Memories

As part of my therapy I've been tasked with writing memories that are painful and getting down in words things I've kept inside. My Mum is a hoarder of note but there are artifacts from her life she won't go through and in order to create space in our home I have gone through boxes and boxes of loose papers, old bills, teaching materials, magazines, abandonned projects and much more. The back bedroom which was a junk hole was filled with things associated with my Parents' marriage. My Mum doesn't know that I had to go through piles and piles of documents relating to my Parents' divorce - painful affidavits detailing the abuse, unpredictability and damage my Father did. I haven't ever told my Mum I had to plough through all of this. It brought back painful memories reading through some of the material but in a way burning it on a bonfire was cathartic.

Another thing I find painful at times is looking at family photographs, especially those of my early childhood when my Parent's marriage was first disintegrating. From the facial expressions of my Parents I can detect strain in their marriage and some of the photos bring back memories of some of the last times my Parents were together and how I had to try and pretend things were normal and look happy and smile for the camera. I remember the period after those photos were taken when my Mum and I moved out and stayed with various friends and my Dad would suddenly show up where we were staying and things would become extremely tense and my Dad's presence would feel menacing. I remember moving from friend's house to friend's house and then occassionally staying with my paternal Grandparents, never knowing when my Dad might show up and hoping he wouldn't.

All of this is there in my memory but I only sometimes allow myself to think about it an it is usually photos which trigger me to think back.