Today I paint arum lilies

So, so much for no regrets. I now have a big one. I regret saying to my ex what my therapist said about cutting ties. I didn't want to but he wants to be "casual friends", where we only see each other at random things we both go to - that's not many and it didn't fit with my definition of what being friends means. It hurts because he broke up ending with "we will always be good friends" - he lied. I am more angry than sad right now.

I was going to go and volunteer again at Highlands Presby today and then go to The Base Church for another counselling session, but the counselling got cancelled so I decided instead to go and see my high school teacher, Mrs Sternslow again instead. I am so glad I did. She is still frail but although lucid only on and off, she was speaking and I even made her smile a few times, which warmed my heart. She also suffers from depression and kept saying she wishes it was all over. Next time I will try take her quotes I find helpful for depression. She also remembered the paper mache bowl with arum lilies she gave us as a gift once. Turns out she likes arum lilies even more than suflowers. I am trying to remember when arums are in flower. Have decided to get my paints out and paint her a picture of lilies for her wall. Will try make it as bright as possible. I associate arums with mourning and it feels like I am mourning the loss of not just a boyfriend but also my best friend, so it will be cathartic.

Had personal training yesterday and Cara pushed me hard. At one point she thought my lips were going blue - I did feel like I was going to be ill, I won't lie. Feeling it a bit today but good to be back to exercise again and working towards greater fitness. She has been a true friend and going for training is definitely therapeutic.

The blow

Now it is questionable that we are even still friends,
is this where it all ends?
There was a part in my heart that dreamed
maybe it's not over, maybe it can be saved.
You have said no though
and I take it as a big blow.
You were my best friend
but it seems I wasn't yours.
You want to just cut the final chord
and it makes my heart terribly terribly sore.

Aujourd'hui, la vie est belle

Today have had different forms of therapy and I will go to my personal training just now, which is another form. I unexpectedly bumped into a friend I had to cancel coffee with yesterday, and we had a lovely impromptu catch up and coffee this morning. We are reconnecting and have found all sorts to chat about. We're going to try find a church together, we've decided. I am still undecided but not keen on somewhere that sees mental health issues as from the devil. If I could find somewhere like Christchurch Kenilworth perhaps. It is really special to be nurturing a friendship with someone.

I had therapy with Rona after, and today was a whole lot better and I was in a stronger place compared to my last session on Skype where I basically bawled my eyes out for most of the session and my therapist didn't get much out of me. I have come a long way in the space of a week and again a big shout out to my friends Warren, Mary-Anne, Neesha, Candice and Jason for taking time out with me in Cape Town. It all helped me.

So my exciting news is that I have more work online teaching students in China over the internet. I have been asked to teach Chinese teenagers at a school in China about conservation issues in Zimbabwe. I am pretty stoked. They will email me questions for a skype session next week. My mum is actually teaching the Chinese Ambassador here's daughter (never know, maybe can source more online teaching through that route too). I think I need to start learning more Chinese. Sharon you need to come back! I have my Chinese six year old on Zoom just now, sitting under the trees at Aroma Caffe.

With my therapist today we talked about how to fill holes left from my break up and then with issues to do with my mum and dad, how I need to maybe try give the benefit of the doubt if I can't forgive. Rona talked about the difference between sympathy and empathy. I think I tend to be more empathetic but in some cases less so and I need to try to be. Regarding my mum's hoarding and a few other things, Rona feels my mum maybe needs her own therapy sessions but I on my own am not likely to change things. Have done some clearing this week at home, but still lots to be done. It is easier when my mum is not there.

It was a good thing I didn't sleep last night

I didn't sleep last night again, but it was just as well as it turned out, as our gardner phoned me in the early hours of the morning to say he had a high fever and could I bring tablets to bring it down. He seems to have bad diarrhoea - worried it might be cholera or typhoid but going to try get him to the clinic today and get him to just rest. Means we're busy boiling water and preparing rehydration fluids.

Yesterday I helped pack clothes for the relief effort for people affected by Cyclone Idai, at Highlands Presbyterian Church. It was a great experience and lots of good camaraderie between people of all walks of life and across races and religions. From there I went to try get petrol using a coupon we have for Puma, before the coupon expires. There has been an issue with the coupon as it was paid for with US dollars before the price of petrol went up but after a court case the garage eventually agreed to honour the volume it was for originally. Well I sat in that queue for four hours!!! People kept jumping the queue and I ended up squashed between cars in the bicycle track. I was supposed to have had personal training at 2.30 but by that point I was well and truly blocked in and couldn't get out and to top it, my phone died (couldn't tell my personal trainer what had happened but she kind of worked it out from my last Facebook post saying I was in a petrol queue). By that point I had also sat in the queue for so long I was reluctant to just give up and really needed to use the jolly coupon before it expires. I got to the front of the line and a fight broke out with people frustrated that the "legitimate" queue kept being sidelined for others jumping in. A government car then rocked up and wanted to butt in front of me. I was not pleased but wanted to just sink behind my steering wheel. The others in the queue were arguing on my behalf vehemently whilst the government dude threw an apoplectic fit about not being let through. It all thankfully ended OK and I was allowed through and my coupon was used but they only let me use one at a time - still have another two (groan).

Was supposed to have gone to an art class this morning but need to stay home and get our gardner to the clinic. Was also supposed to have met a friend for coffee. Will try do some sorting and clearing at home today.

It is a bit better with my soul

Having sunk into depression, I did reemerge towards the end of last week, helped along by my cousin Jaimie whisking me off to swing dancing (even if it was level 3 and I haven't really done it before, it was still fun) and then my friend Warren taking me off for coffee and visiting Christchurch Kenilworth. It all helped me re-see purpose and the slightly brighter side of life again. I also taught my Chinese six year old on Zoom. My last lesson revolving around his new catapult which he had immense pride in showing me. My heart is less sore.

Got back to Harare last night and this morning I sorted out what happened to my savings account and what my new "nostro" account is. Tomorrow I am thinking of going to help at Highlands Presby Church with the aid for those affected by Cyclone Idai. I then will have personal training and quiz. I have offered to go in and help at school but so far they still seem OK with me just coming back next term. I need to work out where I put my work crate, not sure if I left it at school.

Looks like house sitting on the horizon before I start a long shift in Kensington and then Avondale for friends' cats. Spending some quality time with my dogs today. Have missed them. See my therapist Rona again at the end of the week. Have been having sessions with her online in CT, but she does prod in sore places.

Struggling

My mum seems to be on the mend. I am less so. I really am struggling at the moment with life and there seems no relent. I feel a great feeling of loss and heart broken. Have seen a few friends which has been nice but my mind feels like it is not there. Having therapy with Rona just now. We will probably dig into the sore bits. I have been eying paracetamol again. Am in a very hard place.

The Sea Within

Wandering through botanical gardens,
but my heart is not here.
Seeing friends and familiar places,
but it's raw within.
Engaging in conversation,
but I'm not really here.
Reconnecting and sharing spaces,
but I'm adrift and lost at sea.
The wounds inside are bleeding
and I'm a ship tossed at sea.