Rich in Time

With the approach to Christmas I am down to just one student, Runbo my 4 year old who I am taking every day. This suits me as it means I still get paid over Christmas and it gives me something to get up for everyday. Runbo continues to be obsessed with dinosaurs and his dinosaurus rex. I have been lent some dinosaur biscuit cutters to make biscuits with Runbo (see below) and I discovered a whole two shelves of books on dinosaurs at the library. I think I'm going to learn a lot about dinosaurs in the coming weeks.

I read Runbo a story about Father Christmas yesterday and I discovered he is a very astute four year old. I've never really thought of it this way but Runbo seemed very perturbed that a stranger was going to come into his house, even if he is bearing presents. He also looked at me very skeptically and said how was Father Christmas going to fit down his chimney. I replied well maybe with a bit of magic. Runbo retorted well why didn't Father Christmas just use the front door? Yes I suppose it would be much easier. To squash all further tales of Sant Claus Runbo announced that his daddy had said it was just a story. Well then, that was the end of that. Today we read Guiji Guiji about a crocodile who thinks he's a duck instead.

Have been trying to be supportive to three friends who are battling with severe depression at the moment. Realizing it is hard to know what to do and what to say at times and whether you're imposing too much. I do know what they're going through though and try think of what helped me but it is tricky. My depression support group meets for a year end get together on Saturday. It has grown since I first started it and people are beginning to share more.

Tomorrow I'm picking up a friend who is coming through from Bulawayo and we're going to brave Linquenda House, the immigration office, in town. The government has just changed how you get your permanent residency renewed. Up until now you could just waltz into immigration and present your passport and they would happily stamp it for the next year free of charge. Not so any longer, you now have to present your life story in the form of certificates and medical letters etc. to prove you have lived here all your life. You also have to cough up $100 and no, you can't pay in bond notes, you have to pay in US dollars cash or supposedly by bank card but conveniently the machines have been down the last week apparently. True this means you don't have to go into town every year - but it was free and much less hassle! OK rant over. We will see what tomorrow brings. I'm armed with a copy of The Girl on the Train to read in the queue.

If I survive till tomorrow evening, I'm going to a bring and share Christmas dinner with a friend's bible study group. I have just finished preparing roasted butternut and red peppers. Will hopefully enter into the Christmas spirit after a day at Linquenda House.

Asylum

Arriving at midnight to cold linoleum floors.

Long corridors of bolted doors

holding people, prisoners of their own minds

numb to everything or else incredibly raw inside.

Medication doled out to soothe internal pain

but the scars that are there will always remain.

Desperate cases with one last resort.

Can they be fixed or left to fall apart?

Dinosaurus Rex and Tea with the Nuns

This morning some of us on the Convent Old Girls committee took Christmas tea to the nuns at the House of Adoration in Emerald Hill. We arrived and set out tea but were waiting for the seniour school madrigals choir to arrive. When 10 o'clock came and went I phoned the school secretary Mrs Gatsi and she said no bus had been booked for the choir. She said she would follow up for me. In the meantime we went ahead and had tea and we sat at different tables with the sisters. There were some from my time at the convent who have now retired. One nun, Sr Loyola taught piano at Convent and she is now 103!

Tea over, the nuns started to disperse but suddenly a Convent bus came roaring into the car park and the madrigals came and sang four pieces. We were just thanking and saying goodbye to them when another Convent bus came into the grounds. Turns out the juniour school choir were coming too. One after another they came in and then got everyone into the festive spirit with Christmas carols. The nuns loved all of it and we got two choirs worth of entertainment for one morning when we had pretty much given up on having any.

Taught my four year old Runbo again this afternoon and we looked at a book on dinosaurs. He then proceeded to announce he was a dinosaurus rex and was going to eat me up. He is a bit torn though as to whether he would rather be a dinosaurus rex or a pterodactyl. I don't know that I knew what those were when I was four!

Oh, and on a different note, finally had a paper I worked on with Rosemary Groom and Craig Jackson on wild dogs and lions accepted for publication in Animal Conservation.

The 10 Commitments and Bond Notes

We have entered into an uncertain period in Zimbabwe (well I guess life is always uncertain here, but now a little bit more so) with the introduction of bond notes on Monday. Already there is a disparity in price for fuel, with the supposed 1:1 exchange with the US dollar not valid. Some people are saying one should stock up on essentials as the shops may not be able to continue importing things. The danger in this is if everyone does it, panic will set in and there will be shortages. The queues at the bank are horrific today as people try to get some cash out. It feels like one is living in a bubble that is about to burst any moment.

My library job came to an end last week but I have a new student, an Israeli IT specialist. He doesn't seem terribly interested in learning grammar but rather concentrating on pronunciation of English. A bit of a challenge but thank goodness for the internet and its resources. On Monday he referred to the 10 Commitments - I think he was joking. I continue with 4 year old Runbo who pretended he was going "out to the space" in a rocket made out of an upturned chair.

I was supposed to go help with painting with patients in the psychiatric unit at Parirenyatwa last week but we were told we had to get clearance from the head matron and sign forms saying we wouldn't press charges if we were attacked by the patients. I hadn't quite thought of that. We will try for the beginning of next year.

Fired by a four year old

Have now finished filling in as the librarian at Convent after 3 weeks. Went smoothly and I managed to get the hang of it alright. Will now need to fill my mornings but there is a possibility of some conservation work. Won't be paid but will be something to occupy me and will be nice to be using my educational background a bit.

Bond notes come out Monday. Been trying to suss out who will accept them. Take aways will but for my lithium and other medication which are all imports, only US dollars in cash will be taken. This is going to be a serious problem if my students' parents can't pay me in US. Not sure what we can expect with all of this but a bit apprehensive.

So about being fired by my four year old student Runbo last Friday. I went round as usual to give Runbo his English lesson. Half way through he decided he wanted to cut up one of his pictures from play school. When I said no, he looked at me and then just screamed blue murder. He went to his granny in the kitchen to tell her in Chinese what I had done and then not getting much sympathy from her picked up the phone and told me he was phoning his daddy to fire me. I tried not to laugh and was impressed he could say this in English (although I haven't taught him that). At the end of the lesson when I said would I see him on Monday, he replied, "Maybe not". I did go on Monday though and when I asked if I was still fired he just gave a wicked laugh - cheeky monkey!

I did a city tour for two visiting French travel agents on Sunday afternoon and evening. I had been looking up some vocab and trying to brush up on my French but I did slightly over esteem my level of fluency and it was a little embarrassing trying to scrounge around in my mind for words. They seemed nice people though and if I can maybe go to Alliance Franaiseçaise and practice a bit more it could be fun. We first drove through the city centre, then went up the Kopje and went to Mbare market (which incidentally doesn't really have curios as I thought, more traditional medicine). We went on to Avondale Flea Market and then as they fancied a traditional Zimbabwean meal I took them to Gava's.

We had  a trial run of having my depression support group on a Saturday morning and it got a bigger turn out. People said they preferred to keep it informal rather than having topics or speakers. I went and had tea with a teacher from my high school who had come and sat with me when I was in sick bay and listened when I first started experiencing depression in Form 3. She said she can see I've come a long way since then. Was interesting to hear that from someone who had known me back then and is only reconnecting with me now.

I went

So I did go in the end to my sister's wedding. It was not easy and the week's before I was in a lot of anguish. I did a lot of work on it with my therapist and decided not going would be worse. I had a few dips when I first got to England and felt excluded. I also had to psyche myself up to see some people. My sister then made an effort to include me and I think our relationship has improved. I can also now tell I had not previously been at all well mentally.

This week I've started working as the Convent seniour librarian for three weeks. I went in to be briefed on Monday and it seemed like a lot but thankfully today was quite quiet and I could find my way slowly. My instructions even include what to do should there be a riot or bomb scares, with the riot including to close all the windows if there's tear gas. If bond notes come out this might be something I need to know, who knows.

As a committee member of the Convent Old Girls Association I am helping with the annual old girls lunch on Saturday at Alo Alo. On Sunday another friend is getting married at Wild Geese and next month I'm organizing a friend's baby shower. There's a meeting on the water crisis in Harare and the wetlands tonight at 5.30 but unfortunately I'm teaching.

Art, Pizza and Farmers' Markets

My friend Lucy and I did our first trial run of art at the Sorella's Pizzeria and Cafe this morning. We had one other person come and join us. We will try to get the word out more this coming week. It is a nice venue to hold it and the pizza, coffee and brownies are yummy. I've just been asked if I'd be willing to go do art with the patients at The Annexe at Parirenyatwa (the mental illness ward). From my own experience when I was in hospital in Switzerland and then here in Zim, art definitely helped and gave a channel for some of my inner turmoil to be let out, even when I was at my lowest point. I therefore would be willing to.

Another project my depression support group would like to work on is trying to help people who are suicidal. This came about after a friend in Switzerland contacted me and asked if I wanted to help on his project. His was more suited to the first world and was to design bridges and buildings that would prevent suicide attempts and run models to predict suicides. This is where support and awareness groups exist. In Zim we just don't really have any support or awareness and it is still such a taboo. My group wants to see if there is still a life line you can call and if not start one again. One person also said we could try tackle making mental health care more affordable as it is ridiculously expensive and so precludes the vast majority in Zimbabwe.

Otherwise to fill my mornings when I am not teaching I have been seeing friends for coffee and going round the Farmers' Market at Jam Tree yesterday. The market had all sorts of food products from Lebanese to almond flour. I overheard people saying they may need to make their own butter to sell as there seems to be a current shortage in the shops. Had a bit of a scare with my pharmacy this week as they now won't accept payment by bank cards. They said they can't pay for the import of drugs with bank transfers any more and have to pay cash. Another pharmacy would accept a debit card but am a bit worried about how long this will last. Cash is still really hard to come by in Zim currently. On a good note though, there seems to be a new private health facility that will take mental health patients. This means you are not faced with only the option of Parirenyatwa. Although I guess if we all had to go to Parirenyatwa it might be improved more quickly.

September

Saw my therapist again today and she stressed I need to take responsibility for things. It sometimes just doesn't feel like I can and I just feel like I'm drowning with no way out. She also said I've got to make up my mind if I'm going to England in a few weeks time or not. It is weighing on me heavily and I am not happy. Although my lithium dose has gone up I keep hitting big downs. It is not helped by the pressure of deciding and family politics. Friends of my Mum's have said they don't think I should write this blog. Other friends who also have bipolar say it helps them and it is stuff I would keep bottled inside. I don't really care. No one has to read this and if you do you can have your own opinion, it doesn't really faze me.

Finally watched The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. Stephen Fry is my hero.

Otherwise am fairly busy in the afternoons with tutoring and TEFL. Also now teach on Saturdays. I will in addition be doing my first tour guiding round Harare in French job in November on a Sunday luckily as I am filling in at the Convent as the head librarian for three weeks. Hoping to get some people to come to art at Sorella's on Friday mornings too.

Limbo and Stayaway

Harare is a bit of a political hot bed at the moment. You are not sure each day what it will bring. I've been driving my friend Xenoula out to Glen View high density area each morning and then picking her up from Epworth in the afternoon. In the mornings the police are out in full force but for a change they are not interested in spot fines on things like fire extinguishers and radio licences but are more concerned with mini bus taxis going into the city or back to the townships and all the people they are transporting. I say that, I did have to dig out my extinguisher and show my spare tyre in town on Enterprise Road later today, but they didn't press me further than those, unusual.

I saw my therapist again this morning and we talked on me being codependent on my mum, what I can do when I go to England to diffuse any possible blow ups with my sister and how to curve some of my paranoid thinking. I went on to my psychiatrist and he has upped my lithium dose which may stop some of the paranoia. I have a much longer wait with my new psychiatrist and I do miss the maximim of a ten minute wait with my other psych. She also dug deeper into things - my new doctor said I must simply refer to the prayer for serenity with my sister. A bit of a simplification.

The doctor today said I must come up with a daily time table for each hour so I have something to always do, particularly if the home school I've been working at doesn't reopen next week. He suggested I should come up with a concept paper for a research project I could do. He is an academic himself and after hearing I didn't finish my PhD he is a little obsessed that I return to academia. I am not so sure. I would rather maybe try write a book. On Monday though I did meet with someone and walk with them and my friend Xenoula along what I think is the Mukuvusi River that flows through Hillside Park. It's really polluted with plastic and other dumping and needs clearing out of invasive alien vegetation. It's a possible project - needs some funding though and some willing volunteers.

Photo courtesy of Xenoula

Photo courtesy of Xenoula

Found an article bpHope Magazine's blog had interesting. I did know what I was angry about but this bit fits pretty well - "Like it or not, anger can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. Just like depression and mania, anger is relatively common. In my opinion, it is one of the most destructive symptoms, as it relates to interacting with other people, especially friends and family.

Many people with bipolar disorder describe a feeling of abandonment by loved ones. This is an excellent example of how anger can be a very destructive symptom. Whether the anger pushes a person away or we are angry at someone who isn’t as prominent in our lives as we’d like, anger can rot a person from the inside out. Ignoring anger is foolish for anyone, but it is especially foolish for someone with bipolar disorder, given what is at stake. Unchecked anger can lead to self-harm, irreparable damage in close relationships, and, in rare cases, can lead to violence."

Riots and Across the Grasslands in Harare

Yesterday there were more demonstrations in Harare and for the first time when the riot police appeared people fought back. Unfortunately they proceeded to set cars alight and pillage shops and apparently the riot police retaliated by using water cannons to fire tear gas. Apparently there is a mass march tomorrow from the combined opposition political parties. I have a friend visiting from England who is doing a dance outreach project in Glen View and Epworth and today driving to Epworth we saw reserve police at every street corner on the outskirts of town and then lots of police road blocks heading out to Epworth. For a change the police were mostly interested in mini bus taxis and not other motorists and spot fines.

Since I last wrote I have seen a second psychiatrist and he has had me go get an MRI brain scan done and some blood work. He is not changing my main meds of lithium and venlorflaxen for the time being as he feels with spring my mood should lift and I may become manic if he does. He has taken me off benhexol though as he thinks it may cause memory loss and put me on something else. He is also talking about changing olazapine as it may be what makes me overweight.

I have been seeing my therapist twice a week and a couple of times with my Mum. I have to decide if I am going to my sister's wedding. I am still angry and it is a sore point. I find it difficult to say how I feel and my therapist says this is something I really need to work on.

Went to an art exhibition at The Studio in Borrowdale this evening featuring work by Vanessa Hounsell and David Chinyama. It's on till Sunday. Met some people involved in work with art galleries and there might be some work with them on running art workshops. My friend Lucy is keen to run art classes too and we have been offered space at Sorellas Pizzeria and Cafe. Contact me if you're interested. There is also some possible work being an arts and culture tour guide for in and around Harare. I need to brush up my French for it as it may be for French speakers.

If you're in Harare come to my friend Sharon Lee's short film premier next week titled "Across the Grasslands"
Harare screenings during IIFF 2016: -Sat 27 Aug, 2.30pm @ Stimulus Hub (cnr Fife Ave/7th Street) -Wed 31 Aug, 5.30pm @ Alliance Francaise -Thu 1 Sep, 3pm @ Rutendo Hall, Mufakose #SpreadTheWord

The threat of Parirenyatwa

My mum got back on Monday and I had to deal with the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had felt. I told her a cousin had said I must not make my demons hers and I must leave her alone. She didn't respond and then said she thought I had overreacted to everything and was just like my father. This caused me to get very angry and feel deeply hurt and I took a whole lot of paracetomol in my room. Hours later my Mum decided that I had better go to AMI as she read paracetomol could harm my liver. I was forced to keep drinking water and vomit up what I had swallowed but since it had been 6 hours I then had to go on a drip. The doctor in charge decided to give me a lecture on being irresponsible and hammered home that I was the same age as him. My mum in her turn told him it was all down to a skiing accident in Switzerland which is what she often reverts back to when she doesn't want to face my depression.

I had to stay overnight but was discharged to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday morning. She didn't buy that my two suicide attempts are due to not taking venlor for a week. Rather it is down to deep rooted issues with my mother and sister, linked to what my dad said and did as an untreated bipolar depressive. I saw my therapist on Wednesday and am seeing her again on Monday. It is more a question of dealing with my past than medication as there are deep seated things that when triggered cause me to react the way I do and medication won't fix that.

My psychiatrist has said that the only psychiatric facility available now that St Anne's Hospital has closed is Parirenyatwa's Annex for mental illness. If I do any other form of self harm I will have to be admitted there. It is a sobering thought and could be more hell. I have to keep structure to my day and keep busy.

Inner Pain

Applying a bandage to a still festering wound,
the pain is still there and is not gone so soon.
Words that cut deeply, feelings of reject,
past comments I now dissect.
Medication can't treat this, it goes way back,
how I was moulded and how I now react.
Raw and hurting, no easy cure.

Raw nerves

The lithium numbness ebbs and I feel once more.
Judgement and avoidance by others for bearing my soul.
Mixed feeling about your return, things have changed, that is for sure.
Some understand and give me grace, others pass comments that grate.
Is my depression defining me? It is hard to separate it from my feelings
and I am trapped in this disease.
To seek wellness but a reliance on pills for a chemical balance,
but grateful for those who support and don't reject or scorn.

Reconnection

Last Friday I tried to take an overdose of lithium. I had stopped taking my antidepressant Venlor the previous week as it was thought to possibly be a cause of me passing blood. The colonoscopy on Wednesday showed this not to be the case but I remained off Venlor. My Mum left for England on Thursday and my mood crumbled and on Friday I felt suicidal most of the day, culminating in taking a whole lot of pills that night on my own. I came round in an emergency room to friends and have spent this week with my friend Sharon.

My mood has been mercurial and feeling cut off I made a drastic decision of contacting my Dad whom I have not heard from since I was 13. I have been in contact with him this week via Whatsapp. This has also unsettled me a bit. My Dad is still not taking medication for bipolar and he is a bit volatile. He claims his manic phases make him highly creative.

I have not seen my psych yet but friends are urging me to get a second opinion on my meds. Apparently lithium is more for treating manic episodes than depressive ones. I get more of the latter. I did meet someone who also has bipolar who sees a psychiatrist I was suggested and they are on the same combo of drugs I'm on.

Right now my lithium seems to be kicking in again and I feel emotionally numb but deep down there is still a lot of pain there.

Elsewhere

You are elsewhere when I needed you here.
My innermost demons are once again near.
Although there are others I feel alone.
And to my tumultuous mind I am prone.
Sink or swim I'm told but to what can I hold?
I feel cut off and left to the abyss that is me.

Vacuum

Piece written jointly at Writing Group today with Jackie Collins, Lucy Tingay and Thea Cutler.

Manicured lawns and burgeoning gardens,
sprinklers sparkling in wintry sun.
The green caress and gin and tonics.
Our happiness bubbling over.
We forget the police road blocks
and the queues at the bank.
Drunk again on broken dreams
and promises unfulfilled in dust.

Strawberry Winter Moon

Hiking up the giant rock
to beat the sun to get to the top.
The bush quivers, dry and tawny.
Crisp blue skies are turning golden.

The ascent is steep
and on the horizon the sun does peep.
On lichen rock mounds we take our break
and on wood fire smoke our gaze does partake.

Harare's pollution smudges the sky
and below us the whale rock does lie.
The first stars prick our view
and soon the Milky Way is due.

It is the winter solstice and a full moon
which means it will take a strawberry hue.
The night deepens as we wait
and the chilly wind we can't escape.
Then up over yonder an orange slice
and rapidly the globe does arise,
an orb of light on this wintry night.