Back to square one

The job I have been doing has been stressful of late and I haven't been entirely happy with a number of things. Today I received an email saying that the organisation can no longer afford to keep me on. In a way this is a welcome release and means I can look for something else. It does mean however that I will be without a major source of income and I need to urgently find something in order to survive financially. I may have to just suck it up and put in to teach. Not sure how easy it's going to be to find teaching jobs though as most schools seem to have their full quota of teachers.

In the meantime I luckily have some consulting work to tide me over. I am facing a conflict in personal and work interests though in the jobs I have to do as they involve wetlands and proposals to build over them which goes against my fundamental opinion. Will have to try find a way round this and do what I can to protect the wetlands.

It is a bit scary suddenly not having a source of income again as work is very scarce in Zim and there is no social security to fall back on. I am exploring what avenues I can and trusting that there is something else out there.

Support network

With my depression I have often felt terribly alone and isolated. I find it hard to put into words my feelings and I don't often want to burden others or go on about negative things. I therefore tend to keep an awful lot internalised and only rarely when prodded tell others (mostly my therapist and psychologist). My chief "carer" or care giver is my Mum. Since the time when I broke down in Switzerland she has been there and has walked with me. I had a very good friend from my church in Switzerland who also helped me in my dark moments there and whom I still am in contact with. To both I owe an awful lot and in some ways without them I might have actually committed suicide by now.

My relationship with my Mum though is not easy. There are things I can't tell her and when I am low I don't really vocalise to her what is wrong. She has to sort of work round it but often misinterprets what my silences mean. She has also not fully come to terms with me having depression and will try to pin my downs to other things. The complications with my poor relationship with my Sister interweaves into this. My Mum always defends my Sister and it feels like she always takes her side. If my Mum doesn't accept my illness at times, my Sister absolutely shuns it, taking a very religious view that depression is of and from the devil. We do not see eye to eye on many things. This makes the return of my Sister every year from varsity a difficult period and it almost always has some form of fall out. My frustrations with this sometimes lead me to become very angry and at times even more isolated as it feels as if my Sister and my Mum become a unit and I am not a part of it. Living altogether is not a healthy environment and I am going to have to find some sort of solution should my Sister return to live in Zim.

At times I am now coping well and can be more independent. When I take a dip though I really need people to be there for me and I rely on my Mum heavily. It scares me a little to think how I would cope if my Mum died. I don't quite know yet how I would. Currently I am not only dependent on my Mum for emotional support, but am also beholden to her financially as I don't earn enough to fully support myself. I am trying to take on more work but it is a delicate tight rope, as when I get under a lot of pressure I crumble and feel I can't cope. I am trying to push my pressure limits little by little though and try to press on to regain my ability to work well under a healthy level of pressure and stress.

Being in Zim

I started reading the book "The Last Resort" last night. It kicks off with the farm invasions and murder of white farmers in 2000. Gosh that seems like a different life time ago and thinking back to the days of fuel shortages and lack of even the most basic commodities feels like we're talking about a different Zimbabwe to the one I am currently living in right now. Things have changed in many ways but I guess some of the underlying things are the same.

My writing group is starting again apparently so I have started a separate blog on life in Zim and coming home (http://wp.me/402gN if you're interested). I really would like to write more. I find it far easier to type away than I do to sit down and analyse statistics! Think I may have missed my calling somewhere along the line. There is a free online course from a university in Potsdam that I have signed up for on creative writing and story telling. I really would like to go into writing more and maybe try writing stories or, if I could try, a book maybe. We'll see. Feel a bit excited by the idea though and it is something that does appeal to me.

I would really like a more formal job that pays. I have been opting to go into school with my Mum as we have been having bad power outtages at home as the national electricity supplier ZESA keeps havign prolonged load shedding. This has been very frustrating and particularly bad again since elections. At school I work in the staff room. It does at least mean I see more people than I would sitting at home, but I do feel kind of spare part-ish and like I shouldn't really be here. I do at least sub from time to time at the school when needed so can semi-justify being here that way. The school does have lovely grounds and I love walking through them smelling the iceberg roses and observing the flambouyant peacocks fan their tails. I don't think I'd like teaching full time but if I had to, an international school would be what would appeal most. But being a teacher is not my first choice career wise as I feel I would very quickly feel like I was back at school too. Will see. If other work doesn't open up I may have to consider teaching full time as it is job security and a slightly better paid income.

I think part of my aversion to becoming a teacher is that teaching takes over my Mum's life. Earlier I said my Dad is a workaholic, well the same is true of my Mum. From early on we used to have to spend hours and hours waiting at school for my Mum and get home late as she would still be working and might have even stayed on working if it were not for the fact that security wanted to lock up. We used to have to go back to school with her even in the school holidays. Part of it was her never ending attempt to tidy up her classroom, but it was also often when she gave extra lessons to help towards paying the bills. School seemed to overrule our lives and still does. We seem to have always spent more time at school than at home. In a way it has felt like my Mum stays away from home to avoid having to deal with life issues there.

Morning pages

I wrote the following this morning at the creative arts group I belong to, which is currently working through the book "The Artist's Way". We had been told to collect images of things that we dream of and make an image file. From my pictures I wrote the following:

National Geographic attracted me and its images of photography, conservation and travel. This is what I dream of doing. A first step would be to get a decent camera to play with. Over the past week the idea of doing photo-journalism has become more and more appealing. I'd like to tell stories with photos and bring in an environmental element.

I'd like to go to remote, beautiful places but not for long lonely periods. I'd like to travel with work and see new places and really experience them. I'd like to meet new and interesting people along the way. I also taking a new delight in gardening with the breaking forth of summer. All the colours and bird song inspire me. I hope to make our garden at home more textured and interesting, particularly with succulents to conserve water. I love the different hues of the jacarandas, the pride of India and the roses though, even if they are all exotics.

Last night's home group discussion challenged me. We started a series on making and becoming disciples and we are following the Multiply literature on this. http://www.multiplymovement.com/ It scared me a little and made me realise I just call myself a Christian, but I'm not sure if I really follow Christ and if His ways are my ways. I get depressed and when I do I turn from faith and become super critical. I haven't been reading my bible for a while and have been in a dry and semi-dark place. This place doesn't see the point to life and what I'm supposed to do. Hopefully with this new challenge of what it really means to be a Christian and a re-think on what God's plan is for me, I will find a new purpose and grow. It will show me there is more to me being here than I think, and create a role and objectives for me to achieve.

The fact that I'm supposed to not only be a disciple, but also make disciples is a scary thought though.

'Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.'

This was today's bible verse I was sent (Psalm 73:23-24) and I guess my faith is something that helps to give purpose to life. Without it there really would be no point to anything. It is not easy though and I still don't see the big picture (does anyone?) It does give a reason for why I'm here and I hope that there is something specific I'm supposed to achieve. Success has been something I've grappled with for a long time. From an early age I was compelled to succeed and do well. I managed to get good grades at school and do well in my extramural activities. I did well when I went to university and won scholarships and bursaries. My first major failure was when I crumbled under my work load from my PhD and had to quit. I had never failed like that before and I am still not 100% over it. My fellow student doing a PhD alongside mine has just graduated and it is a reminder that I too could have been graduating now with a PhD if I had not had my cataclysmic collapse. There is always in the back of my mind the "what if" and "why".

With a friend of mine who also has bipolar depression I often joke about being the "crazy" ones. It is now semi accepted that bipolar is a condition that more people than your realize have. What is not so easy is the acceptance of someone who also can experience psychosis, which is what I have had at times. Since my massive melt down in Switzerland and my first return to Zimbabwe, I haven't really had any further bouts of psychosis since my medication has changed. It still scares me though that there is a possibility it could happen again and I will be left without a grasp of reality once more and really be "mad". I joke about the bipolar but madness and being crazy is a slightly more sensitive area for me and is something I feel vulnerable to. I don't think people accept really "crazy" people as readily and I have not really told people about my psychotic states or that I experience them. I feel they would not know how to deal with that and might judge me if they thought I was really crazy.

My Mum often tries to down play my depression and I'm not sure she has fully accepted that I have bipolar depression and that it is a condition. She knew my Dad was a "manic" depressive but in my case she puts a lot of what happened in Switzerland down to stress from a skiing accident. The skiing accident whilst scary was not the main cause of what happened subsequently. I had had depression prior to that and had been suicidal even when in Cape Town but had never told anyone. I had seen a doctor in Cape Town who had intimated that perhaps I needed psychological help but that was as far as I had gone and had never been fully diagnosed. Although Switzerland was a nightmare it at least led me to finally being medicated and set me on the path towards a more "normal" life. I guess that is one success that did come out of what in other ways was a massive failure.

 

Musings

I am feeling a bit disenchanted with statistics and disillusioned at how easy it is to change them and yet science places so much stock in them. I am feeling a pull towards the arts at the moment and less of an affinity to science. Today with my therapist I talked about how I make decisions and what guides me. A friend in Switzerland asked me a week ago to describe what kind of boat or ship I see myself as. She said, "If you like, you can write a few sentence and the title of the story is "I am a boat". I can't explain you more for the moment, but will give you after that some keys which you will understand (and I probably not, because it is your story)."

In response I wrote: If I were a boat I think I would be a little rowing boat, not a new flashy one but an older weather beaten one with the pain peeling but still used. I would be used for rowing on a lake and can fit about 6 people in it. At times people like to just sit in it and enjoy the view.

My friend's interpretation of what I wrote was this:

Rowing boat, that means, that it is by your own strength that you make things move. (Sailing boat means to be moved by circumstances, influence from outside). You are a "just do it" person. You decide it, you do it.

You think, you are a little rowing boat... but 6 people can fit in it - that means not that little. 

Do this people help to row or what are they doing?

Seems you like to work / undertake things in groups of about 6 people. You are relational.

Important that you not only row, but take time to just sit and enjoy the view - and if possible with friends. 

That's a beautiful work life balance. :-)

You are not new flashy, but life has been left it's marks... BUT you are still useful for what it was made for :-)

And the boat is in the lake, which is appropriate to it's size. So it does well know it's limits. 

I think you are a very beautiful boat and I can see your heart in it.

Other questions could be:

- When is this boat the most happy?

- Whom does this boat fear?

- Who fears that boat?

and as a final question:

Do I need to change something on my boat? And if so what? - And what does this mean for my own life?

 

Can you see a little bit of you in this? And for work it is good for you to know, that you can work independently, even though you love being in a group of approx 6 people. You are useful (want to have a purpose, not just look good). Important to have the balance between roawing (work) and relaxing and enjoying the view. Lake might stand for national (? I don't know about that one)

 

It is funny that she sees that as a rowing boat I decide where I am going. A lot of the time it doesn't feel like I do but I guess I take a long time over decisions when the decision is in my hands and I like to feel that I'm in control. With my relationship with my Mum and living back home again I don't feel like I'm neccessarily the one making the decisions. Also with work I don't always feel I'm doing what I really want to be. However some of my life choices have led me to where I am currently. I am not sure if I can make that many changes to my circumstances. The biggest way to change would be to leave Zim again. This is an option I always play with but whether it will happen is the question and whether it will be my own decision and my own choice is the question. My support network is strong here but in some ways for different things it feels my choices and opportunities here are limited.

 

Deciding what I really really want to do is a big issue. I may try go see a life coach and see her insights into what I'm best suited to doing. The problem is finding the job that meets my expectations, passions, qualifications and which at the end of the day gives me a liveable income, fulfillment and that I can get up for everyday feeling motivated for. Guess I have high expectations and am fussy.

 

“Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them.” ~A.A. Milne

My moods are greatly affected by the weather, this morning it was warm, bright and sunny and I felt an optimism and I felt alive with the spring time. I have just ventured out again and it has turned overcast and looks like it is building for a storm. Almost in reflection to this I am feeling unsettled from work and pressured from many sources. I wish my job could be more outdoors instead of sitting in front of a computer. I am lucky in that the various jobs I do are flexi and as I am not employed full time I am the master of how I use my time and when I take breaks. This is a blessing and a curse. In some ways I wish I had the structure of a full time single job. I would also like to have work colleagues I could interact with and bounce ideas off for challenges. Full time work though would not give me the liberty I have to go have coffee with someone if I want to or do some painting or writing when I feel the urge.

Work is hard to come by these days and I must be grateful I have some work. I do question at times though if it is really what I want to be doing. My Mum loves teaching and it is her life. It has been her life for as long as I remember and at times it takes over the rest of hers and my lives. When I was little she ran a preschool from home. At times I would get jealous as the other kids got so much of her attention and at the end of the day when I felt it was "my" time and her attention could finally be focused on me she was often tired and grumpy. Being the eldest child I think I was put out when my younger Sister came along and I had to share my Mum with her. My Dad once said to me that I was not a nice child until my Sister came along which has stuck and stung for many years and also increased my resentment towards my Sister.

I think the day my Sister was born is a memory that has also churned and burned within me for a very long time. I remember my Mum going off (to the hospital it turned out to have my Sister, but this was not explained to me). All the other kids in the play school were collected and it started to get dark but my Mum didn't come home. I went up to the room where the domestic help Mary stayed on our property. She didn't really say where my Mum was or what was going on. Eventually, very late in the evening my Dad came home and he too didn't really explain. My Parents' marriage at that point was already headed for disaster and so my whole world with my Mum felt threatened.

Part of me also is resentful that my Sister does not remember as much of my Parents' divorce and the fights and tension that went with it as I do. I always had to be the brave one, the one who didn't cry and the one who said it was all going to be alright. I had to be the one who had to pretend everything was normal and be there for my Mum. It was always me that my Mum would off burden to and it is always me who has to be the one who has to help contribute financially when we get into a predicament. I hate being the older sister and the one who is supposed to be grown up and deal with problems.

My Dad used to always push me to achieve in school and it used to feel like nothing I did was ever good enough. The ghost of my Dad still taunts me at times and drives me to be a perfectionist and feel what I have done is still not up to scratch. It is a ghost that is not laid to rest easily and I often feel I have to prove myself and go beyond what everyone else is doing. I think I inherited my Dad's tendency to be a workaholic and I definitely get my manic and depressive moods from him. There are traits I get from my Mum though too such as not addressing problems and covering them up.