Gardening ... cheaper than therapy

Well it has been a bit of an exhilarated high and then a stifling indecisive low this past week. I went out to Marondera to the game park where I am being offered a job and whilst being nervous, I was initially excited. Once out there though I suddenly started having second thoughts as the last stretch of road is full of hard to navigate potholes and the volunteer base seemed rather cut off from humanity. I was also told that I would have to furnish the rustic cottage where I would stay myself. This will be a challenge. Whilst the research I would undertake could be interesting, my ideas were downplayed and an emphasis was put on how to tame the animals and keep them tourist friendly. This was slightly different to what I had envisaged.

Whilst going round the area we found a massive python and I was told there was a population explosion of them in that area. I am not a huge fan of snakes but somehow looking at the massive snake didn't freak me out as I normally might have been. I kept a healthy distance to the gigantic snake though. We were to then see another huge cobra on the way out of the park and in the space of the same morning the volunteers had seen four other snakes. I would have to overcome my semi-phobia of all things slithering and master this if I was to go out and live there. Returning to the volunteer base we discussed what my role would be. I was aware that I was possibly setting high goals and this also made me feel a little overwhelmed as loads of ideas were thrown at me and the expectations for what my role would be kept escalating. Throughout all of this no mention was made of what my salary would be and I didn't have the guts to bring it up.

The volunteers seemed fun and the lodge where they are seems fairly well equipped. A lot of the electricity is derived from solar power as ZESA is erratic. The ablutions were a little basic, with reed screens around an open air shower linked up to a solar panel for a geyser. One would have to trek out to these with one's towel and toiletries. This might not be such fun when it's bucketing with rain.

The actual park is set in beautiful countryside and there is plenty of game and a wide assortment at that. The elephants are used for elephant back riding and are tamed. The rhinos are all hand reared and there are both black and white and two of the females are pregnant. I was told that there is a plan to try to release the babies into the wild and part of my job will be to help research the best approach to this and to collaborate with other game parks in this. This would be something new and a challenge. I would also be researching how to train the elephants and assess their and the rhinos learning and behavior.

We left on the agreement that I would start working in town from mid-January and then move furniture out at the end of the month to be based out there full time after that. I had failed to ascertain how often I would be able to get back into town, what sort of leave I would get and not really having posed any other questions from my side on the overall contract. They had simply said they would send me the contract the following week. This left me feeling very uncertain with what exactly I was signing up for and I was thrown into a sea of indecisiveness and some misgivings. The idea of being away from my life and friends in Harare started to hit home and I started mourning it even though I hadn't even moved or started the job yet. In my usual fashion I began to over analyse and thrash it all out internally. This led to a very unsettled and moody weekend with a big cloud obstructing my outlook.

On Sunday I finally managed to compose an email to the employers and outline briefly my concern about being away from everything. They offered me a compromise of going out on a Monday and returning on a Friday. Also to possibly spend one week of each month based in Harare doing admin. This sounded like a feasible option, the only catch being I would have to get myself to and fro under my own transport. This is a problem as I currently share a second-hand golf with my Mum and this won't be possible. I'm going to have to think this through by tomorrow when I have a meeting with them.

I spent this morning in the garden cutting back some of the plants which have sprouted up with the heavy rains and become a bit unwieldy. It was a therapeutic time, with my dogs keeping me company and enjoying having me with them. It helped me rationalize things and get some perspective. This is a job well suited to what I'm  qualified to be doing. It will also be the first full-time job I've ever had which is something. At 30 I feel like all my contemporaries are rising up to promotional positions and advancing in life, whilst I am still struggling to make a basic go at things and just eking out on a minimal salary. The salary that I am finally being offered by the game park is not fantastic, but it is something and it is a job and possibly a really good one that I may regret not taking.

I went for coffee with a close friend yesterday and we discussed it a little. As she pointed out I do need to consider my mental health in all this and I have to make provision to be able to see my psychologist when needed. I haven't disclosed to the employers that I suffer from bipolar depression and I will have to see if I take  the job if and when I should tell them. When I have dips it might be hard going trying to continue as normal and keep up my work. I also won't have my key supporters around me to help me. They will be over an hour and halfs drive over a rough road to Harare.

Walking in my garden and pottering around with plants is my all time favourite occupation. At heart I'm really a botanist. If I could make a living which allowed me time to garden or possibly do something with gardening it might be something. Writing, doing art and gardening - that would be idyllic, but not sure that will pay the bills and it sounds more like a retirement option, not a high powered career plan. Perhaps though a stressful career is not something I should strive for all the time.

I need to weigh it all up, go with an outline of what are my terms and conditions to the meeting tomorrow and trust God that I am making the best decision with the outcome. We will see.