Glorious sunshine

Today has been beautifully sunny and warm. Zimbabwe winter really takes some beating. Am feeling upbeat and positive and it has been a good weekend.

Have this song in my head from the conference I've been at this weekend. Had a good day yesterday and received more encouraging prophetic words. For those interested here's a link to Phil Wilthew speaking at his home church, the Kings Arms.

Someone suggested today that I should maybe try writing an autobiographical book. Could combine a bit of my writing with it and photography and art perhaps. The friend who suggested it is a writer and has just come back from a creative writing course in Vermont specialising on writing for children.

I also met a lady at an art exhibition this afternoon who teaches TOEFL English in Oman. She gave me some pointers and am going to have coffee with her. She said the Oxford job did sound like a bit of a gambit for a beginner and I should look to get experience with my CELTA at a simpler level first to build up confidence. Was reassuring and she gave me some good advice.

Am energised after the Heaven Touches Earth conference and have been challenged to try and be a brighter light to others. Would like to try make my writing an encouragement to those who also suffer from depression.

My grade 7 student didn't unfortunately get into Arundel. Her parents have decided to home school her instead and I might teach her next year. Will be a challenge but had a good chat with two mums who are home schooling and they had lots of exciting ideas. The method of education is changing and with technology you need to be creative and be open to new approaches. Definitely a challenge.

A Good Friday

Day 3 of lithium and apart from nausea on the second night, so far so good. Today has been a high mood rating. Taught art this morning which went well and then went for coffee with my Mum at the new Veldemeers Belgian Chocolate Cafe. Had a yummy hazelnut latte macchiato. Whilst there had the possibility of another student to tutor. From there went to the Fight or Flight exhibition at The Studio on Beeston Close in Borrowdale. Some lovely things and art and a fascinating fabric journal by the Mavros Family.

yummy hazelnut latte macchiato latte at Veldemeers Cafe 

Veldemeers Cafe

The Studio

The Studio

The Studio

Nicole Sanderson's paintings, The Studio

Went to another session of the Heaven Touching Earth conference at River of Life Eastlea. Tonight after worship it was on overcoming pessimism and living with hope and having wisdom.

Am now back where I'm flat sitting and have Ginger on my lap, giving me a clinging hug, whilst Missy the other cat also vies for my attention. 

Heaven Touches Earth

Went for a ladies morning today with people from River of Life Church in Eastlea. They have people visiting from The King's Arms Church in Bedford in the UK for their conference Heaven Touches Earth. It was a good morning of fellowship and ministry and I had someone pray for me for depression. They said I should not see my life defined as having depression and gave a prophetic picture of a Christmas tree with gifts waiting for me to unwrap that God has given me. Was encouraging. Going to go this evening to the conference at River of Life. See here for more.

Had nausea last night after taking my lithium. Hoping and praying it goes and I adjust to it. One day at a time. Have been challenged again about how public I make all of this but I feel it is good to share and I might help others possibly through their experiences of depression if they have it. At least that's what I hope and also get people who don't have it to maybe understand what those who do go through a little bit more. There are lots of us out there.

There is an art exhibition on tomorrow in Borrowdale called "Fight or Flight". Planning on going after I finish teaching art in the morning with a friend. Need to plan things to look forward to and to keep me active. There will also be the annual Verandah Gallery exhibition on Sunday. So lots of art.

Lithium Day 1

So have made the decision with my psych to start lithium and today is my first day on it. So far so good but I will have to go for blood tests every two weeks to check on toxicity levels (standard procedure). Here's hoping it stabilises me and I can not experience such big dips so frequently. Some of it is circumstantial and I have to bear that in mind but if medication can help would be great. I thankfully don't have to go into hospital and will be slowly weaned off what I have been on up until now. I have to drink lots of water as lithium is a salt and be mindful of eating healthily as it can make me put on weight like my other medication.

Have a applied for a couple of different jobs and nearly had a Chinese student for English everyday but the parents then balked at what I was charging which is a pretty standard amount and just $5 for petrol since I would have to drive across town. Oh well. Might still try do business cards to take to embassies (starting with the Chinese one). Would be good to use my CELTA properly. A friend suggested looking for CELTA work in Cape Town. Would love to but work visas are very hard to get as it is not a scarce skill. Had applied for an environmental job in Cape Town but you were supposed to have a South African work visa already.

Still thinking about a friend's point about my blog being too public. Have discussed it with my therapist and she still feels it is good for me to express myself and make my friends aware. There is a very interesting blog in South Africa which gets a number of people with bipolar to share on it. Have a look here. I enjoyed one of the bloggers who has her own blog called Blahpolar Diaries.

Also found it interesting to listen to Stephen Fry on bipolar.

From a Christian perspective a friend shared this link to a whole load of resources. Thanks Stan!

"It’s a spiritual or emotional fog that stubbornly clouds our hope and happiness. It might last for a couple hours, or for years. It might be brought on by a specific traumatic experience or a broken relationship, or it might be less traceable, more difficult to explain. Some cases are clinical and require special attention, but lots of others are just part of everyday life in a broken and failing world.

While many are lost to their depression — helplessly wandering in their own darkness — Christians have somewhere to turn, truths to rehearse until our hearts catch up with the faith in our minds. Not only did Christ save and deliver the broken-hearted, but he experiences all the pains and temptations we face and more. At the cross, he dove headfirst into the darkness, so that we might have eternal, unfading, always-increasing hope and happiness."

Struggling today

Was supposed to go for blood work today but ran late and didn't eat breakfast as I was supposed to be fasting for the blood test. Also didn't take my medication till lunchtime because of this and it has affected me. Am feeling pretty grotty and have hit a low.

A friend has said she thinks I'm too public with this blog. I don't really care. I find it a release and people can read it if they want to or don't have to if they don't. I otherwise don't really get things out and would bottle it all up inside.

One positive of today was I have a new student who I will be helping with art. I will try do some art with them and hopefully will get the creative juices flowing in my brain a bit more.

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Today sucked.

Confliction

Just heard from my Step-Mother, who was my Dad's second wife, that she and my Half-Sister met up with my Dad in the UK. It seemed to go well, although they were both apprehensive about it. My Dad apparently seemed like a changed man and asked for forgiveness for the past. For the first time he asked after me.

The big thing is my Dad is on Facebook. I don't know how I feel about that and am in two minds as to how to respond. It may be better for me to email him as I haven't communicated with him in any way since I was 14.

It brings up all sorts of mixed feelings and stuff I have buried deep inside. Apparently if I do go over to the UK my Dad is keen to meet me. I will need to be in a strong mental state for that. Had talked to my therapist and we had said it was something I would need to work through again. Haven't thought along this track in a while and there are still parts that are very painful.

Lots to process and a bit of a curveball I won't lie.

Sulpiride highs

Well I saw my psych again today and going over my weekend with her she reckons I was slightly hypomanic which could well tie in with my starting on sulpiride last week. It is the first time in a very long time I would have given my mood a ten out ten though and it felt good, so I am sad to let go of it. I was happily spending extravagantly though and there were a few other indicators of caution. I have to go for blood tests tomorrow and my doctor has said sulpiride would only be a temporary measure and I would need to make a switch in either my mood stabiliser - olanzapine to lamotrigine or bite the bullet and go on lithium.

I am a bit nervous of lithium as it has many side effects and if you ever want children you can't be on it and pregnant. My doctor does keep saying though it is the gold standard for bipolar and many people do well on it.

All this comes when I was starting to seriously think about the UK ticket and when I should go. If all goes well with the medication switch I could just make the end of summer before it starts turning grey and miserable. I think I would do better with sunshine than without but will just have to see. Guess it is one step at a time. It feels at times though like I'm a lab rat being fed different concoctions and it is all one giant brain experiment.

The crunch is my decision making as that is what invariably throws me into a spin and makes me over think. Am going to have to decide pretty soon what I'm doing about going to England and if it is just going to be a brief holiday or a working trip. Trouble is I invest too much into it and make it a weighty consideration.

On the work front here, my Czech lady bailed on me and so I need to make some business cards and try find other students. My grade 7 wrote her exam on Saturday and has cut back to just two lessons a week for now. Have found someone via Bambazonke though who wants art lessons which I'm quite excited about as it will make me do some art with them which would be good. They are a student with ZIVA - the Zimbabwe School of Vigital Arts, who wants to improve their art techniques.