The fear and exhilaration of mania

In my own personal experiences of bipolar so far, my life with the disease has been punctuated more frequently with the depressive side of manic depression, with fewer of its namesake's manic episodes. The depressive intervals have often been pain-filled and difficult, lasting from a couple of days to weeks on end. In comparison, my manic moments have been just that, more momentary and fleeting. I am wary of them as often they have included psychosis, and I often ascend during them to a dangerous precipice from which I then fall into what have been my deepest pits of depression.

Looking back, my major manic episodes have been cataclysmic. During my teenage years however they were untreated and not recognised for what they were. My family doctor at the time put it down to hormones and felt I was over reacting. They have often made me feel at my most creative but also made me a danger to myself and made my behaviours seem exceedingly odd to others. Often occurring at major stress periods in my life, I can now retrospectively see that they were most probably triggered by this. Embarrassed by what I have done in past mania, I currently anticipate them with dread and any indication that I am becoming slightly manic makes me anxious. Like many other manic depressives however, I do feel at my wittiest, most creative and most exhiairated during these times. I do know now though that I am also at my most dangerous as in the past these highs have then been followed by suicidal lows.

To prevent myself from becoming manic there are some preemptive steps I can take. One of the most important is getting enough sleep. Insomnia is one of the biggest tipping factors for me and making sure I keep what my doctor calls "sleep hygiene" is of utmost importance. Another key is making sure I take my medication, which is important for all depressives. I keep track of my moods and try to monitor when I am becoming manic, however there is a danger in this, in that one can be overly sensitive and fail to live in the moment and enjoy life's natural highs. I often have my best ideas and trains of thought when feeling upbeat and optimistic during these highs. At the end of the day I guess it is all about keeping balanced.

Possibilities and reflections

Well in many ways I have come a long way since a year ago, and even further since the year before that ... yes time has moved on but mentally and emotionally in so many ways I have too. This has not been an easy road, and I would not wish depression on any one. But with the love and support of my family, friends, doctor and therapist I have made significant steps up the mountain towards leading a normal life whilst having bipolar depression. Don't get me wrong, I have not conquered it completely and this does not mean I don't still have debilitatingly down days, but with medication and with strategies that I have developed at length with my therapist I am able to look at it objectively and take preemptive steps to try not to descend too far down the spiralling whirl pool of despair.


One of the things I tend to do which does not help me is isolate myself when feeling down. Whilst it is hard to socialise or try find the energy to engage when low, and often I feel I am exceedingly dull company and completely anti-social, hiding away and avoiding people is probably one of the worst things one could do. On some days when low, just getting out of bed in the morning is a mammoth task and one has to summon up a great deal of courage to do this. Finding something that I have to do and get up for everyday has become an important thing on my to-do list to try curb this and prevent slipping into an ocean of despair.

But onto more positive things ... Whilst I am still not completely back to where I once was career and life path-wise, I am buidling my contacts and doing some meaningful things. My passion for the protection of the environment has come to the fore and I am currently running with trying to fight against the destruction of the Mana Pools area in Zimbabwe, which is threatened with plans for mineral prospecting and large scale tourist resorts which could threaten this precious wilderness. I am also protesting against the development plans for a mall on a wetland area which is related to one of my primary interests which is wetland ecology. So am being kept busy which is good, as when I have too much time and no sense of purpose this can lead me downhill.

So guess what I am trying to say in this post is that, like the old adage, you don't climb a mountain in a day but with each day you slowly ascend to new levels, all the while seeing how far you have come and looking ahead with the challenge of what is still to come. However to not be defeated by what you still have to climb, but taking it one step at a time.

Climate change in action

Sitting simmering in a sultry sauna I am taking stock of where I am. Decisions loom before me once more which are always my personal nemesis as I have to be one of the most indecisive people I know and I tend to invest a lot of unnecessary energy into my humming and ha-ing. At the moment I feel like a bird that has had its wings clipped but which is yearning to fly free once more. The trouble is I don't know where exactly it is I want to fly to. I also have a rather foggy idea about what it is I really and truly want to do. A part of me is almost tempted to sign up to study all over again but something completely different. But studying comes at a certain cost and there is freedom in having a 9 till 5 job. Such are my ponderings.

With regards to my diagnosis of possibly being bipolar I am being challenged to not think of this as a handicap. At times this is easier said than done. As there are no physical symptoms at times it feels like an imaginary condition and not plausible but in the depths of despair it can be very real and haunting. The concept of having to be put on lithium is an obstacle. On the one hand if it were to help then it would be a relief but there are issues in my life such as my frustrations in decision making which will not be solved by this. I have also heard both encouraging and frightening tales of others who have taken it. How will I react if I do end up on it?

Apart from these sombre musings I keep myself busy if I can. Teaching is a necessary occupation for the moment but I am not sure if this is what I want to devote the rest of my life to. I have been challenged to instead maybe launch my own self-employment project as the vague job specifications I have formulated are not providing a job in hand.

Retrospective

A year on and I feel I have moved on with a considerably big stride. Quite where to and where my path is headed I'm uncertain, but guess noone knows that really. I am still dipping my bucket into different ventures without having a clear idea of what tank I'm filling or where this is leading but for the moment it keeps me occuppied and makes me have less empty spaces of time to fill and sit and think too much in.

Today in particular I am feeling a bit restless and can't settle to anything. There are a number of possible PhD options going but I am undecided on whether I want to pick up the academic baton again and try run with it once more. The jobs I am doing right now are interesting but not bread-winning. I shy away from the idea of teaching full time but environmental work just doesn't seem to pay here right now.

Well, will see what happens, but am realising I need to take a leap of faith some time soon and take a step forward into the unknown void and make a splash.

"Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better" Albert Einstein

Am having a laid back Saturday morning savouring the dappled patches of wintry sunshine outside and a leisurely pace to life. Sometimes it is healing to sit back and see the daisies and fully appreciate the moment. Have been dabbling in different things ranging from researching community conservation efforts in far flung Guyana to investigating the ethnoarchaeology of Papua New Guinean and African art and artifacts. This is in a way allowing me to tentatively explore new things but within a safety net. At times it is frustrating that I am not fully employed but at others it is good to have space to explore and rediscover what makes me tick and drives my passion.

Since my illness I have been grappling with the concept of reality and how one's thinking influences one's perception of the world, the people in it and one's own place within the world. With internet one now can live very much in a virtual world and one is bombarded by others' opinions and constructions of reality. That is why stepping out into nature, being surrounded by the raw, rough and at times harsh physical reality can be important to one's soul and sense of identity. Relating to other people and the way your circle of acquaintances think then imparts philosophies and emotions onto your psyche and this is also an interesting conundrum. Would one think in the way one does if one did not associate with the people one does?

Well some thoughts to throw into the pool of contemplation and the ripples of these thought waves to mull over.

La vie est comme une boite de chocolat ...

Well I'm taking a step towards trying to write. Will see how this goes and how long the flavour of creativity lasts. So, this finds me back in Zimbabwe and trying to make another go at life after a bout of serious depression. It has been a bit of a U-turn from what I thought I would be doing. I had my future all planned out but then had a massive spanner thrown into the works. Goes to show you shouldn't get too far ahead of yourself, you don't know what is waiting just around the corner.

I am a bit more apathetic than I used to be, the passion I had for things has sort of fizzled out a bit. A bit like a fire cracker thrown into a big rain puddle. Right now I feel like I have been handed a different canvas to paint on and I am trying to put the first brush strokes down after being told to try out a new art medium. It's a bit experimental and tentative.