting back to Harare and she has challenged me to take time each day to think of beautiful things and the good things that have happened. A friend lent me a book which I am taking a while to get through called "Sleeping with Bread". The title is based on the true story of children who were orphaned in the Second World War in London who were left destitute and couldn't sleep at night worried about what would become of them the next day and if they would eat. To quell this fear they were given a loaf of bread to sleep with to reassure them that they ate today and would eat again tomorrow. The book goes on to explain a mindset and prayer life where you look back at the day each night and think of one thing you are grateful for from the day and one thing you wish you could change. This helps you see what is important and appreciate what is good and challenging you in life.

So my challenge is to think more positively and develop my appreciation of the good rather than the bad. I guess the 100 days of happiness challenge on Facebook is a bit like that. I need to take stock more of what I am thankful for.

The things I do on a high

I have a habit of over committing myself when I am in an upbeat mood and setting myself up for failure as I set the bar too high. Often when I've been having lows when I do come out of them I'm on such a high I feel over enthusiastic about everything and come up with grand plans and schemes that are not always that easy to carry out. I contact people though and share my ideas and get them on my bandwagon which makes it ever harder to not live up to it. I know I do this and realize after what I've done but in the heat of the moment I make rash decisions and send the emails which can land me in a stew.

My latest was to reconsider a PhD again. I started contacting previous supervisors and local contacts to try do a PhD on wetlands. Having done all of this I then hit a low again and lost my motivation and drive. People still think I can do it but I start having doubts. In a way it is good when my ambition rises but then I have to question if a PhD is the mentally healthiest idea for me. We will see. It is out there and there is a need to do research on Harare's wetlands. If I'm going to do it I need to pick up the reins and ride with it.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.