Thinking back ...

The topic for writing group this week is memories and funnily enough I have been thinking back to what I remember of times when I was decidedly psychotic. The earliest point when I would say I was definitely a bit off the rails mentally was in Form 3. I had taken on too much at school, had a nasty episode at the dentist and my Dad had been charged for attempted murder. All of this compounded and pushed me over the edge. I became extremely paranoid, aggressive, defensive and ultra sensitive. I also had panic attacks and became an insomniac. It eventually worked itself out but I was off school for well over a month and life was hell for not only me but also my family who had to live with me.

Psychosis made another visit before I started Lower Six and after not sleeping for 3 consecutive nights I spent the day at my Godmother's. To try make me sleep I was given a sleeping tablet but instead of inducing sleep I instead experienced hallucinations and came up with a confused theory in my head involving my Godmother and ended swearing at her and saying I never wished to see her ever again. It took a long time to try repair the damage I did with my utterances.

I was fine for the next couple of years until the rocky period leading up to and during the 2008 Zim elections. Being based in Cape Town I was not home and only got the international news of home where my family still was. It ended up that I was to fly to Switzerland a few days before the election and I had gone to the doctor as I was very uptight and couldn't sleep. She said perhaps I had depression but as I was flying to Switzerland there was not much that could be done. She advised I take rescue remedy with me as she couldn't put me on medication without being able to monitor me. Therefore armed with a bottle of rescue remedy I boarded the plane and flew thousands of miles away from home. This probably was not the best idea and I'm afraid my mental state deteriorated over the following week. I became aggressively patriotic and loud with the group of international students I was with and felt everything needed to be centered on Zimbabwe, as my thoughts were. I probably was very disruptive and hard to deal with. At one point I felt persecuted and paranoid and felt the others were all against me. As usual with these episodes, my old enemy of sleepless nights visited and made it worse.

Probably one of the worst cases I've had though was on my return to Zim from Switzerland. I had a cataclysmic psychotic episode whilst doing my PhD in Lausanne which made me quit my studies and where I felt I had let everyone down and brought me close to the brink of suicide. This made me get institutionalized for around two months, with a brief discharge followed by a re-admission. Ultimately deciding to return to Zimbabwe I had a horrific flight home where my deluded mind had me believing I was wanted internationally for having wasted my university's funds by quitting and that I was going to be arrested. I was extremely agitated and the journey was hellish. Getting home did nothing to relieve this and I felt judged and condemned by everyone. We only managed to see my doctor two days after returning and again I felt she was judging me and disapproving. When I was put in hospital in Harare I thought I was being convicted for my "crime" and that I was going to be interrogated. I also thought my Mum was going to be tortured and I got greatly caught up in thinking it was all political. When my Mum had to leave me I went into a panic thinking she would never come back and I ran out the hospital room and nearly had to be sedated and tied to my bed. That night I had the worst hallucinations I've ever had and tried to jump out the second floor window. Some of this was brought on by not having had any more of the medication I had been put on in Switzerland and the chemicals in my brain went ballistic.

I am indebted to my doctor and psychologist in Zim who has helped sort out my medication to avoid any further psychotic episodes to date and who has helped me come back to "normality". It has been a long journey and at times there are still distances to go. I just pray I never go back to some of the purgatory I've experienced in the past and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy.

Striving onwards

"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me"

The last couple of weeks have been challenging ones in many different ways. I lost the job that is my main source of income and then due to a conflict of personal interests and my not being happy from a moral perspective, I gave up another job which would have given me some finances. The work I am passionate about is there, but doesn't pay and is completely voluntary. In amongst this I have still been grappling with what it is that I truly want to do. All jobs seem to require you to be really good at something and you have to throw yourself into them with loads of self-confidence. I guess I lack the confidence to market myself and I would rather just work in the background.

Photo-journalism is something that appeals but I feel like I would have to be really really good to make it and that scares me. With more scientific things I feel I am not clever enough and that someone else would do a much better job. There is also huge competition in that for funding and you are constantly having to search for this. In many ways I wish I didn't have to work full time and have to have a job working for someone else. My ideal life would be to write when I feel like it, dabble in painting for enjoyment, be outdoors and maybe fit in a spot of gardening with my dogs by my side. 

So my quest continues and I still don't know exactly what it is that I really really want to do. The quote below really challenges me. It sort of goes back to the topic from the book "The Artist's Way", about living life in abundance and having faith to go after what you really want and not see things as out of your reach and too much to ask for.

Just coping

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling snowed under with work and commitments. I have been feeling depressed and at times slightly suicidal again. Two of my bosses are very demanding and just expect me to be at their beck and call at a moment's notice. The work I really enjoy doing is voluntary and so I have been having to do the other jobs first but have constantly been aware I have a number of things that need to get done pronto. Getting up in the morning has become harder and I've been struggling trying to see the point of it all.

At times like this I feel like I'm swimming under a layer of thick treacle and I'm struggling for each breath and the will to keep swimming. Just the simplest of things seem overwhelming and each day seems to just bring more worries and things I've got to deal with. A contributor to this is the uncertainty of what I will do once my one current job ends in December. Life seems precarious and I fret about it. I know I should just trust and try not to worry, but I do.

With these moods I don't really feel like seeing people at times and want to just pull away and sleep my life away. Dreams become vivid and at times I find it then hard to separate what is reality from what I have been dreaming. What I dream becomes entangled with my thoughts and worries and so it is hard to differentiate as it seems my brain doesn't stop working and it is just a continuum.

The one big comfort is spending time with my animals. Their unwavering affection and nonjudgmental love is always healing and time with them always leaves me feeling less stressed and anxious.

People have said that where I'm at lends itself to open opportunities and a new beginning. I have to just keep trusting and believing and looking at a variety of options of what I can do next.

My personal capital

Today was another session with my therapist and I talked about the latest happenings in my life and my stress levels. She said it is normal to feel anxious about becoming unemployed. One of the things that has been bothering me is if something were to happen to my Mum I really don't know how I would cope both emotionally and financially. She made me sit back and look at it objectively and see what my personal capital is. The first is that I have a degree and a brain. My big challenge is finding paying work though here in Zim for what I'm qualified for. This is an ongoing struggle. I guess it is a challenge for a lot of young people though as work is scarce. I have to be creative and be able to do a variety of things. The person interviewing me for possible teaching positions at a local school commented last Friday that I've had a checkered career. I don't know that this has been out of choice but more as a result of the Zimbabwean economic climate.

Another thing my therapist told me to focus on to quell my fears of being left destitute should my Mum pass away was my social network. I don't think I would want to ask people for help though. I find this very difficult. With my recent anxieties my therapist made me think about how I should tackle these. One of the key things was to tell someone. I don't do this readily and try to just go on even if I'm not coping. Part of it is that people will offer advice and this is not always helpful.

With my job search I keep questioning what it is that I really want to do and struggle to find jobs that will give me fulfillment. I came across this article titled

20-Year-Old Hunter S. Thompson’s Superb Advice on How to Find Your Purpose and Live a Meaningful Life

by Maria Popovawhich sums it up pretty much in what I constantly am grappling with. The things I'd love to do just don't pay. Finding purpose and doing what I'm truly passionate about are a big factor in ultimately making me happy and giving me something to get up in the morning for.

Travel bug

Besides a trip to Cape Town and then a day crossing to Chobe in Botswana I haven't ventured out of Zim this year. I have fitted in a fair bit of travel around Zim so for that I'm grateful. Am feeling in need of another adventure though and would love to hop on a plane and go off to somewhere new. Perhaps not on my own and possibly I'm not brave enough to go where I don't know a single other soul. All the same, to see somewhere new and to hopefully meet new, interesting people is a desire.


In a way, going just for a holiday seems like an expensive luxury. I would rather go for a reason and possibly to do something with it. Would then feel my savings were being maximized. The UK has an allure as there are many school friends there, some of whom I have not seen in some time now and also some family. But further afield than that also appeals ... to go off to Canada, the Antarctic (to see emperor penguins), South America, Australia ... I need a fat bank balance and some courage to do this, but it is a dream nonetheless.

Harare can feel comfortingly small and cosy and then stifling and claustrophobic at the same time. I miss Cape Town and living next to the ocean. I would give anything to have a beach readily on hand and be able to go and dig my feet in silky sea sand and watch the magnitude of the waves pummeling the shore. I also miss having mountains making up my skyline not to mention some of my friends that I had. There were lonely moments in Cape Town too though. I have got a big circle of friends now in Harare, although looking at it objectively not a large proportion of male friends (at least the one's I do have are practically all in relationships). As someone put it, we need to import eligible males into Harare from somewhere.

I guess I'm at a cross roads again on where I want to be. This is not made easy by the fact that as of yet I don't have a proper job for next year. I had an interview to teach this morning, but there aren't any immediate vacancies. I have put feelers out for other conservation/environmental work and have offered to volunteer for a project recycling things to generate incomes for HIV destitute women. I have also come up with a project with a friend to make a documentary on Harare's water crisis and wetlands. This will all keep me busy but not necessarily paid. Harare is an expensive place to live and there is no social benefit if you're unemployed.

Guess I just have to trust and keep exploring different options and be adaptable. As the interviewer this morning said, I've had a very varied career path to date. I supposed I'm looking for the main pathway now and need to cut my main career path.

Recovering a sense of abundance

Hosted our fortnightly creative group this morning and we delved into the chapter in the book "The Artist's Way" titled "Recovering a sense of abundance". It challenges me to give myself more time to do creative things. It is so easy to let work take over completely and to feel guilty when not working. Like others in the group I also need to get a balance. Tomorrow I have an invitation to go see the headmaster of one of the high schools in Harare possibly for a job teaching there. Am not sure if they have an actual vacancy or if it is just to discuss possibilities. I am trying to see if I can get anywhere with some other links to try stay in the environmental side. I don't know that I want to necessarily teach full time as I have mentioned before. I've still got to decide what I really want to do but the meeting this week on Harare's water crisis has reminded me that wetlands and water issues are really my passion. The issue of lack of water provision in Harare is a major problem and is something I would like to work on.

Went to visit my friend in hospital again today. It is the same clinic I've been admitted to once when I took an overdose of my sleeping tablets. I can't really remember much or how I got to the clinic after I took the tablets. I remember feeling helpless and thinking that taking my tablets all at one go was a way out. I can't recall much from after that. My Mum says I was ill on the way to the clinic and luckily got rid of all the pills that way. I just remember eventually waking up the next morning in a hospital.

That was the last time I've seriously tried to commit suicide. With the stress from my job recently I have had the odd fleeting contemplation when it all seemed overwhelming. The responsibility of my different commitments has prevented me and the thought of what it would do to my Mum. I eventually have managed to separate myself a bit from my work stress and to take a step back and see getting that stressed is just not worth it. I need things to be responsible for but they can weigh me down. It does make me put ending it all at bay though and make me consider things more.

With the chapter on recovering abundance, we discussed balancing work with play and use of time. I really need structure to my day and a reason to get up in the morning. Even if I have loads of time to possibly be creative I need to have a purpose for doing it and it needs to be for a given time. I haven't had time to paint as much as I'd like to. Getting a bit more time to do so is going to need a bit of work to keep me in balance and to give me an income. Still got to work this all out.

I remember ...

Clearing up my former bedroom of its paraphernalia I am reminded of different times of my life. More recently, the paintings I did whilst in hospital with severe depression in Switzerland. Some of the art looks slightly trippy with swirls of iridescent colour, similar to the disarray of chemicals in my mind. Others are starkly devoid of colour, reflecting the raw aching pain within that simply would not leave. Many show my indecision of whether to stay in Switzerland or return to Zimbabwe and the uncertainty I faced regarding Zimbabwe’s future and my return.

Dusting off my insect collection from when I took the entomology course in Cape Town, I am transported away to happier days, running around campus and in the Cedarburg with a butterfly net bug hunting. There is the elusive spider wasp, with its cellophane-like wings, then the punk-like disco-ball beetles, with their tufts of yellow or orange hairs on their carapace. Those were Elysian Fields for my soul and was a time when I was content with life.

I remember sitting in the chapel at school, trying to make sense of the fact that Lisa was gone. Paging through a nun’s bible and hymn book, looking for an answer, for solace, for reason. I did not find it that day. The song The Rose always takes me back to that day and your funeral as Chenai sang it to you and to our aching souls. Jacaranda season is another reminder. I imagine Lisa walking along the purple carpeted path through the playground and out the Herbert Chitepo Street Gate, where it is said she hailed a taxi to take her home to where she shot herself dead.