Getting ready for next term and I think I have a rat

Had a fairly quiet Easter with my mum and friend Mags out from England. On Friday I went with my friend Cara to their commemoration of Christ's death and had dinner with them afterwards. Started back to things from yesterday with an AS level biology lesson. Dug out notes and things and we went over cell morphology and functions. Will go back into school for the first time tomorrow and touch base with the head.

Took a bit of offence at the message on Easter Sunday at the church I am visiting, when they referred to Mary Magdalene as a "mental case" and said people wouldn't have believed her because of this. I thought it was a bit insulting. The person who gave the message just phoned as a follow up to me visiting and I said as someone with bipolar I didn't really appreciate what was said. They did apologise.

Still not managing to get the chickens into the coop but they are a little less jittery. I think there is a rat in the pantry though. The main thing I am worried about is it eating the chicken feed.

Nyangaring, herding chickens and burning the house down

The trip to Nyanga over the weekend overall did me good. Went on lots of long walks, painted using my easel Matt made me and climbed Eagle's Nest. We also eventually found the dairy and had fresh scones with dairy cream (although my friend Ioana was alarmed that the dairy doesn't pasteurise their milk and told me about some of the diseases you can get, eeek). It did bring back memories of my last trip with Matt and I cried a little.

We passed through two "educational" police road blocks. They basically stopped us, asked if we knew how to drive safely and then said we could proceed. A bit pointless. Also noticed that the ED presidential campaign bill boards are being torn down. I think intentionally. We stopped at Halfway House midway and found the loos had been upgraded and my friend Cara's folks are doing a great job at turning it around and trying to get it back to what it once was. Definitely worth stopping.

Nosi who came with us is also a former Convent girl. She is blind but bravely came up Eagle's Nest with us which I found very humbling and I greatly admired how much trust she had in us to get her up and down. She very sweetly said that when she gets to heaven she will ask God to see my paintings.

Got back to immediately start my next house sitting gig. This particular job involves looking after chickens. I must say, I think I prefer dogs and cats. Chickens are hard work in some ways. Trying to get them into their coop last night just didn't happen. So far I have only spotted two in the garden this morning. Really hope number three is somewhere around. Otherwise I will just have to buy another one.

Met up with my special friend Pippa at Aroma this morning. Was lovely to see her again, but sadly had to cut things short as I got a frantic message from our next door neighbour saying she couldn't get hold of my mum and our gardner said something was burning in the kitchen. Thank God today is the day Given works at our house and not somewhere else. I had to hot foot it home and managed to get the burning pot outside and switch off the stove. It really could have burnt the house down though if it had been left. I think I still smell of smoke, but just so grateful to our neighbour, our gardner and another friend Vee for getting hold of me.

Hoping to see another friend, Suba, who is also out from England this afternoon. She is currently in a petrol queue. We nearly forgot our jerry can in Nyanga with an extra 20 litres in it. Thank goodness we didn't as we needed it on the way home. We did forget to take tea with us for the weekend - longest I have ever gone without a cuppa. Ooops.

Am doing better tonight

Well I went round to where I am house sitting from Tuesday to discover the cat I was supposed to be looking after is very sadly no longer. He had to be put to sleep yesterday, which is all rather sad. I am still required for the chickens however. I think I would rather a cat in many ways but there we go. I have to put the chickens to bed every night and talk nicely to them to get them in the coop with a bit of tempting with feed. I have never had to look after chickens, but there is a first time for everything I guess. Not signing up to look after a house snake - just putting that out there.

On better terms with Matt which makes me feel a lot better and lifted some of the weight of this last week. I am not getting my hopes up about anything but I think I will sleep better tonight and I am not weeping like last night.

Saw my psychiatrist - an hour and a half wait - better than the last time of three hours. He says my lithium is causing my hand tremors and the shaking in my legs when I squat - I thought it was my personal training causing the legs but he said no, I need to decrease my lithium dose. I read an article yesterday on BBC about a 35 year old having Parkinson's and it made me a tad worried. I know my gran developed it from the medication she was on. My hand trembling comes and goes. There are days when holding a cup of tea is difficult and I struggle not to spill it.

Off to Nyanga with three others at 10.30 tomorrow. Will try stop at Halfway House - my friend and personal trainer, Cara's parents have done it up and are trying to make it a nice place to pass by en route to the Eastern Highlands. Back in the day it was, but it has fallen a bit to wrack and ruin since then. I remember they used to do amazing Cornish pasties and had a really interesting antique shop. I also remember the homemade marshmallows and sugar mice that were beautifully crafted and delicious. The marshmallows especially over a fire in Nyanga - yum!!!

Drizzling with a tinge of melancholy

I had a good skype session with the students in China. One of them had no idea what a pangolin is. They still want stats on poaching. Have emailed WWF back again to try at least get rhino figures, but this may be sensitive information that they can't really divulge. My letter sits with the Director General of National Park's secretary. A friend joked I might have the CIO after me - um, yah, I might. Have sent the students articles on pangolins and an infographic. Need to try get this information across to my other Chinese student who said he has eaten a pangolin.

Went home and got my art stuff for Nyanga together. My dogs found my easel and basket of oil paint very interesting but they weren't happy when they saw a suitcase. Had coffee with a friend in Chisi at her lovely new digs. I actually know her landlady who popped past from quiz. Did a last shop for tomorrow's trip. Had to put a melon back though as they wanted $30!!! My word.

Going to see the person I am house sitting for next, just now, then have a 5 pm appointment to see Dr Mangezi. I am still not feeling very strong today and the weather being overcast doesn't help.

I weep to Saint-Saëns

I sit watching the cello being plucked and my mind drifts off. Suddenly I am weeping and just can't stop. Today has been hard. Re-examining how you have just cut me off. I know nothing of you, but you follow me online as I pour myself out. Or have you unfollowed, I know not.

Nyanga looms, it will be a blessing and a curse. So much of it will remind me of you. But escape I must and I need to create new memories of my own. But oh, my heart is sore. I am not ready to end, not wanting this, it is your wish, your wish alone. And I must bow and let my heart inwardly bleed, a death to what I thought was happiness to what has given way to agony. I did not know the heart could heart so.

Where to from here?

I forgot I was supposed to be checking in on an elderly dog in Monavale, but went this morning and he seemed fine. Then went to Dandaro and met such a sweet elderly couple who have turned their garage into a framing centre. The frames are a bit more rustic but will work AND ... it costs half of what I have been quoted, so I can get two paintings done for the price of one, and I feel really happy to give them the work. Made my heart happy.

Went on to my therapist and discussed what happened with Matt last week. She agrees that his term "casual friends" is not a friend and agrees that I gave him the opportunity to say how he really felt, which he just has not been saying. It hurts horribly, but maybe it is better than not knowing. Still wasn't easy and Rona made me say to myself, I will get through this. She thinks I am stronger than the person I was when I first came to her after Switzerland. I still feel wobbly though. Next week I am doing a session with her with my mum to try work on some things in my relationship with my mum. That's also going to be hard. I haven't forgiven her still for locking me out just before new year, a year ago.

This afternoon I have gym (hope no burpees :P ). Going to a concert at Arundel this evening. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow (forgot I was supposed to see him last week Monday, ooops). I've just bought a painting of cosmos by Karen Seager. Love how she applies her oil paint in it. First time I have invested in a major painting. Eating lunch now and about to zoom with my Chinese student from Aroma Caffe. My former student's mum, who owns Aroma, says my student starts chef school next week and has to prepare a meal from home for it in Sardinia. Excited for him.

Regret

I regret the way things ended,
with so much left unsaid.
I was distracted by the thoughts
racing through my head.
That was the other side of me,
a part you hadn't seen,
but it was important you still loved me
and waited until I could see.
I felt we could have argued
but tried to regain ground.
Mended broken pieces,
not cut it off as lost.
I was still willing but you decided not.
Now I have to handle your decision
that wasn't what I want.