Whilst waiting for over three hours to desperately see my psychiatrist yesterday, the thing I had been dreading happened. My boyfriend and I broke up. I am absolutely devastated as I really do love him and it feels like a chasm has opened up inside me that is dragging me into a deep black hole. I have never felt this much pain. I finally saw my psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for sleeping tablets, but it didn't work!! I will admit I was very tempted to find the box and take all of the other ones at one go and be done. My mum has the meds though and knows I might do this. I am not in a good place though. I need to skype Rona again and my doctor has said I can go back and see him any time (although I will probably have to wait forever again).
This morning it felt like the Russian Doll scenario where the song, "Got to get up" is on repeat and I have to live the scenario over and over again with no escape and ease from the pain. I am so near breaking point and at times teaching I am so close to dissolving into tears. I have to get my game plan on as I have the jolly mother coming to see me at lunch time and I can't let her see me like this otherwise she can say I am unprofessional. But she is likely to still be angry with me.
Self harm and suicide are not far from my mind. I need to just keep busy and try, try hard, to get over it. But my heart is broken.
Things that I wish someone had told me when I felt this way 14 years ago https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break
ReplyDeleteI spent a year sleeping with 2 tissue boxes in my bed, on each side, because I was just crying all the time and that way I wouldn't have to roll over. I was less good at asking for help and finding support than you are.
DeleteThere is life - good life! - on the other side of this.
Thinking of you Katy - sometimes there is no easy path around, just taking one small prayerful step at a time and walking the path in front of you. You are surrounded by people who love you... and sometimes even knowing that you can feel so completely alone... in some respects I've been there. Be gentle with yourself and ask for help when you need it... as someone else has already said, there is life waiting for you to experience it when the pain subsides a little...
ReplyDeleteOh Katy, I am so saddened by your story. You are amazing and loved by so so many... Near and far! A friend of mine took her own life recently and for those left behind..there are no words. Take care of yourself, because no matter how bleak the future looks for you right now..this too shall pass. Take some time just for you. Cry when you want, all you want, and know that you are not alone. Sending love from Cape Town, T xxx
ReplyDeleteLove you Katy Lannas - Very sorry about the break up. I am here for you.
ReplyDeleteKaty, being recently in your shoes. I can only give you love and support and a hope that this pain.. will pass. The chasm, gets filled... and if you allow yourself time and kindness.. the things that fill the chasm become more meaningful than the person that once filled that space. YOU deserve the kindness YOU define for yourself... no one else can give you the love YOU want or need.
ReplyDeleteWhilst I may not be "the guy" or "the one" ... I would like you to know that I value you. What you bring to this world.. the way you connect people to each other.. how you advise others and most importantly.. how powerful your words and actions are.. for people who learn from your pain..
I admire you.. and I want you to know that you are valued - I hope that all these comments on facebook and your blog - including my own comment to you - demonstrates how much worth you bring to our lives.. and we are hopeful that this means something to you.. as we encourage you to take your time.. and your space to heal. And we will all be there as you take your first step.. when you are ready.. to find yourself again.