Support network

With my depression I have often felt terribly alone and isolated. I find it hard to put into words my feelings and I don't often want to burden others or go on about negative things. I therefore tend to keep an awful lot internalised and only rarely when prodded tell others (mostly my therapist and psychologist). My chief "carer" or care giver is my Mum. Since the time when I broke down in Switzerland she has been there and has walked with me. I had a very good friend from my church in Switzerland who also helped me in my dark moments there and whom I still am in contact with. To both I owe an awful lot and in some ways without them I might have actually committed suicide by now.

My relationship with my Mum though is not easy. There are things I can't tell her and when I am low I don't really vocalise to her what is wrong. She has to sort of work round it but often misinterprets what my silences mean. She has also not fully come to terms with me having depression and will try to pin my downs to other things. The complications with my poor relationship with my Sister interweaves into this. My Mum always defends my Sister and it feels like she always takes her side. If my Mum doesn't accept my illness at times, my Sister absolutely shuns it, taking a very religious view that depression is of and from the devil. We do not see eye to eye on many things. This makes the return of my Sister every year from varsity a difficult period and it almost always has some form of fall out. My frustrations with this sometimes lead me to become very angry and at times even more isolated as it feels as if my Sister and my Mum become a unit and I am not a part of it. Living altogether is not a healthy environment and I am going to have to find some sort of solution should my Sister return to live in Zim.

At times I am now coping well and can be more independent. When I take a dip though I really need people to be there for me and I rely on my Mum heavily. It scares me a little to think how I would cope if my Mum died. I don't quite know yet how I would. Currently I am not only dependent on my Mum for emotional support, but am also beholden to her financially as I don't earn enough to fully support myself. I am trying to take on more work but it is a delicate tight rope, as when I get under a lot of pressure I crumble and feel I can't cope. I am trying to push my pressure limits little by little though and try to press on to regain my ability to work well under a healthy level of pressure and stress.