What I see as church ministry

My homework for christian counselling is to define what I see as ministry I have received. To be honest I really battled with what ministry means. I looked it up and this is what Wikipedia had to say:

"In Christianity, ministry is an activity carried out by Christians to express or spread their faith, the prototype being the Great Commission. ... Some ministries are identified formally as such, and some are not; some ministry is directed towards members of the church, and some towards non-members."

I guess this relates to doctrine and teaching I have been given. Until the age of 18, I was brought up Catholic. There were fundamentals like communion and the Trinity. We were taught though that our sins were forgiven when we went to confession and that you were baptised as a baby. There were things I questioned as a teenager and as a result I didn't do confirmation as I didn't feel ready. I really started rebelling against dogma when I was 19 and went to a friend's youth group, The Arena. At first I found it too happy clappy and wasn't convinced by the altar calls and found the intensity of worship off putting. I did sense something bigger and more intimate though in their relation to God and this did draw me in. Henry Olonga, the famous Zimbabwean cricketer, spoke at one service and his call to repent was compelling and I did go up for the altar call. I didn't feel any different afterwards but I did feel I needed to change things in my life. I became much more active in the youth group, painting banners and doing art work and I went on a camp where I started praying in tongues. Again I was a teeny bit skeptical about this.

After my year doing the Commercial course at Convent, when I was involved at the Arena, I went to university in Cape Town at UCT. Well I think it was slightly serendipitous that in the Orientation Week when various churches came to our residence hall I thought I was speaking to someone who was linked to a church affiliated to the church back home, but it turned out it was a different church - Church on Main, and I went to the wrong home group meeting. I made some of my best friends of all time in that church and they carried me through my time at university. I did various evening courses on theology and got quite a firm grounding in church doctrine which was biblically based. Oh I actually did feel guilty about not going to the church affiliated to the Arena in Cape Town at first and was going to two meetings on a Sunday and went to Bible school with His People for one semester but I was burning myself out with it and decided to stick with Church on Main. I'm sure His People is just as good a church but it wasn't for me at the time.

In one of Zimbabwe's worst years - 2007, I came up to Zim with Church on Main people on an outreach (it did feel weird outreaching to people in my own country). I connected then with what was Gateway to the Nations, but is now The Base Church and it opened doors for when I came back to Zim in 2009. I came home at the end of my studies in Cape Town and plugged in to The Base Church doing kids ministry, art and choir. It was initially brief as I went to Switzerland where I went to C3 Lausanne, but when I came back from Switzerland permanently I rejoined.

I think the greatest ministry I have received is not necessarily from what the pastors or priests said, but when individual members of the church reached out to me in my times of need and came along side me, encouraged me and helped me carry on with words of wisdom, encouragement and prophecy. These have been what have most meaningfully spoken to me, louder than anything ever said from a pulpit.

I will confess I drifted away from church the last couple of years. I felt my depression was seen as an overly spiritualised condition in the church and not as the biological abnormality I see it as, as a scientist. I also find the longer you are out of church, the harder it is to go back as you just feel so judged. I do know it is your own thoughts that tell you that but it can feel that way. When I was dating Matt I went to St Georges for mass. I did find the homilies a bit empty but the tradition and community was a comfort and less judgemental. Tomorrow I am going to try go to another more charismatic church with a friend who is also searching for a new church. I just hope they don't overwhelm us as new comers.

Keeping busy - my biggest coping strategy

This weekend is going to be very busy, I actually won't have much time on my hands at all, but from days of Dr Chagwedera and sessions with Rona, this is my best coping strategy. When I have time to kill and if it seems endlesss, I sit and ruminate and sink down. Today I have just moved in to cat sit for the week in Avondale. The cat in question though has brought a dead rat in somewhere in the bedroom and it is making its smell pronounced. I was asked by the friend whose flat it is to try locate it last night while she stood at a healthy distance - don't know why she thinks I am less squeamish than she is, but I guess a very dead rat wouldn't particularly bother me. The smell does though. It is somewhere around a chest of drawers, but no luck yet. My dogs would find it and chew it in a trice but it just isn't possible to get them here to find it (although the thought is ever so tempting). Theoretically the smell will eventually go away and the rat will just decay but I have no idea how long that will take. There is massive building construction going on next door so I am going to have to be a lot more security conscious as the builders can all see right in to the property here. I need to remember to go check on an elderly dog I house sit for normally too from Monday in Monavale. Suddenly very much in demand again for animal sitting.

So today, I went and picked up a hand made soap from a friend who has started The Little House of Herbs. She does beautiful stuff and it is all essential oils. Love it. I have a zoom lesson with my Chinese six year old (need to talk him out of eating pangolins from last lesson - eeeek). Then I am going to watch the film, The Favourite, at Reps in Theatre Upstairs with friends. Apparently it is actually pretty historically accurate according to BBC. I then have a four year old birthday party that I will go to after the film. Tomorrow is also fairly busy.

Last night I went to the art exhibition at Wechi - Art Framing and Gallery. There were some great pieces, the ones I liked particularly were by Coral (I have forgotten her surname). She used fabric collage in her work, in a most effective way. Mercy Moyo also does this with her portraits. Love it and want to try some time. The curator at Wechi said I should bring some of my better pieces and if they like them they could put them up on their website which attracts international buyers - pressure, eek. I also saw Leslie Johnson who organises the Wild Geese Art Festival. I had better look at what date it is, as I am apparently definitely down to exhibit - another eeeek, I didn't know it was definite. I had better paint!

Trying to be selective about what music I listen to, as that really affects me mood wise.

Today I paint arum lilies

So, so much for no regrets. I now have a big one. I regret saying to my ex what my therapist said about cutting ties. I didn't want to but he wants to be "casual friends", where we only see each other at random things we both go to - that's not many and it didn't fit with my definition of what being friends means. It hurts because he broke up ending with "we will always be good friends" - he lied. I am more angry than sad right now.

I was going to go and volunteer again at Highlands Presby today and then go to The Base Church for another counselling session, but the counselling got cancelled so I decided instead to go and see my high school teacher, Mrs Sternslow again instead. I am so glad I did. She is still frail but although lucid only on and off, she was speaking and I even made her smile a few times, which warmed my heart. She also suffers from depression and kept saying she wishes it was all over. Next time I will try take her quotes I find helpful for depression. She also remembered the paper mache bowl with arum lilies she gave us as a gift once. Turns out she likes arum lilies even more than suflowers. I am trying to remember when arums are in flower. Have decided to get my paints out and paint her a picture of lilies for her wall. Will try make it as bright as possible. I associate arums with mourning and it feels like I am mourning the loss of not just a boyfriend but also my best friend, so it will be cathartic.

Had personal training yesterday and Cara pushed me hard. At one point she thought my lips were going blue - I did feel like I was going to be ill, I won't lie. Feeling it a bit today but good to be back to exercise again and working towards greater fitness. She has been a true friend and going for training is definitely therapeutic.

The blow

Now it is questionable that we are even still friends,
is this where it all ends?
There was a part in my heart that dreamed
maybe it's not over, maybe it can be saved.
You have said no though
and I take it as a big blow.
You were my best friend
but it seems I wasn't yours.
You want to just cut the final chord
and it makes my heart terribly terribly sore.

Aujourd'hui, la vie est belle

Today have had different forms of therapy and I will go to my personal training just now, which is another form. I unexpectedly bumped into a friend I had to cancel coffee with yesterday, and we had a lovely impromptu catch up and coffee this morning. We are reconnecting and have found all sorts to chat about. We're going to try find a church together, we've decided. I am still undecided but not keen on somewhere that sees mental health issues as from the devil. If I could find somewhere like Christchurch Kenilworth perhaps. It is really special to be nurturing a friendship with someone.

I had therapy with Rona after, and today was a whole lot better and I was in a stronger place compared to my last session on Skype where I basically bawled my eyes out for most of the session and my therapist didn't get much out of me. I have come a long way in the space of a week and again a big shout out to my friends Warren, Mary-Anne, Neesha, Candice and Jason for taking time out with me in Cape Town. It all helped me.

So my exciting news is that I have more work online teaching students in China over the internet. I have been asked to teach Chinese teenagers at a school in China about conservation issues in Zimbabwe. I am pretty stoked. They will email me questions for a skype session next week. My mum is actually teaching the Chinese Ambassador here's daughter (never know, maybe can source more online teaching through that route too). I think I need to start learning more Chinese. Sharon you need to come back! I have my Chinese six year old on Zoom just now, sitting under the trees at Aroma Caffe.

With my therapist today we talked about how to fill holes left from my break up and then with issues to do with my mum and dad, how I need to maybe try give the benefit of the doubt if I can't forgive. Rona talked about the difference between sympathy and empathy. I think I tend to be more empathetic but in some cases less so and I need to try to be. Regarding my mum's hoarding and a few other things, Rona feels my mum maybe needs her own therapy sessions but I on my own am not likely to change things. Have done some clearing this week at home, but still lots to be done. It is easier when my mum is not there.

It was a good thing I didn't sleep last night

I didn't sleep last night again, but it was just as well as it turned out, as our gardner phoned me in the early hours of the morning to say he had a high fever and could I bring tablets to bring it down. He seems to have bad diarrhoea - worried it might be cholera or typhoid but going to try get him to the clinic today and get him to just rest. Means we're busy boiling water and preparing rehydration fluids.

Yesterday I helped pack clothes for the relief effort for people affected by Cyclone Idai, at Highlands Presbyterian Church. It was a great experience and lots of good camaraderie between people of all walks of life and across races and religions. From there I went to try get petrol using a coupon we have for Puma, before the coupon expires. There has been an issue with the coupon as it was paid for with US dollars before the price of petrol went up but after a court case the garage eventually agreed to honour the volume it was for originally. Well I sat in that queue for four hours!!! People kept jumping the queue and I ended up squashed between cars in the bicycle track. I was supposed to have had personal training at 2.30 but by that point I was well and truly blocked in and couldn't get out and to top it, my phone died (couldn't tell my personal trainer what had happened but she kind of worked it out from my last Facebook post saying I was in a petrol queue). By that point I had also sat in the queue for so long I was reluctant to just give up and really needed to use the jolly coupon before it expires. I got to the front of the line and a fight broke out with people frustrated that the "legitimate" queue kept being sidelined for others jumping in. A government car then rocked up and wanted to butt in front of me. I was not pleased but wanted to just sink behind my steering wheel. The others in the queue were arguing on my behalf vehemently whilst the government dude threw an apoplectic fit about not being let through. It all thankfully ended OK and I was allowed through and my coupon was used but they only let me use one at a time - still have another two (groan).

Was supposed to have gone to an art class this morning but need to stay home and get our gardner to the clinic. Was also supposed to have met a friend for coffee. Will try do some sorting and clearing at home today.

It is a bit better with my soul

Having sunk into depression, I did reemerge towards the end of last week, helped along by my cousin Jaimie whisking me off to swing dancing (even if it was level 3 and I haven't really done it before, it was still fun) and then my friend Warren taking me off for coffee and visiting Christchurch Kenilworth. It all helped me re-see purpose and the slightly brighter side of life again. I also taught my Chinese six year old on Zoom. My last lesson revolving around his new catapult which he had immense pride in showing me. My heart is less sore.

Got back to Harare last night and this morning I sorted out what happened to my savings account and what my new "nostro" account is. Tomorrow I am thinking of going to help at Highlands Presby Church with the aid for those affected by Cyclone Idai. I then will have personal training and quiz. I have offered to go in and help at school but so far they still seem OK with me just coming back next term. I need to work out where I put my work crate, not sure if I left it at school.

Looks like house sitting on the horizon before I start a long shift in Kensington and then Avondale for friends' cats. Spending some quality time with my dogs today. Have missed them. See my therapist Rona again at the end of the week. Have been having sessions with her online in CT, but she does prod in sore places.