It is a very strange feeling to suddenly have nothing to prepare or mark. As much as it might be a good idea to go to Cape Town and be away, not having structure and something I have to do each day is equally not a good thing. Routine keeps me sane and now it is gone. I might try go do some art with Sarah Fynn on Wednesday though perhaps and people have set up coffee dates with me. One mutual friend of Matt's and mine is doing his best to make sure I am out and about and not sitting at home in the evenings, which is sweet. There is just one person I would rather be spending my time with though and that is what hurts so bad. We did meet for coffee this morning but he didn't want to even hug which hurt.
I went to Arundel after and sat and chatted to Mrs Lobb who has been kindly checking in on me all week. She is collecting stuff for recycling. When I get back from Cape Town, there is a lot of stuff at home I can take to her.
Am a little spaced out on the higher dose of olanzapine and the sleeping tablet. I guess I would be feeling much more raw if I wasn't but it is disconcerting what medication can do to your outlook and mood. I might need to go back and touch base with my doctor before I go to Cape Town. The only bright side of the last visit was that I had lost quite a bit more weight.
A part of me wants to just be a hermit and hide from the world. Re-hashing what is happening can get painful. The danger is, if I become a real hermit I won't get out of bed and could sink into a really deep dark depression. Self harm thoughts are still there and I am hurting. People say with time it will get better. It just is incredibly painful and hard right now.
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