Cloudy Weather

Last week seemed to be going well and I was fairly sociable but on Friday I hit another dip and ended opting out of various social engagements and instead spent most of the weekend buried away under my duvet feeling rubbish. It's been overcast for the last week or so which might have contributed to it but also, whilst I had a meeting over the job and it looks set to kick off next week, it's still rather vague and I have yet to see the final contract.

Being sociable felt like a mountain I just couldn't face. I managed to go to a pub quiz on Thursday but on Friday I just couldn't summon the energy to go out and be sociable. It looks like for the beginning I will be based mostly in town, with a few days out every so often in Marondera. This is probably a good thing.

Had things that had to be done today for some other work and that finally pulled me out of my cocoon and face the world again. Having things that I have to do can make me come out of a slump. Having structure is good for me.

Hoping next week will bring more clarity and structure and I'll get a better idea of where things are going workwise. I'm going to have to really practise being assertive.

Pending change

Currently waiting to hear still if the job has been cleared by the Board and if I am to start next week or not. In the meantime I have been subbing at the International School and am entering data for a project in Save Valley. Also catching up with school friends who are home visiting their families from England, Ireland and America. So am keeping busy. In a way launching into a full day working schedule is going to be hectic as as I have mentioned previously, this is going to be the first time I will be working full time since my crash in Switzerland.

If for some reason the game park job doesn't work out my potential game plan is to advertise English lessons at the various Chinese restaurants in Harare and at the community centers of the Chinese community. I reckon there would be a market for it and I could earn a decent salary this way. Will see. I am going to miss being a free agent and being flexible to do coffee with friends and be part of the creative arts group I have been meeting with last year. My psychologist bluntly said though that these are less important than a paying job. I guess so but I will miss having a group to be creative with and hoping I will still keep friendships going.

The friend from England asked why I don't consider moving to the UK. Will have to see. Not sure if I would cope with the weather and it could be lonely. There are lots of my school friends there though and potentially I could earn a much higher salary than I do here. Think the lifestyle would be more pressurized than Zim's though and although I have friends and some family, I would still need a support network and not sure if it would match the one I have in place here. Nevertheless if I do secure employment and can save a little, I would like to visit the UK.

So waiting for the reply from the game park and will see where things go from there.

Waiting

I will find out hopefully tomorrow whether the board of the game park have agreed to the creation of the new post for me. It was a little bit of a curveball to be told that after all of this the position has been agreed to by the board yet and there is a small chance they could say no. I was reassured that this was very small, but still, there is a chance. If they say yes though as of potentially next week my whole life is going to change. I would be starting to work full days, to start off with in Harare till the end of January. From February I am to move out to Marondera. So big changes.

This past week while I wait I have been subbing at the International School for the music teacher, finishing off some other data entry work and then seeing friends who are back home visiting their families. I will have to get used to not being my own person and working from 8 till 5. I will probably find this rather tiring as I haven't done this since Switzerland.

The future is a little hazy with what I will be doing. I am trying to make the most of having my own time and doing what I enjoy with free time. This is going to be a luxury if I start working full time. Should the game park job not pan out, I will have to look for pupils to tutor. I am thinking of perhaps advertising to teach English at the many Chinese restaurants and community centres. This could be quite lucrative as there is a demand I'm sure. Continuing to work free lance and be my own boss has it's bonuses but guess is not a very secure position. I am going to have to work out how much it would offer in income and compare it to the salary I am being offered in Marondera. I don't always factor this kind of thing in but I guess I should.

Ultimately the final decision on taking the job if the board offers it rests in my hands. I just need to try and make a decision that I can live with and try not to do it out obligation in what I feel will please others. I can at least have a trial period of 3 months and decide fully after this. Will see. First off will see if I get the offer tomorrow and then take it from there.

Getting out of my comfort zone

So the meeting went better than I had anticipated yesterday. I managed to air some of my concerns with the new job and they were heeded. I'm afraid I still could have been more assertive with trying to negotiate over the proposed salary, I just don't like having to bring such things up and I give way in a discussion way too easily. The person who would be my main boss and supervise and instruct me day to day wasn't there as they are based out at the game park full time. The people I met with did warn me that he can have ridiculously high expectations and I will have to be careful to only take on what is feasible and not feel I have to meet every expectation and carry it all out single-handedly. This will be a challenge as I have a problem with saying no. Also, they did say I had to be careful not to over work myself as it will be up to me to take time out. I will pretty much be working 6 full days a week. Starting at around 5 am and possibly ending when the volunteers go to bed - so will be long days to say the least. Being based there full time and living there I will have to set my own boundaries as to when I need my own time out as otherwise I could end up working flat out 24-7. I did sense this at the previous meeting and that was one of my concerns as for the salary that is offered it is a high demand.

I am feeling a bit happier overall though and probably will go with it for the 3 month trial period at least. It is a job and in the current Zim/world economic climate I guess I can't be overly picky and it could be good. I just hope I will cope and will not get super stressed by the big expectations I have to fill. I have to keep reminding myself this is not Switzerland and I've come a long way since then. Looking after my mental health though is a challenge.

No such thing as the perfect job

After having semi made my mind up about the pending job I saw my psychologist again today and she's turned my decision upside down and made me have to reconsider all over again - arrrggh! I basically didn't sleep the other night going over and over it all in my head (not healthy I know).

Basically she challenged me to see my reasoning objectively and in light of the fact that I'm basically now unemployed and a job is a job and this one could potentially be a really good one if I give it a chance. I think the biggest problem is I'm afraid and I'm scared of what might happen if I get depressed and am away from my support umbrella. She bluntly said Marondera is not far and I would cope if I had to and I need to be independent and making a career for myself. This does make me think what sort of career am I really angling at. Teaching suddenly seemed so much more appealing all over again, but I know I would have issues with some of what that would entail and might not be totally happy that way. There aren't any teaching positions going currently though, which my doctor pointed out.

I would have a 3 month probation period which would be in my favour I guess if it really didn't go well and would give me a way out. Deep down I fear of getting trapped into it and then feeling I am a failure if I give it up having started. I have hangovers from Switzerland and think this could go the same way. My psych did remind me this is not Switzerland and is very different and I can't fail when I haven't even started and I haven't given it a chance.

Change unsettles me though and I don't get out of my comfort spot easily. I can be obstinate and cling on to what is familiar at all cost. I also hate making big life decisions.

Going to meet again with the employers, discuss things, iron out uncertainties and have clear idea of what they want and what they expect and then weigh it up and make my final decision as best I can. Any prayers that it will be for the best would not go unappreciated. Thanks in advance.

Gardening ... cheaper than therapy

Well it has been a bit of an exhilarated high and then a stifling indecisive low this past week. I went out to Marondera to the game park where I am being offered a job and whilst being nervous, I was initially excited. Once out there though I suddenly started having second thoughts as the last stretch of road is full of hard to navigate potholes and the volunteer base seemed rather cut off from humanity. I was also told that I would have to furnish the rustic cottage where I would stay myself. This will be a challenge. Whilst the research I would undertake could be interesting, my ideas were downplayed and an emphasis was put on how to tame the animals and keep them tourist friendly. This was slightly different to what I had envisaged.

Whilst going round the area we found a massive python and I was told there was a population explosion of them in that area. I am not a huge fan of snakes but somehow looking at the massive snake didn't freak me out as I normally might have been. I kept a healthy distance to the gigantic snake though. We were to then see another huge cobra on the way out of the park and in the space of the same morning the volunteers had seen four other snakes. I would have to overcome my semi-phobia of all things slithering and master this if I was to go out and live there. Returning to the volunteer base we discussed what my role would be. I was aware that I was possibly setting high goals and this also made me feel a little overwhelmed as loads of ideas were thrown at me and the expectations for what my role would be kept escalating. Throughout all of this no mention was made of what my salary would be and I didn't have the guts to bring it up.

The volunteers seemed fun and the lodge where they are seems fairly well equipped. A lot of the electricity is derived from solar power as ZESA is erratic. The ablutions were a little basic, with reed screens around an open air shower linked up to a solar panel for a geyser. One would have to trek out to these with one's towel and toiletries. This might not be such fun when it's bucketing with rain.

The actual park is set in beautiful countryside and there is plenty of game and a wide assortment at that. The elephants are used for elephant back riding and are tamed. The rhinos are all hand reared and there are both black and white and two of the females are pregnant. I was told that there is a plan to try to release the babies into the wild and part of my job will be to help research the best approach to this and to collaborate with other game parks in this. This would be something new and a challenge. I would also be researching how to train the elephants and assess their and the rhinos learning and behavior.

We left on the agreement that I would start working in town from mid-January and then move furniture out at the end of the month to be based out there full time after that. I had failed to ascertain how often I would be able to get back into town, what sort of leave I would get and not really having posed any other questions from my side on the overall contract. They had simply said they would send me the contract the following week. This left me feeling very uncertain with what exactly I was signing up for and I was thrown into a sea of indecisiveness and some misgivings. The idea of being away from my life and friends in Harare started to hit home and I started mourning it even though I hadn't even moved or started the job yet. In my usual fashion I began to over analyse and thrash it all out internally. This led to a very unsettled and moody weekend with a big cloud obstructing my outlook.

On Sunday I finally managed to compose an email to the employers and outline briefly my concern about being away from everything. They offered me a compromise of going out on a Monday and returning on a Friday. Also to possibly spend one week of each month based in Harare doing admin. This sounded like a feasible option, the only catch being I would have to get myself to and fro under my own transport. This is a problem as I currently share a second-hand golf with my Mum and this won't be possible. I'm going to have to think this through by tomorrow when I have a meeting with them.

I spent this morning in the garden cutting back some of the plants which have sprouted up with the heavy rains and become a bit unwieldy. It was a therapeutic time, with my dogs keeping me company and enjoying having me with them. It helped me rationalize things and get some perspective. This is a job well suited to what I'm  qualified to be doing. It will also be the first full-time job I've ever had which is something. At 30 I feel like all my contemporaries are rising up to promotional positions and advancing in life, whilst I am still struggling to make a basic go at things and just eking out on a minimal salary. The salary that I am finally being offered by the game park is not fantastic, but it is something and it is a job and possibly a really good one that I may regret not taking.

I went for coffee with a close friend yesterday and we discussed it a little. As she pointed out I do need to consider my mental health in all this and I have to make provision to be able to see my psychologist when needed. I haven't disclosed to the employers that I suffer from bipolar depression and I will have to see if I take  the job if and when I should tell them. When I have dips it might be hard going trying to continue as normal and keep up my work. I also won't have my key supporters around me to help me. They will be over an hour and halfs drive over a rough road to Harare.

Walking in my garden and pottering around with plants is my all time favourite occupation. At heart I'm really a botanist. If I could make a living which allowed me time to garden or possibly do something with gardening it might be something. Writing, doing art and gardening - that would be idyllic, but not sure that will pay the bills and it sounds more like a retirement option, not a high powered career plan. Perhaps though a stressful career is not something I should strive for all the time.

I need to weigh it all up, go with an outline of what are my terms and conditions to the meeting tomorrow and trust God that I am making the best decision with the outcome. We will see.

A new year

Some how New Year always makes me a bit moody and a tad down. I think it is the thought of change and I cling to the familiar of the past year even if it hasn't been the best of years. Feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow when I go out to get a feel for the new job and have to sort out the details of the contract. In many ways it will be good for me and a positive change. It will bring with it big changes in my lifestyle though and be the first full time job I've had since returning to Zim. A structured day should be better though and it should be a good balance of interacting with people, being outdoors and doing some research.

I guess nobody knows what the new year will bring. Zim remains unpredictable. The new indigenization laws and the threat of returning to the Zimbabwe dollar loom. What this will mean remains unclear.

One has to just trust God that it will be a good year and that we will be given what we can cope with. I therefore wish you a year of favour and blessings and that God will smile on what your future holds.