Lazy Saturday

Having a lazy Saturday still in my pyjamas. Went for a scan at the Well Woman Clinic yesterday and all clear. Was rather uncomfortable waiting as had to have a full bladder and the doctor doing the ultrasound ran late. Sat there with my legs tightly crossed hoping it wouldn't be much longer. Have been given a prescription for vitamin B injections to try help stop my big mood swings. See my psych the week after this and she will be changing my mood stabilizer.

My one pupil writes her entrance exam for Arundel next Saturday. Will need to look for more students as she probably won't want lessons after that, hoping she gets in. I need to make some business cards for teaching English as a foreign language to drop off at the Chinese Embassy and other places. If I could try get some students that way it could be good. Need to decide when I am going to use my air ticket for the UK.

Took a personality test on this website called 16personalities. It was pretty close to how I would describe myself and funnily enough started with my favourite quote -

t doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It said career wise I should combine different interests and I don't fit in well in hierarchical structures. Also said I am good at communication and networking.

Wrote the intro to a story below. Sort of sums up some the things I have been thinking about. It is still a work in progress.

As she lay on the hospital bed knowing that her life would soon be entering its final chapter she thought back on the journey she had taken over her life. She reflected on the highs and the lows, the triumphs and the pitfalls. What had been important now stood out and it surprised her. It was not what she had expected. The key highlights had not been the predictable trends society strives for but instead she thought fondly of the quiet, less auspicious occasions. Profound moments in her spiritual life, gestures from friends that had been significant turning points, personal goals achieved and surpassed.

Life had not been as she would have predicted. There had been divergences from the norm and it had not gone according to plan. Her career had started and then ended after hardly beginning and she had had to reassess and start again. Where she had pictured herself at 30 had differed from where life had taken her and then again at 40 and 50. By that point she learnt not to plan too far ahead and to run with where life placed her.

In terms of regrets, she did not rue her decisions or chances she had missed as much as how she had spent her time and made the most of life’s circumstances. Her dreams had changed with age and position. Pleasure in life also changed its course and the small things in life took on more significance.

The Memory of Dust

Driving out of town on dusty roads edged by tawny grasses.
Farmlands once occupied, cultivated, not fields forgotten.
The deep red rich earth by oxen turned,
vegetables to feed a nation,
vistas to feed the soul.
The dust filled your nose and the creases of your clothes.
Before the rains it swirls in dust devils.

Better beginning

This week has kicked off to a better start. Saw my therapist, Rona, on Friday and worked through deciding on whether to take a job organising a wildlife quiz in August. Also how I can go about getting more students to tutor and try break into the new immigrant Chinese community to see if I can find students to teach English to. I have been to the Chinese Embassy and need to make some business cards.

I will have to decide when I am going to use my ticket to visit the UK. Am supposed to be changing my mood stabilising medication though so I need to see how that goes. A friend has a wedding beginning of August and I need to let them know by the end of the month if I will be there for it.

Applied for a job in Cape Town with ICLEI (local governments for sustainability). You are supposed to have a South African work visa if you are applying from outside but I applied any way. Have been asked to write an article on the current state of Harare's wetlands for the Environment Africa Greenline magazine and the Christian Counselling Centre may want some writers for their publication. I need to work on a writing piece for an art group I belong to that is meeting on Thursday. You are supposed to start from the end and work back. Some of the others are applying this to art and then photography.

Went out to Imire yesterday with my Half-Sister Mandee and her fiancé. Was a good day out and we saw baby Tafika.

Got to just take one day at a time and keep myself busy.

The in between

Feeling a bit in limbo at the moment and need to decide whether to commit to a part time job organising a wildlife quiz for schools in August. I went to the Well Woman Clinic yesterday and it is not as simple as I had hoped. I have to plot my moods for the next 3 months and see if there is a significant pattern and make minor adjustments to my meds in between if needed.

Suffering a bit from Facebook envy as everyone else seems to have it all together and are making something of their lives. Am not feeling like I'm achieving much of anything right now and one day just seems to disappear into the next with no sense of purpose. Altogether at a bit of a low ebb.

Mood stabilizer

Well I saw my psych today and discussed things with her. She is increasing my current mood stabiliser elanzapine and I am going to then be put on lamotrigine. She does not want to change my anti-depressants as it could make me become manic. I am booked to go to the Well Woman Clinic next Wednesday to get them to also assess my mood swings around my menstrual cycle.

My doctor did say that some of it has been circumstantial and I need to work through that. The thought of going overseas for a longer period and decisions about my future may have been strong contributing factors. Went past Emirates on my way home and I'll have till next March to use my ticket. For the moment I need to just focus on getting my moods more stable.

I did go past the Chinese Embassy too to see if I can get some more students to use my CELTA. Got an email yesterday saying my certificate for CELTA has finally come through. There is also the possibility of doing a bit of relief biology teaching at Hellenic.

With the whole question of how much is my meds and how much was circumstances I found the following TED Talk by Neel Burton titled "The anatomy of melancholy - can depression be good for you?" interesting.

Helen Teede's "We grow accustomed to the dark" Exhibition

Went to the very talented Helen Teede's exhibition at Amanzi on Friday. She dabbles in all sorts of mediums and I love her exploration of words and poetry through her art. Her choice of poems resounded with me. Here are two of her pieces and the poems with them.

Emily Dickinson

We grow accustomed to the Dark -
When Light is put away -
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Good bye -

A Moment - We Uncertain step
For newness of the night -
Then - fit our Vision to the Dark -
And meet the Road - erect -

And so of larger - Darknesses -
Those Evenings of the Brain -
When not a Moon disclose a sign -
Or Star - come out - within -

The Bravest - grope a little -
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead -
But as they learn to see -

Either the Darkness alters -
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight -
And Life steps almost straight.

Spring is like a perhaps hand
(which comes carefully
out of Nowhere)arranging
a window,into which people look(while
people stare
arranging and changing placing
carefully there a strange
thing and a known thing here)and

changing everything carefully

spring is like a perhaps
Hand in a window
(carefully to
and from moving New and
Old things,while
people stare carefully
moving a perhaps
fraction of flower here placing
an inch of air there)and

without breaking anything.

  e.e.cummings

Faith and Fear

Tomorrow I see my psychologist at 9 to discuss my medication. I would like it to be reviewed or to be allowed to get a second opinion. Am in a good place right now but am hoping the post-menstrual dip I seem to keep getting isn't about to hit again. If I have to change the medication I am on I am hoping it won't mean a big change and hospitalisation but I guess if it could help me stabilise it could be worth it.

Had coffee with a friend who has been really supportive of me today and chatted about faith and depression a bit. Would still like to form a depression support group for others who also have faced similar challenges. 

Found the below article by Reinhard Bonke food for thought. Thinking a lot about faith.

Part 2 - Analysis of Sin

This Bible study has been taken from chapter 22 of FAITH THE LINK WITH GOD'S POWER

Sin in Scripture is tied to unbelief. When we have no faith in God, we have no fear of God. Unless we fear God, we will certainly be sinful. If God is treated with contempt, His judgments and holiness will be mocked. No belief in God means no restraint on evil. The cause of any major rise in crime is the loss of belief in the judgment of God. That is the ultimate sanction. Abraham went to Gerar and said, “Surely the fear of God is not in this place” (Genesis 20:11). So he was afraid they would kill him to take his wife. If we scorn God’s power and greatness, we deprive ourselves. God has shown us what He is, not just so we will say, “Aren’t you wonderful God!” It is not to impress us but to bless us. This is what He is toward us. Unbelief cuts the power off. Paul said that he prayed constantly for the Ephesians so this would not happen. “I pray the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know…the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe” (Ephesians 1:1819). Nobody adds anything to his or her life by unbelief. It is a dead negative. Faith particularly acts against the fears that populate the future and cause a thousand other fears to haunt us. We either fear God or we fear everything else. Without faith, people turn everywhere for assurance, even in the most useless and pathetic directions. People turn even to the quiet stars, study­ing the signs of the Zodiac, looking for signs of good luck, casting around like shipwrecked mariners for a rock on which to cling. Isaiah observed all this nearly three thousand years ago and said, “And when they say to you, ‘Seek those who are mediums and wizards, who whisper and mutter,’ should not a people seek their God? Should they seek the dead on behalf of the living?” (Isaiah 8:19) The man who fears God fears nothing. This is what the Lord says, “Do not learn the way of the Gentiles; do not be dismayed at the signs of heaven, for the Gentiles are dismayed at them” (Jeremiah 10:2). We recognize God in all His awesome greatness and His power to save us, and nothing has greater power. Reinhard Bonnke

Good morning

Have been more social this week and had coffee with lots of friends. Some of you may have noticed I've been on Facebook more - it is an indicator of my mental health as you don't hear from me when I'm down but when I get more upbeat or verging on manic you get bombarded.

This morning I saw my therapist Rona and it was a good session. Focused on what my plans are now and what I can do to be proactive and try get more work. Also about the possibility of changing my meds and getting a second psychological assessment. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday.

I went from therapy on to the Amanzi Food Market and wandered around and chatted to people. All sorts of interesting things from baobab jam to nuts and raspberries, yum. Then went past Convent to try get an application form for high school for my remedial student. She has left it too late though as the entrance exam is tomorrow. I did tell her parents to get a move on. I chatted to Mrs Glover the headmistress and put my name in for any subbing that might come up.

Then headed back into Mount Pleasant and splurged on some winter plants for the garden. Went for pretty pinks, with daisies, petunias, hypoestes and a cyclamen for my Mum. Chatted to my friend Adriana's Mum who works in a pottery shop in Arundel.

All in all am doing better and in a better space. Just need to keep myself busy and maybe find a bit more work. Tuesday will determine the way forward with my meds so I await that. Had conversations with two different people who don't really see that I need to be on medication and that my depression is an illness. Wish more people could understand that it is not just moods and over thinking but a condition of lack of chemicals going to areas of your brain. If you were a diabetic you wouldn't not take insulin. It is the same with being bipolar - you need serotonin. Philosophy and praying may help but you still need to take steps to be treated medically and change the way your brain thinks at times. I do overthink at times I know - in Shona the word for depression means thinking too much - it is an illness.

A friend shared a blog on Facebook called Becoming Minimalist. Have found some great reading in there.

Monavale Vlei

Those of you who know me will know I am passionate about conservation and the protection of wetlands in particular. The vlei or wetland in front of where I live in Milton Park is now under threat. Further along it is an official RAMSAR site and there are plans to build high rise flats there (on a RAMSAR site!!)

Please go to AVAAZ and sign the following petition and spread the word.
Thanks

Objections to the proposed construction of 160 cluster house units on Meadows of Monavale Extension, in the Monavale Vleis, Monavale, Harare

Harare`s Wetlands are land areas that are seasonally saturated or flooded with water. In the dry season they may appear devoid of water but actually, the water is not far from the surface. Humans often equate wetlands with wasteland; a place to be drained, filled in, burnt off and re-purposed. In fact, scientific studies show that 64 % of the world’s wetlands have disappeared since 1900. Measured against 1700, an estimated 87 % have been lost.

Wetlands are essential to sustainable development for the human race and we thereby object to any development on Monavale Vlei for the following reasons:

1. The said stand is in wetlands as defined in Section 2 of Environmental Management Act

20:27.

2. Section 113, Subsection 2, of the same act places restrictions of developments on

wetlands.

3. Monavale Vlei is a Ramsar site. The Convention on Wetlands of International

Importance, commonly known as the Ramsar Convention, is a global intergovernmental

treaty that provides the framework for national action and international cooperation for

the conservation and wise use of wetlands and their resources.

4. Wetlands ensure fresh water for all of us. Less than 3 % of the world’s water is fresh, and

most of that is frozen. Yet every human requires 20-50 litres of water a day for basic

drinking, cooking and cleaning.

5. Wetlands provide our water needs and help replenish the groundwater aquifers that

are the source of fresh water for Harare. Water supply in Harare is already critical,

if Harare`s wetlands are destroyed our water source will be seriously compromised.

6. Wetlands purify and filter harmful waste from water – free of charge. Some of the

pollutants from pesticides, industry and mining, including heavy metals and toxins are

absorbed by wetland sediments, plants and marine life.

7. Wet grasslands act as natural sponges, absorbing rainfall, creating wide surface pools and

reducing floods. This storage capacity also helps safeguard against drought.

8. Wetlands are essential for many endemic amphibians and reptiles, as well as for bird

breeding and migration. The destruction of our wetlands would affect global bird

populations.

Ups and downs

Well if I had gone overseas I would be in France right now. There is a part of me that regrets not going and wonders if I should have just stepped out in faith that I could do it. I don't know though that I would have been able to have taught biology, maths, science and English to non-English speakers everyday and coped with the work load. It would have amounted to 8 hours of teaching a day with each lesson being 2 hours long. In some ways the other job I had been offered where I would have taught English only in the mornings and then gone on excursions with the students in the afternoons would have been more manageable and realistic. Taking on English for academic and specific purposes was ambitious of me when I had only just done CELTA.

I have contacted my psychologist and trying to get an appointment. Will see my therapist this week on Friday. I want to have my anti-depressants reviewed as I am getting more and more frequent big dips. My psychologist is reluctant to change my medication. I may try get permission to get a second opinion from a psychologist friends of mine go to. Changing meds will be quite a big thing as will have to be weaned off what I'm currently on. Might mean I have to go into hospital again which I don't really want but if it means my moods can stabilise and I don't have to face such desperate lows it may be worth it.

Here are a whole bunch of quotes I found that I can relate to.