Sulpiride highs

Well I saw my psych again today and going over my weekend with her she reckons I was slightly hypomanic which could well tie in with my starting on sulpiride last week. It is the first time in a very long time I would have given my mood a ten out ten though and it felt good, so I am sad to let go of it. I was happily spending extravagantly though and there were a few other indicators of caution. I have to go for blood tests tomorrow and my doctor has said sulpiride would only be a temporary measure and I would need to make a switch in either my mood stabiliser - olanzapine to lamotrigine or bite the bullet and go on lithium.

I am a bit nervous of lithium as it has many side effects and if you ever want children you can't be on it and pregnant. My doctor does keep saying though it is the gold standard for bipolar and many people do well on it.

All this comes when I was starting to seriously think about the UK ticket and when I should go. If all goes well with the medication switch I could just make the end of summer before it starts turning grey and miserable. I think I would do better with sunshine than without but will just have to see. Guess it is one step at a time. It feels at times though like I'm a lab rat being fed different concoctions and it is all one giant brain experiment.

The crunch is my decision making as that is what invariably throws me into a spin and makes me over think. Am going to have to decide pretty soon what I'm doing about going to England and if it is just going to be a brief holiday or a working trip. Trouble is I invest too much into it and make it a weighty consideration.

On the work front here, my Czech lady bailed on me and so I need to make some business cards and try find other students. My grade 7 wrote her exam on Saturday and has cut back to just two lessons a week for now. Have found someone via Bambazonke though who wants art lessons which I'm quite excited about as it will make me do some art with them which would be good. They are a student with ZIVA - the Zimbabwe School of Vigital Arts, who wants to improve their art techniques.

Zimbabwean winter

This weekend turned into a very social one indeed. Went to the trashion show on Friday and then for dinner. Then yesterday went to a braai with friends followed by hosting a games night (well only Lucy and John ended up coming, but we had fun playing Bananagrams with my Mum). Today had church and served tea and then went to go see the newly opened Food Lovers Market at Borrowdale Village. Stopped by Freshlyground to say hello to John and Lucy who were having coffee there, and we were invited to another braai at Lucy's parents'. The weather has been lovely and sunny and not too chilly.

Am still having a bit of Facebook envy seeing people overseas' photos of visiting beautiful places and knowing I could have been over in Oxford right now. I do need to decide soon when I'm going to use my ticket. It is a semi love hate relationship with the UK. On the one hand I feel like I'm missing out still being in Zim but on the other I don't really want to leave Zim. Aaarrgh! Can be very undecided. The trip over would be just a working holiday but it would be a scouting as well to see if opportunities are better. Despite all its problems though here, I have a very good support network and for the time being whilst I'm still on BUPA, I have good medical facilities and doctors who really care and give of their best and with a vested interest.

Lots of people have been sending me the advert for a job going with WEZ here to be the administrator. As much as I'd love to am finding work in the environmental sector just doesn't give a liveable wage. I am better off giving extra lessons and that allows me more free time for writing, art and other interests. Am seriously considering though having a stand at the local Maarsdorp weekly market with herbs, plants and crafts possibly. I used to do quite a bit of crafty things and we have a guy who comes to our gate who is very creative and makes stuff. Could possibly try sell stuff for him. Will see.

Saw my therapist on Friday as I mentioned in my previous post and discussed with her how my medication feels at times like it deadens my emotions and I just don't get as passionate about things as I used to. Also affects my sense of time in a way, or maybe that's just getting older but my memory is not quite what it was. At least my short term memory.

Supposed to start with my Czech diplomat with English lessons tomorrow and resume again with my Grade 7 student.
Have a good week :)

Depression support group, therapy & morning market

Continuing on the high from yesterday. Didn't sleep that well last night but otherwise all really good. Saw my therapist this morning and we are seriously going to try and make a local support group for people with bipolar and other forms of depression. If you are interested get in touch and we will relay details of the first meeting. Have a friend who can offer input from a medical point of view and my therapist is willing to give input and we will seek out other speakers.

Went from therapy to the Amanzi morning food market. It is dangerous to walk around there with cash as there is so much on offer and lots of yummy delicacies. Got mushrooms, raspberries, baobab health bars, herbal teas and then some succulents and an azalea from the Amanzi nursery. Met up there with my friends Lucy and John and we had a cappuccino.

So altogether a good morning indeed. Have my final lesson with my student before her entrance exam for Arundel just now. Praying she gets in as they haven't applied for anywhere else - eeek. Then going to a trashion show tonight of recycled arty fashion at the German Society. Tomorrow there is another fair and then having a board games and soup evening.

And winter came ...

It has suddenly turned chill in Harare. I guess we really are in July. Some of the deciduous trees in our garden are look very bare but the poinsettias are in bloom and so is the lucky bean erythrina.

Luckily my mood is not affected so far by the weather. Met up with my friend Sharon today. I have tried to meet twice before but cancelled due to being in a dip. She has been extremely gracious and understanding but today we met and it was good to sit and have a good natter over warm cups of tea and dunking chockits. It did my mood a huge service, thank you Sharon :)

I started to take sulpiride again as recommended by Dr Landman at the Well Woman Clinic. At least this time I so far haven't reacted to it like I did last time. Don't know if it was the combo of meds last time but it made me feel like I was going to keel over when I stood up and I felt giddy and nauseous. But so far so good this time. I also have to go and get vitamin B jabs and am taking calmag with my oats each morning. Continuing to map my moods and symptoms along my menstrual cycle. Bit apprehensive for the week prior to my period as that's when I usually hit a low. Been more upbeat the last couple of weeks but it is due any time.

My regular grade 7 student writes her entrance exam for Arundel on Saturday. Am really praying she gets in as she hasn't applied anywhere else. Was worried that I would be looking for more work from next week as didn't think her family would want to continue after the exam but thankfully they do want her to continue which is good. I also will be teaching a Czech lady English from next week in the mornings which will give me a bigger income and a chance to use CELTA.

I wish there was a magic pill that would just make everything fine and "normal" immediately. Instead it's a slow process but hopefully will get there. Read a fascinating article in the New York Times talking about how the bacteria in your gut might influence your mood. You can take a look here.

Lazy Saturday

Having a lazy Saturday still in my pyjamas. Went for a scan at the Well Woman Clinic yesterday and all clear. Was rather uncomfortable waiting as had to have a full bladder and the doctor doing the ultrasound ran late. Sat there with my legs tightly crossed hoping it wouldn't be much longer. Have been given a prescription for vitamin B injections to try help stop my big mood swings. See my psych the week after this and she will be changing my mood stabilizer.

My one pupil writes her entrance exam for Arundel next Saturday. Will need to look for more students as she probably won't want lessons after that, hoping she gets in. I need to make some business cards for teaching English as a foreign language to drop off at the Chinese Embassy and other places. If I could try get some students that way it could be good. Need to decide when I am going to use my air ticket for the UK.

Took a personality test on this website called 16personalities. It was pretty close to how I would describe myself and funnily enough started with my favourite quote -

t doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It said career wise I should combine different interests and I don't fit in well in hierarchical structures. Also said I am good at communication and networking.

Wrote the intro to a story below. Sort of sums up some the things I have been thinking about. It is still a work in progress.

As she lay on the hospital bed knowing that her life would soon be entering its final chapter she thought back on the journey she had taken over her life. She reflected on the highs and the lows, the triumphs and the pitfalls. What had been important now stood out and it surprised her. It was not what she had expected. The key highlights had not been the predictable trends society strives for but instead she thought fondly of the quiet, less auspicious occasions. Profound moments in her spiritual life, gestures from friends that had been significant turning points, personal goals achieved and surpassed.

Life had not been as she would have predicted. There had been divergences from the norm and it had not gone according to plan. Her career had started and then ended after hardly beginning and she had had to reassess and start again. Where she had pictured herself at 30 had differed from where life had taken her and then again at 40 and 50. By that point she learnt not to plan too far ahead and to run with where life placed her.

In terms of regrets, she did not rue her decisions or chances she had missed as much as how she had spent her time and made the most of life’s circumstances. Her dreams had changed with age and position. Pleasure in life also changed its course and the small things in life took on more significance.

The Memory of Dust

Driving out of town on dusty roads edged by tawny grasses.
Farmlands once occupied, cultivated, not fields forgotten.
The deep red rich earth by oxen turned,
vegetables to feed a nation,
vistas to feed the soul.
The dust filled your nose and the creases of your clothes.
Before the rains it swirls in dust devils.

Better beginning

This week has kicked off to a better start. Saw my therapist, Rona, on Friday and worked through deciding on whether to take a job organising a wildlife quiz in August. Also how I can go about getting more students to tutor and try break into the new immigrant Chinese community to see if I can find students to teach English to. I have been to the Chinese Embassy and need to make some business cards.

I will have to decide when I am going to use my ticket to visit the UK. Am supposed to be changing my mood stabilising medication though so I need to see how that goes. A friend has a wedding beginning of August and I need to let them know by the end of the month if I will be there for it.

Applied for a job in Cape Town with ICLEI (local governments for sustainability). You are supposed to have a South African work visa if you are applying from outside but I applied any way. Have been asked to write an article on the current state of Harare's wetlands for the Environment Africa Greenline magazine and the Christian Counselling Centre may want some writers for their publication. I need to work on a writing piece for an art group I belong to that is meeting on Thursday. You are supposed to start from the end and work back. Some of the others are applying this to art and then photography.

Went out to Imire yesterday with my Half-Sister Mandee and her fiancé. Was a good day out and we saw baby Tafika.

Got to just take one day at a time and keep myself busy.