Today I make mousakka and lists

Still feeling a deep seated hurt but trying to keep my mind occupied. Have a friend coming round just now for coffee and to give her stuff from her ex in Cape Town. Then going for coffee at Veldemeer's with another friend. Need to do grocery shopping for Nyanga - I am going to make and freeze a mousakka to take to Nyanga at the weekend. Also have to go past National Parks again with the printed official letter requesting data on poaching from the school in China (I have a Skype conference with the students Friday morning at 7 am). Then need to pass by home and show our gardner where I want my new plants to go and get some stuff. My mum is picking me up to go see Mrs Sternslow this afternoon. So I should be busy, hopefully the melancholy will lift. If not maybe I should do some more burpees - but I am stiff today, I won't lie.

Reading an assortment of books. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman (enjoying it so far, like his writing style), Scars on the Soul by Françoise Sagan and then Healing and the Mind by Bill Moyers. Kind of go with my mood. I might have a junior school child to tutor over the holidays. Will be good to be busier and also earn a bit more.

Today has been slightly tearful with a touch of rain

Basically think I wasn't busy enough today and going to St George's for choir last night unhinged me a bit. I hope I don't get like this in Nyanga. It has also been overcast with some rain (we d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y need the rain but cloudy days make me low). Cara gave me a hard work out though. She did it with me again which made me really push (especially on the 30 burpees - my word!) We finished a bit early but I really couldn't have done more. My legs are still shaking slightly from last week's gruelling session - when I squat at all - you actually do more than you think. The end result though is an endorphin boost so I do feel a bit better and will try do some art tonight.

I went to Wechi this morning after dropping off Deborah. Well first I had a cup of coffee and an almond croissant at Aroma Caffe (owned by the parents of my former Sardinian student who is now at chef school in Italy). Yes, my exercise was working that off later, and yes I am kind of defeating it but I needed chocolate, but I should try not to make it a daily thing. Back to Wechi though, their prices were in US and then rate of the day for bond (today at 4:1). Calculating the relative cost for The Picture Frame (they want half in US dollars), Wechi still comes out cheaper and if the rate of the day were to go down it would be even more reasonable. They also offered to just mount some pieces nicely which is A LOT cheaper than framing. For Wild Geese they did point out that the person buying might not like your frame. I can technically mount things myself, but they do it so much more professionally. But after all of this I think working in a framing shop must be a lot of fun. They had some pieces that had just been framed by Tami Walker (a photographic artist). They were stunning. She gets stuff printed in South Africa and then framed at Wechi. Her work is beautiful.

Popped home to get my gym gear and see my dogs. It promptly started pouring with rain. Then just had training. Am going to try one other person who does framing who is based at Dandaro and then make my decision but leaning towards Wechi. For Wild Geese I want to print a couple of photos on either canvas or wooden blocks. Focal Point do both but will also try PrintWorks and then maybe Strachans (the only problem is they are in town). Checked the date for Wild Geese - it is the first weekend of June, so a bit of time, but I need to get organised before school resumes in the first week of May.

You are there

My mind carries you with me
to so many different things.
You're there in the articles
that flash across my screen.
When I see other couples
celebrating their love.
When I pass places
where we have memories shared.
You will be there in Nyanga,
off fishing at the dawn.
You are at St Georges
in the grounds and great halls.
I want to share things with you,
kiss you once again.
But your lips are now cold to me
and you have effectively moved on.

Singing but also grieving

Today was a less frenetic day. I did another search with Evermore the house keeper where I am house sitting, to try find the dratted rat but still no joy, even though the smell is ever so pungent. I went home for a bit and romped round the garden with my dogs (they really would find the offending rat very easily - they are very good at that, but getting them across here might be a tad chaotic). I sifted through some of my art work and picked out pieces I wouldn't mind framing. Found some pieces I had forgotten about and think I was in my prime when I did A Level and then art at Gallery Delta with Helen Lieros. Couple of pieces from later on under Peter Birch (he taught me oils) and then Sarah Fynn (she taught me how to have fun with abstraction and mixed media).

I went and picked up some canvases to take to Nyanga at the weekend and then went to try get info from National Parks on estimates on how many animals were poached in Zimbabwe last year. I am supposed to speak to teenagers in China this week on Skype and they asked for this information. Well I got shunted from one person to another at Parks as they were reluctant to divulge this. I know it is pretty broad and probably wouldn't cover the small organisms but at least for elephants, rhinos and pangolins, I thought they might have some idea. I ended up with someone in the Director General's office and she said I have to have an official letter with the school's letter head and explain exactly what I want this information for and the Director General may or may not consider offering data. I had contacted The Zambezi Society and Tikki Hywood Trust and they both suggested contacting Parks directly. Seems like very delicate stats.

After this I went to The Picture Frame on Churchill and got some quotes for framing - gulp, they were pretty expensive and I felt a bit intimidated and abash showing my art work. I am going to try get quotes from two other sources and compare. At this rate I might only frame one or two paintings a year and scrimp and save in between.

Had time to kill at St George's before choir started. This turned out to be not such a good thing. Being there reminded me a lot of Matt and going to mass there. I got a bit tearful and almost decided to just go home. Saw a school friend though and went to choir practice. They are rehearsing for concerts in about three weeks' time. I could possibly pick it up but the choir mistress said she only wants me to sing in it if I am 100% confident. I forgot I will be in Nyanga next Monday so I think I should opt out of the concert but the music they are singing is good and the conductor gives good technique tips. She said at one point to imagine you're in a magnificent cathedral and you are going to fill every space with harmony. I shared music with a lady who turned out to be an old family friend from when my mum and aunt lived in what was Umtali, now Mutare.

Singing this version of The Prayer.

Also singing the Nun's Chorus, which will forever remind me of singing with Miss Capelluto.

Will see what tomorrow holds. I have to take the lady downstairs in the flats I'm house sitting in to the airport first thing, then might go get framing quotes from Wechi and I have personal training - feeling my quads and hamstrings from last week still.

A good Sunday - keeping busy

Went to watch The Favourite yesterday. Didn't realise it was not 2 but actually 3 jolly hours long - goodness me! I missed the birthday party. I can't say I would rave about it. It was pretty dark - the rabbits ... and other things. Olivia Colman did act well but it left a sour taste in my mouth and one of the incidents I really don't think was historical. Having said that I want to join The Film Society.

This morning I went to Harvest Church with my friend Di. I think I may have found where I would like to go (Warren it was a bit Christchurch Kenilworth-ish). They didn't put pressure on us as new comers and I actually knew quite a few people which was nice. The person who preached had an almost Trevor Noah sense of humour (I loved it. Incidentally I have just discovered Trevor Noah is on Netflix - awesome). In the notices a ladies' retreat was announced at the Hideaway and the cost was given in US dollars. He said it will be at rate of the day for other payments - whatever that will be then. He then dived into the topic for the coming weeks up to Easter of The Road to Golgotha. He said it was to get a more real meaning of the crucifixion and redemption. Easter is not about Easter eggs - which in Zimbabwe are now flipping expensive any way, so we won't be eating many.

51 When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem. 52 And he sent messengers ahead of him, who went and entered a village of the Samaritans, to make preparations for him. 53 But the people did not receive him, because his face was set toward Jerusalem. 54 And when his disciples James and John saw it, they said, “Lord, do you want us to tell fire to come down from heaven and consume them?”[e] 55 But he turned and rebuked them.[f] 56 And they went on to another village.

⁵⁷ As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”⁵⁸ And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” ⁵⁹ To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” ⁶⁰ And Jesus^[g] said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” ⁶¹ Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” ⁶² Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Today's message was on Jesus setting his face towards the cross (Luke 9 vs 51-62). It also was on how we set our sight on heaven, where there are no more sorrows, shame and sickness. How we all have a personal journey to Golgotha in which we die to self and crucify things that are holding us back. We get comfort, peace and rest when we are in God's presence. It all spoke to me.

At the end of the service a friend invited me to join them and some others to go to Nyanga next weekend. Have managed to sort out for my mum to cover the night I am still house sitting. Will take my easel and canvases and go paint for Wild Geese. Not sure if oil or acrylic. Will see. It will be lovely to get away again.

I went to Reps for the quiz but joined a new team. We didn't do too badly and it was fun being with theatre people and one of my high school teachers and her daughter. Watched the tribute to Queen put on by Dance Avenue. It was excellent and there were definite Freddy Mercury-isms. The dancing made me nostalgic and remember when I used to be able to do some of those moves (some, not all). It was only an hour but a really great feel good show. Saw a colleague from work which was nice and she said they had missed me - aw! I miss them too and my students.

Just got back from going to see my high school English teacher. It was lovely to see her up and sitting in a chair today. She was more alert and able to follow what we said and had a bit of her naughty twinkle back in her eyes. We took her some chocolate and her face just lit up. I am still working on her arum lily picture.

Will be skyping friends in Germany just now and then possibly my sister. Need to think what I am going to do this week to keep busy. I should have a staff meeting and may go out to Tiri Vanhu (the mental rehabilitation home in Ruwa) with a friend. Otherwise might try go home and keep clearing stuff to make more space.

What I see as church ministry

My homework for christian counselling is to define what I see as ministry I have received. To be honest I really battled with what ministry means. I looked it up and this is what Wikipedia had to say:

"In Christianity, ministry is an activity carried out by Christians to express or spread their faith, the prototype being the Great Commission. ... Some ministries are identified formally as such, and some are not; some ministry is directed towards members of the church, and some towards non-members."

I guess this relates to doctrine and teaching I have been given. Until the age of 18, I was brought up Catholic. There were fundamentals like communion and the Trinity. We were taught though that our sins were forgiven when we went to confession and that you were baptised as a baby. There were things I questioned as a teenager and as a result I didn't do confirmation as I didn't feel ready. I really started rebelling against dogma when I was 19 and went to a friend's youth group, The Arena. At first I found it too happy clappy and wasn't convinced by the altar calls and found the intensity of worship off putting. I did sense something bigger and more intimate though in their relation to God and this did draw me in. Henry Olonga, the famous Zimbabwean cricketer, spoke at one service and his call to repent was compelling and I did go up for the altar call. I didn't feel any different afterwards but I did feel I needed to change things in my life. I became much more active in the youth group, painting banners and doing art work and I went on a camp where I started praying in tongues. Again I was a teeny bit skeptical about this.

After my year doing the Commercial course at Convent, when I was involved at the Arena, I went to university in Cape Town at UCT. Well I think it was slightly serendipitous that in the Orientation Week when various churches came to our residence hall I thought I was speaking to someone who was linked to a church affiliated to the church back home, but it turned out it was a different church - Church on Main, and I went to the wrong home group meeting. I made some of my best friends of all time in that church and they carried me through my time at university. I did various evening courses on theology and got quite a firm grounding in church doctrine which was biblically based. Oh I actually did feel guilty about not going to the church affiliated to the Arena in Cape Town at first and was going to two meetings on a Sunday and went to Bible school with His People for one semester but I was burning myself out with it and decided to stick with Church on Main. I'm sure His People is just as good a church but it wasn't for me at the time.

In one of Zimbabwe's worst years - 2007, I came up to Zim with Church on Main people on an outreach (it did feel weird outreaching to people in my own country). I connected then with what was Gateway to the Nations, but is now The Base Church and it opened doors for when I came back to Zim in 2009. I came home at the end of my studies in Cape Town and plugged in to The Base Church doing kids ministry, art and choir. It was initially brief as I went to Switzerland where I went to C3 Lausanne, but when I came back from Switzerland permanently I rejoined.

I think the greatest ministry I have received is not necessarily from what the pastors or priests said, but when individual members of the church reached out to me in my times of need and came along side me, encouraged me and helped me carry on with words of wisdom, encouragement and prophecy. These have been what have most meaningfully spoken to me, louder than anything ever said from a pulpit.

I will confess I drifted away from church the last couple of years. I felt my depression was seen as an overly spiritualised condition in the church and not as the biological abnormality I see it as, as a scientist. I also find the longer you are out of church, the harder it is to go back as you just feel so judged. I do know it is your own thoughts that tell you that but it can feel that way. When I was dating Matt I went to St Georges for mass. I did find the homilies a bit empty but the tradition and community was a comfort and less judgemental. Tomorrow I am going to try go to another more charismatic church with a friend who is also searching for a new church. I just hope they don't overwhelm us as new comers.

Keeping busy - my biggest coping strategy

This weekend is going to be very busy, I actually won't have much time on my hands at all, but from days of Dr Chagwedera and sessions with Rona, this is my best coping strategy. When I have time to kill and if it seems endlesss, I sit and ruminate and sink down. Today I have just moved in to cat sit for the week in Avondale. The cat in question though has brought a dead rat in somewhere in the bedroom and it is making its smell pronounced. I was asked by the friend whose flat it is to try locate it last night while she stood at a healthy distance - don't know why she thinks I am less squeamish than she is, but I guess a very dead rat wouldn't particularly bother me. The smell does though. It is somewhere around a chest of drawers, but no luck yet. My dogs would find it and chew it in a trice but it just isn't possible to get them here to find it (although the thought is ever so tempting). Theoretically the smell will eventually go away and the rat will just decay but I have no idea how long that will take. There is massive building construction going on next door so I am going to have to be a lot more security conscious as the builders can all see right in to the property here. I need to remember to go check on an elderly dog I house sit for normally too from Monday in Monavale. Suddenly very much in demand again for animal sitting.

So today, I went and picked up a hand made soap from a friend who has started The Little House of Herbs. She does beautiful stuff and it is all essential oils. Love it. I have a zoom lesson with my Chinese six year old (need to talk him out of eating pangolins from last lesson - eeeek). Then I am going to watch the film, The Favourite, at Reps in Theatre Upstairs with friends. Apparently it is actually pretty historically accurate according to BBC. I then have a four year old birthday party that I will go to after the film. Tomorrow is also fairly busy.

Last night I went to the art exhibition at Wechi - Art Framing and Gallery. There were some great pieces, the ones I liked particularly were by Coral (I have forgotten her surname). She used fabric collage in her work, in a most effective way. Mercy Moyo also does this with her portraits. Love it and want to try some time. The curator at Wechi said I should bring some of my better pieces and if they like them they could put them up on their website which attracts international buyers - pressure, eek. I also saw Leslie Johnson who organises the Wild Geese Art Festival. I had better look at what date it is, as I am apparently definitely down to exhibit - another eeeek, I didn't know it was definite. I had better paint!

Trying to be selective about what music I listen to, as that really affects me mood wise.