I haven't been on here for a while but today I went to see my therapist Rona after quite a long gap. My session started out with me on what I thought was an even keel but some cutting questions brought to light things that simmer and pain me underneath the surface. The root cause is the unhealthy relationship I have between my Mother and Sister. Prodding and poking my therapist hit on raw nerves and some of the causes of resentments I have towards my Sister. At times my irritation and frustrations stem way way back to my childhood and my coping mechanisms from during my Parents' hostile divorce. I opened up to things I realise I have never talked about to anyone and have kept bottled within, poisoning me and my relations with my family today.
As a little girl my Mum used to always say whenever I had a problem or felt upset that I must always remember other people had worse problems than I did. Although this was supposed to make me feel better, it invariably made me feel that my Mum did not take what I had just said to heart and was making my problem seem insignificant and not worth talking about. To this day I still find it hard to share on my problems to others and tend to still keep them internalised.
My Parent's prolonged separation and eventual divorce was seared with violence and abuse and I was often caught in the crossfire and split loyalties. My Sister, due to her being three and a half years younger does not remember as much as I do and unlike me was not forced to try be an adult in an adults' cat fight. This is where some of my resentment starts and where there are wounds which have never healed.
I will be working through some of my past in the next coming weeks but I feel fragile as things that have never been spoken of or I have kept hidden deep down in the dark come to light after years of tight storage.
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