It's at this time in the evening when it gets really hard

Today was good in some ways. I saw friends and talked about other things and kept busy. Therapy though was brutal and I was forced to try see that my relationship is really over and face life without Matt. I just can't. We talked about how I manage this and the pain. When it gets to this time in the evening I really struggle and have thoughts of self harm. My therapist said this is my way of trying to make my emotional pain physical and my coping mechanism that needs to be broken. I think of cutting myself and it is all that I can do to not do this. Being in someone else's house does put some responsibility on me and prevents me to an extent but the urge is strong.

Rona, my therapist, said in some ways I have come a long way in how I deal with pain but it doesn't feel like it. She said I have to look for the hope. It is really hard to see any now that my sunshine has gone. People say it gets easier. Well it is bloody hard right now and I am struggling. I have never felt such pain.

This song speaks to me, but it doesn't feel well with my soul. I am floundering.

Trying to pick up the pieces

So many people have reached out to me in so many different ways and I am grateful to you all. I just swing between needing to see people and then needing time alone. The alone time though can lead to moments of despair, which is not always helpful but I kind of need to weep too. This break up feels like the hardest struggle I have had to date.

Just to throw a bit of extra drama in, my dad who is in the country currently, has started sending verbal abuse on whatsapp to me about my mum. So not needed right now. Have blocked him.

Today is fairly busy. Had to drive all the way out to the industrial sites to pick up payment for my Chinese student. Then promptly went and joined a petrol queue and bought a broom while I was in it. I am meeting a friend for lunch at Gava's just now and then going to another friend's before going to get medication to take down south and seeing my therapist Rona, who is back now. I reckon I will be a bit weepy again after seeing Rona. Tomorrow my former school teachers have invited me for tea as one of them is opening a coffee shop and is trying things out. Didn't make personal training yesterday, but will try go tomorrow. Friday is a little open. I might go see my former youth pastors' dad for a chat at the Base Church, need to summon up the courage to do it. People are coming over in the evening.

Am enjoying the house I am house sitting. It is light and airy and has lots of space, which is sort of what my soul needs. The cats and boerboels are very affectionate, although the one boerboel blotted her copy book this morning by jumping up at me with muddy paws, and she's a big dog!

Cape Town people if you're reading this, be great to meet up when I am down. I get there Sunday and should be around for at least 3 weeks.

About a Girl and units of time

I feel a bit like the character in the book About a Boy, who has endless hours to somehow fill and measures out his day in units. As much as I appreciate the school giving me a leave of absence, being busy and having structure and routine helped me hold things together and now I just have way too much alone time to sit and think - and that's not good, not good at all. Have dug out books to read from home, one of them The Power of Now and a few others. Will try do some art before I go to Cape Town and maybe might even pack some art stuff for there too. Meeting up with people for coffee but it all does still feel empty.

Am house sitting from now til Saturday. It is a beautifully designed house, with lots of light and a whole section of French doors that fold back so you have a massive doorway to the garden. I said I will take the boerboels for walks on the vlei. Just need to be careful though, as a few woman have been raped in the area. The kitchen is lovely open planned and spacious. In some ways it is good to have my own space, but in some ways I need to not spend too much time on my own. So if anyone wants to join me for dinner, shout.

A bit lost

It is a very strange feeling to suddenly have nothing to prepare or mark. As much as it might be a good idea to go to Cape Town and be away, not having structure and something I have to do each day is equally not a good thing. Routine keeps me sane and now it is gone. I might try go do some art with Sarah Fynn on Wednesday though perhaps and people have set up coffee dates with me. One mutual friend of Matt's and mine is doing his best to make sure I am out and about and not sitting at home in the evenings, which is sweet. There is just one person I would rather be spending my time with though and that is what hurts so bad. We did meet for coffee this morning but he didn't want to even hug which hurt.

I went to Arundel after and sat and chatted to Mrs Lobb who has been kindly checking in on me all week. She is collecting stuff for recycling. When I get back from Cape Town, there is a lot of stuff at home I can take to her.

Am a little spaced out on the higher dose of olanzapine and the sleeping tablet. I guess I would be feeling much more raw if I wasn't but it is disconcerting what medication can do to your outlook and mood. I might need to go back and touch base with my doctor before I go to Cape Town. The only bright side of the last visit was that I had lost quite a bit more weight.

A part of me wants to just be a hermit and hide from the world. Re-hashing what is happening can get painful. The danger is, if I become a real hermit I won't get out of bed and could sink into a really deep dark depression. Self harm thoughts are still there and I am hurting. People say with time it will get better. It just is incredibly painful and hard right now.

Tomorrow's my last day

I was called inot the head's classroom at lunchtime and told today could be my last day teaching. They feel I am close to a break down and said I should go down to Cape Town with my mum. I said I will finish revision with my class tomorrow and print exams. But tomorrow will be my last day. It all is a bit surreal and I hope I have a job to come back to next term.

I did go for personal training today, and Cara pushed me. Then had a milkshake with my friend Nina (on the way saw lovely cosmos and sunflowers) and have just had dinner with two guy friends at Jam Tree.

Feeling unsettled and it is the end of school routine which is good and bad all at the same time. Why did life have to get so complicated.

Censored

I am no longer allowed to blog about school, even though I haven't given the name of the school or the children's names. In a way it feels like they would also I rather didn't blog at all but blogging is what keeps me sane and allows me to express stuff I just can't say.

The medication is beginning to set in and I just feel numb and a zombie. Have to just put one heavy foot in front of the other and somehow drag myself along. It feels like I have lost the will to live now though and nothing excites me or is something to look forward to. I am still teetering on suicide and given an opportunity I may well down pills.

My mum has put off going this weekend. She will go the next week. A teacher at school yesterday said I should just go with her but I can't. At least my therapist Rona will be back next week but it is those dark moments at night and when I just am scraping my heart off the floor. My therapist said at least I am getting out of bed and going to work. The old Katy would not have managed that. But it is still incredibly hard, my ray of sunshine has gone and I am left with the dark, cold reality.

I offended Facebook

My post about fighting the urge to down a whole bottle of paracetamol has apparently offended Facebook and they have removed it. Thank you for the barrage of support. I am afraid though, I did go to the supermarket and try to buy a jar of pills. It was only a little old lady standing in front of me who suddenly reached out and was incredibly kind to me, that stopped me. I would have done it otherwise.

I am still in a fragile space and all morning tears were just behind my eyelids. I am going to try go back and see my psychiatrist and try skype my therapist Rona again. I do need help. My friend Nina really wants me to go stay with her, especially when my mum goes on Sunday. Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other but staying on my own is maybe not going to be a good idea when my mum goes. My mum is now thinking she should defer her treatment but she really can't. Everything has come to a head at once and I am trying to muster up strength that just doesn't feel like it is there.

The only plus today - my angry mother of a student backed down and was civil and listened. I actually told her that I also struggle with depression and anxiety and this mollified her. Small mercies.

Hopefully this doesn't also offend Facebook - there are many other things on it that I think people can get more upset about.