Today feels like the worst day I have ever lived

Whilst waiting for over three hours to desperately see my psychiatrist yesterday, the thing I had been dreading happened. My boyfriend and I broke up. I am absolutely devastated as I really do love him and it feels like a chasm has opened up inside me that is dragging me into a deep black hole. I have never felt this much pain. I finally saw my psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for sleeping tablets, but it didn't work!! I will admit I was very tempted to find the box and take all of the other ones at one go and be done. My mum has the meds though and knows I might do this. I am not in a good place though. I need to skype Rona again and my doctor has said I can go back and see him any time (although I will probably have to wait forever again).

This morning it felt like the Russian Doll scenario where the song, "Got to get up" is on repeat and I have to live the scenario over and over again with no escape and ease from the pain. I am so near breaking point and at times teaching I am so close to dissolving into tears. I have to get my game plan on as I have the jolly mother coming to see me at lunch time and I can't let her see me like this otherwise she can say I am unprofessional. But she is likely to still be angry with me.

Self harm and suicide are not far from my mind. I need to just keep busy and try, try hard, to get over it. But my heart is broken.

Silly Mzilikazi

I got to school and it felt good to be back to focusing on getting things done, but I now feel like a chewed out piece of string. The assembly today on the parable of the lost sheep spoke to me personally. Had to laugh though, when the head told the students that people have been looking after sheep for thousands of years, the one boy with autism chirped up, "Like the dinosaurs!" I marked my class's social studies homework on the Ndebele and had to try not to smile when my one boy with autism had written, "silly Mzilikazi", each time he referred to him. One of my other students wrote that apparently Mzilikazi's famous son was Nelson Mandela - OK.

My class produced some good sketches of the school and playground and really got stuck in with shading techniques, which was cool. One of my other student's mother's wrote that her son was anxious this weekend and in the middle of English he asked me if he could sit and do some mindfulness as he was feeling stressed out. I think he really was, so I said yes, but it was a little awkward as I didn't know how long it was going to take for him to be less stressed, so I gave his as long as he needed. My one student then asked though if they are allowed to do that in exams next week. Tricky one!

I see my psychiatrist just now and will see what he says about sleep and if he will give me medication to help. Might need another therapy session over skype with Rona.

Do I have a mantra to live by?

I am looking at the format and template for writing for the Friendship Bench on living with bipolar and they want to know if I have a mantra or quote I live by. Hmmmm. I guess I tell myself when it gets tough that it has to get better and tomorrow is a new day. If I was to get Biblical I might think of Jeremiah 29(11) - ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Listened to Christian music this afternoon as I tried to work (I am definitely not working as fast as I usually do) and it soothed. I am still not sleeping well though and am feeling half dead.

My mum is set to try book to fly next weekend. My aunt and she are worried about me remaining here on my own. I do have friends though. My friend Nina yesterday did say I could go stay with her if I want, which was sweet. Hopefully I will be sleeping by next weekend. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will discuss it with him and see if he can put me on something to make me sleep as if I don't I can go over the edge (I just can't afford to do that. I really can't lose my job). At least my job does get my mind off stuff but I do have to face the angry parent on Tuesday and I need to be ready for that and in the right mind set.

Have chatted to various friends around the world today which was nice. One in the States, another in Australia and then one who was here last week, but is now in Cape Town. Did cheer me up. It is jolly hot for March (almost hotter than October) - it is also not helping with sleeping as it is staying hot well into the night (unusual in Zim). Climate change is happening, I tell you. My one student when we did climate change last week said, "Thank God it is only going up by 1'C on average." Well that is still disastrous, my friend.

Article for the Ministry of Health

I first experienced depression in high school. At the time not many people in Zimbabwe recognised it for what it was, and my family doctor told me to just get a grip. It was only in Switzerland that I was diagnosed, initially with clinical depression, later back in Zimbabwe with bipolar depression. It was hard for me to take on this new identity and I didn’t want to be told I would have this for the rest of my life. Since then I have discovered that many other people in Zimbabwe have some form of depression. In the last year or so dialogue on it has really begun to open up, but there is still such a way to go to be able to treat sufferers with dignity and give them the help and resources they need.

When I have been suicidal I have found that many emergency health professionals do not respond in a compassionate and understanding manner. You are often chided for not being responsible and you get the feeling you are wasting the doctor’s time. There is a need for health practitioners to get a better understanding and to be trained in how to respond to suicidal patients, so that the patient feels safe and not judged. Medication has helped me overcome the perils of my illness, but it is difficult to obtain the drugs I have to have daily. This is vital for me to lead as close to a normal life as I can.

The doctors I have seen in Zimbabwe have been world class, but I am one of a privileged few, who can afford to pay to see them. There are many other people in this country who urgently need such care, but do not have the finances or facilities to receive it. The Friendship Bench has made a great stride in making therapy more readily available to all. More along these lines is needed.

Randoms

I sit here trying to mark my mountain of books but my thoughts are far, far away.
Baby dedications this morning and the pull of wanting a family. Having to think about whether popcorn might choke a toddler and chatting to a parent from school who was also there.
Heat wave that makes you feel sapped of energy and staying hydrated.
Driving through Borrowdale Brook and feeling transported to a Constantia or Bishops Court. An out of Harare experience.
Seeing my best friend and realising just why she is and how much I value her. Exchanging war wounds and encouragement and saying how there should be emoticon stickers, including the poo one. But how would that go down with my current parent. At least a face palm, eye roll, scrunched up eyes and frightened one would do. Alternatively a great big rubber WTF stamp. But no, have to be cool, calm, collected and sensitive at all times.
I'm just very tired.

Sound of Sleeping

Hello insomnia, my old friend
You won't let me sleep again
Because of things that have been
and the world when I should be sleeping
and the words that are flitting round my brain,
still remain
Even though the world is silent.

In restless sheets, I toss and turn
whilst feeling all alone
I have to turn on the lamp
and try to cling to something
When my heart is stabbed by things unsaid
That split the night
and the sounds of silence.

Something in the water

I managed to sleep last night!! Thank goodness, another night of no sleep would have been a disaster. After a long session over skype with my therapist (it was so good to chat to her as she probably knows me better than anyone now, and she gave such practical ways to tackle things and try get a grip of things. So grateful to her for doing it from South Africa), I made some changes and had ways to think of things more positively and make them less of a mountain. She is on standby for me this weekend if things go belly up relationship wise.

The good news was that I was able to postpone seeing the angry parent until Tuesday and the headmistress is 100% behind me as she happened to hear the exact thing I said to the class as a whole, that the parent is trying to say I said just to her son. Phew! Such a relief to have my head's backing on this and to know this is a difficult parent and the teacher last year also had problems and it is not just me. Still am a bit nervous for Tuesday though, but hoping by then her anger might have simmered down a little.

I have my Chinese six year old just now. Haven't had him for a while and have missed him. He is my favourite student of all time and I should feel good after taking him.

Finished my exam papers but one dear parent messaged me at 8 o'clock last night wanting a break down of every topic for every subject by today. Um, I just said they would have it on Monday. I still don't really agree with having exams for these students every term. On the one hand they get used to it, but on the other it really stresses everyone out. I actually got my class to sit and do some mindfulness after break, which calmed everyone down. They seemed to enjoy it when they stopped talking and being silly about closing their eyes. Might try it again some time.

Don't know what happened this week, but lots of people have had hectic stuff. At school, a lot of the other teachers have had things and other friends of mine. Here's to a better weekend for everyone, and I really can say T.G.I.F.!!!