I am crawling to the finish line of Friday. I haven't slept properly for the last three nights running as there is just too much on my mind and it is starting to tip me towards a very dangerous edge. I snapped at my class today and now the dear mother who sent me angry texts yesterday about her son getting "unacceptable" in his book, is taking her son's word against mine, and saying I am victimising him. She is supposed to see me tomorrow but has been calling me (I haven't answered) and sending even angrier texts. I am not looking forward to tomorrow and need to try get an early night tonight so I can just cope and make it to the weekend.
After a big blow up with my mum on Tuesday she has AT LAST got a date booked to see the specialist in Cape Town - she has to be there to see him on the 11th of March - Hallelujah! This has also really been stressing me out as she just was digging her heels and not wanting to go. I told her what a cousin had said - that if she has a bleed at school she will really traumatise the students - I know - I was traumatised by the last time and I am not an eleven year old.
At midnight last night I decided I needed to contact my therapist as I am just not doing well. She is out the country but she has said she can skype me today. I am also booked to go see my psychiatrist next week and we may need to review my medication again. I can't afford to not be on top of things.
Went to personal training today and my trainer's cousin took me again. She does usually push me a lot harder but I told her I have had very little sleep. She still made me do the work out and she said it wasn't strenuous - um, not sure about that. At the end she did breathing and grounding with me and that really helped.
OK I must finish exam papers by tomorrow and then skype Rona and then try, try very hard to sleep.
... just skyped Rona and it has helped me and given me stuff to work with to try confront things.
Whilst on the house boat in Kariba, I read the book Like Sodium in Water, written by a friend of mine. The book focuses on his teenage years and when his brother committed suicide in high school. It made me think of my own past where I have wanted to commit suicide and just end what felt like a pain that just became too heavy to keep carrying. The thing that scares me is that it could come back and my mind could once again take over and I no longer see the reason to live or rationalise that something will pass. My heart breaks for the boy in the book, for whom the battle became too great and he saw no other way out. Mental illness is no joke, and to those who have never experienced it, it is so easy to say, "Oh they could just snap out of it!" No, quite frankly you can't. Your mind goes into obsessive, negative thinking that drags you down to a point that can seem beyond return.
To read of the family that was left behind's response and how they had to learn to cope with life without the boy who died did show me how it would impact those left behind and change their lives forever. Another thing that is said is that the person who commits suicide is just being incredibly selfish. Well at the point where you have summoned up the courage to do it, you have talked yourself so deep into believing that you are not worth the dust of this earth and you would do everyone a favour by ending your life, you are not, I assure you doing it out of self interests. Most of the time, for someone to reach that stage, they are most likely suffering from extreme depression or other mental illness and the chemicals in their brain have gone completely out of kilter. Your view of the world is warped and you just don't see things like a rational people would - no matter how hard someone tries to drum it into you. A person in this condition needs psychiatric help, medication and a caring environment where most importantly, they are not judged. Sadly this is not freely available to most people living in Zimbabwe and even when it is, there is huge stigma.
From my own personal experience I have popped pills in the past to end it all. Paracetomol was probably my most dangerous attempt. Once I started swallowing those pills I just didn't stop and no longer cared. I had to go to an emergency room, where I was forced to drink water. I have never felt so ill as I did after that. The doctor who saw me berated me and told me to take responsibility for my life. I was mocked that I was the same age as him and yet could do something "so childish".
I am hoping to try organise another evening to discuss depression and mental health soon. We had one in November and I think it was a huge step in tackling the stigma and start talking openly about mental illness.
Kariba was a good break. Was dropped at my mum's school on Monday afterwards to be greeted by one of the other teachers telling me my mum had had "an incident"! Well my immediate thought was she had had another bleed at school and I panicked. Am really trying to get my mum to go down to Cape Town soon but she is putting up resistance and being very stubborn about teaching. The school has already said she can go but she feels she needs to still be at school. As my sister bluntly put it, the school can easily replace my mum, but her friends and family cannot. It is hard to reason with my mum though and I have to live with her. Well it wasn't a bleed thankfully, but my next thought was either my mum got held up at gun point again or my dad, who is currently back in the country, had appeared. Eventually my mum's colleague told me that with our gate motor being on the blink the propped back gate had swung against the car and scraped off paint. Well of all the scenarios this was definitely the best, although the other teacher was semi implying that if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.
Had a bit of a relationship bump and I hardly slept a wink on Monday night. Getting back into school routine on Tuesday was good for me though and took my mind off things. Had two whatsapp calls with first a good friend in England and then just now with one in Australia which have helped and whereas in the past I might have reacted to everything with thoughts of self harm, I was able to do an intense gym session yesterday and doing ball slams really was therapeutic. Also pushed myself quite hard and surprised myself that I didn't collapse after ten T rotations. Much less destructive, thanks to Cara and Demi.
Wrote in my one student's book today that his homework was unacceptable - it was very shoddy and he had not listened to what I had asked for, even though I had said it three times and others managed to do it correctly. Well, I got a series of reprimanding messages from the mother this afternoon saying it had greatly upset him (he seemed fine when he left school). Another student yesterday hadn't again come prepared to do their talk on plastic pollution, even though I had given another day and said it had to be done. I am afraid I made him do it any way, there and then. Had him in tears after. Hopefully will get to Friday without any more upsets.
The deputy head did a lovely assembly on the story of the selfish crocodile and used plastic animals as props to tell it. I thought it was super and told her and she said she had forgotten it was her turn and only realised ten minutes before assembly and she had nearly asked me to do it instead - ahaha! I would not have been ready, eeeek. Next week we are having a book week. We will do book reviews for creative writing and then on Friday the students are to come dressed as their favourite character and bring a book to donate to a children's home. Our one little Russian boy put his hand up in assembly and said could the book be in Russian. We said yes but he has to write about it in English, to which he said, but no, in Russian? Eventually his sister leaned over and tapped him on the shoulder and muttered to him in Russian and he said, "But, but, ...", to which she gave him this stern look, and that was the end of his objections.
So in case you're still reading and wondering what "Amazoning" is ... I did climate change with my class today and I asked them what they knew about it. One boy shoots up his hand and says it is to do with the hole in the Amazon and it causes "Amazoning" - I think he meant the ozone layer and global warming. Showed them a video of Greta Thunberg speaking about climate action and told them that she is only 3 years older than some of them. I left out the bit about students in Europe doing stay aways from school in protest - not giving them too many ideas!
Was up early yesterday as a friend treated me to a visit to the hair dresser which was fun. They used a new hair relaxing product - was a bit nervous as we were the first people to have it tried on. At one point it did start burning and I think it burnt my hair slightly in that spot. Has given my hair more volume though, and it feels silkier. I was supposed to have my hair steamed but by this point I needed to get home to pick up birthday presents and pick up my boyfriend Matthew to treat him out to lunch at Aroma. Saw quite a few people I knew at Aroma and the beetroot and pecorino ravioli was flower shaped and yummy. I hope Matt enjoyed his panini. Watched some rugby and cricket with him and then came home and did some more clearing and some school work.
This morning I went to church at the Base Church with my mum. I haven't been in a long time (I tend to go to St Georges with Matt). A whole lot of the children I used to teach in kids church were so much bigger than when I saw them last. I had also forgotten how much more participation from the congregation is required and how much more emotional people can be. It was good to see people though and people from the Base have been so good to my mum and I. Guy Veldman from the church in Ballito was preaching.
After church I visited my friend Kim and it was really nice to have girly conversations and catch up. Was lent a book written by a friend, Hayden Eastwood, and already dipping into it. I remember when he shared the first chapter in writing group a while ago. Found a stray dog on the way home and took it to the 24 hour vet. Luckily it was microchipped and was returned to its owners promptly, so there was a very happy ending. It was a lovely dog and so friendly. My mum was going to stop at each house along Edinburgh to try find the owner but I told her we didn't have the petrol or time. The 24 hour vet was a much better bet.
Have a three day week of school - YAY!! Then off to Kariba at 5 am on Thursday. My students are doing their presentations on plastic pollution and what they can do to reduce their waste and one alternative to plastic packaging on Wednesday. Apparently my one student went to his mum and said they needed to talk. She thought oh oh, what is coming next, but he launched into did she know that the earth is drowning in plastic and it all goes into Lake Chivero and then the sea and what are we going to do about it? Glad my lesson was so effective. We will see what they come up with on Wednesday. I will make little eco-warriors out of them yet. I started with wetlands and now it's plastic. Next up, climate change.
Well my Friday nights haven't looked like the top for a while. Am so glad it is Friday though. This week has been a bit of a killer. Six weeks of term down, eight to go, but next weekend is half term and I will be in Kariba (Yay!) Went to two pharmacies yesterday to ask about anti-malarials. The one I have opted for isn't 100% effective BUT I had some at home already and the other, which is apparently much more effective costs US$60. I will take Peaceful Sleep too and hope for the best on Deltaprim.
At break yesterday, the head said my class was all lined up in "the petrol queue" waiting to read when I got there. As she went past my classroom, I drove in and the one boy called out, "Mrs Bernade the petrol tanker has arrived." This did make me laugh when she told me at break, but is possibly not the most flattering nickname I've had. Am wondering how much further this fuel queue line is going to go.
My mum despite objections went to school yesterday and taught. My sister had a very stern word with her last night but she doggedly went in again today. She did see the specialist today and my good friend Warren in Cape Town, who is a medic, kindly answered some questions my mum had. Thank you Warren! Need to contact the specialist down there and make a booking and then go from there with organising flights etc.. We are skyping my aunt just now, as soon as load shedding ends and she is online.
The student who was violently ill everywhere last week brought me a very sweet Valentines card and choccies yesterday. I think I have forgiven him now for making me clean up :P Matt, my boyfriend, took me for dinner at Mojo's which was lovely. The first Valentines I've ever had with my own real Valentine. It was special. It is his birthday this weekend so I need to finish making something and I'm taking him to lunch at the restaurant owned by the family of the Sardinian boy I used to tutor.
Well my boys today continued with the petrol queue quips, while lining up to read. This time the one boy was a mini bus taxi or commuter trying to jump the queue (too funny). They have all finally caught on that the quicker you do your reading, the more time you have to play before the bell goes (and it makes my life easier instead of having to keep calling them in).
Had a very good environmental science lesson with them on plastic pollution. Found the Alliance to End Plastic Waste and Friends of the Earth websites very useful and they found the statistics hard hitting. I played them the video below and a clip from Blue Planet II and they now have to prepare a presentation for next week telling me ten things that they can do personally to reduce their plastic waste and to find out about one new alternative material which has been developed to replace plastic. They all got quite passionate and enthused.
Had a much better maths lesson and my student that gets anxious grasped the concept today and had a smile on his face. Just need to try get him to not get his knickers in a knot the first time.
Our friend Veronique has been amazing and ferried my mum to the doctor today while I was at work and also made us a meal which will actually do us for three. She is the closest thing we have to family here, and we actually do see her as family. She was at university with my mum and they have been friends ever since. The specialist was called out on an emergency, so didn't see my mum today but my mum was given info to start getting pre-authorisation from BUPA and we have the names and addresses of five possible surgeons in Cape Town. BUPA will cover everything, including the air fare. There is a special on at the moment for British Airways - you can pay $500 in swipe/bond (that's amazing!) BUT you have to pay by tomorrow and you have to change planes in Joburg. We don't know yet how long it is all going to take and RwandAir flies directly to Cape Town, which would mean my mum doesn't have to walk in OR Tambo, so probably going with them.
OK, I better finish marking. Skyping some friends who will be in Zim again from Germany this evening. Am drinking coffee in the afternoon to stay awake (haven't had to do this in quite some time). Half term can't come soon enough.
School was a bit of a whirlwind again this morning. I had a long queue of waiting readers at my desk and the kids started saying, "Miss Lannas there's a fuel queue." One boy came late and said he was a diesel engine, could he cut in front of the petrol cars? Shows which country these children live in. The boy wanting to be the diesel engine was told he is treading on very thin ice at the moment with his work ethic. He promptly asked what he can do to make the ice thicker. My one boy who suffers from depression burst into tears again in maths. Saw his mum at lunchtime and she said this is part of his anxiety. Need to gently try again tomorrow and maybe try a different angle.
So the big news, my mum is finally home. But ... she claims the doctor said it was OK to go back to work tomorrow. She does have a follow up appointment with him tomorrow morning though at his surgery and she said he said she must look at going down to Cape Town next week. I find the two things rather contradictory. Am trying to get her to sit with her leg up. She's not really listening. Her cellulitis has to come down for her to fly but if she doesn't rest it won't! I can only do so much though.
Am supposed to be going to Kariba next week Thursday for half term with my boyfriend and some other friends. Our gardener should be able to take care of things if we are both away, but just have to now plan for my mum's imminent trip for surgery and liaise with my aunt. My mum could be gone at least three weeks.
Has sort of flipped things upside down a bit. Made me suddenly think about life without my mum. She has never been in hospital or really sick apart from pneumonia once.
Getting going this morning was a bit of a juggling act and I felt like I was dropping balls, but it got better when I got back into routine. Two of my boys made me laugh. They told me they were going to play video games after school at one of their houses, so I said, "Oh, so you're having a play date?" The look I got! The one said, "No Miss Lannas, we call it bro-time or socialising. We're not in grade one." Alrighty then. Those terms are new to me.
From my post last night, lots of people got in touch to either offer pressure stockings or to all refer me to a supplier on Kingsmead in Borrowdale. I decided it would be better to get new ones as they need to fit exactly to work properly. I phoned the supplier and they had the size I needed for my mum. They quoted US$55 or 250 bond. Gulp. I planned to go after school but teachers at break said on my way I should try the Village Pharmacy and QV in Sam Levy's. I did this and guess what? They also had the exact size AND they were 3 bond cheaper - it made me feel better even though it was such a small difference and it also meant I didn't have to try find the other place and I managed to go get my mum a new SIM so she can use the phone my sister gave her and be on Whatsapp finally. So I killed several birds at once. I did nearly lose it though in Econet when I thought the assistant was trying to tell me I couldn't queue and fill out a form at the same time. He actually was trying to tell me I could process getting a SIM on the side and didn't need to join the main queue but I misunderstood him and nearly became very angry.
My mum moves back home tomorrow. The specialist will tell her before she is discharged details for booking for surgery in Cape Town. She will probably be away for at least three weeks. I am worried though that if my mum doesn't go almost immediately she is going to start over doing it. She is already muttering she needs to go into school and tidy up her classroom before she goes - NO! So if you hear stories of my mother being locked in the house, you know why. I did tell her tonight she can't afford to undo all the treatment she has just received and the principals from school said she needs to just get better.
Very special, long time family friends, the Makings, had me over for dinner this evening. It was nice to have some company and have a long chat and unburden a bit.
I need to get to bed as it has been a long day and I have school tomorrow. My mum needed her cream for her veins - didn't realise she didn't have it. Unfortunately I dropped it in the car park and quite a bit went all over the paving. Hopefully it will stop her veins getting agitated. The doctor reckons she should be able to come out of Healthpoint on Tuesday. I walked in on her having a meeting with the two principals of the International School. Luckily they have said she must get better and there is no rush to get back to school and they are OK with her going down to Cape Town (I should have maybe not have posted that before that was discussed with them).
I had a frustrating time after that trying to find a pressure stocking from pharmacies in Avondale and the Avenues. I went to about 10 chemists with no luck. A lady at church though has and it may be the right size for my mum. It has to be the right size. Failing that one pharmacy gave me a number to order it on directly and another friend saw my Instagram post and has given me the number of the lady who imports them for Zimbabwe. Afraid by this point I started feeling a bit sorry for myself and the full impact of everything seemed to hit me full in the face. I think I need to up my lithium tonight as this is the second time this week I have become tearful and emotional. I think it is PMS too.
Tomorrow is a full day of school. I have stuff packed already for my class to use to make Valentine cards and have a whole lot of Pinterest ideas. Hopefully will be fun and my class will show some enthusiasm. I think I am in for another week of Fortnite. One boy had his birthday on Friday and brought a Fortnite cake to school. One of the other boys came and wrote down the number of the bakery so he can also order such a cake for his birthday at the end of February.
My one student gave me a very different version of nocturnal as a spelling. I got "knock terminal". I did get what he was trying to say though.
My mum is in high spirits on her comfy hospital bed with a stream of visitors and good hospital food. She has requested a slice of cheesecake though from Classic Desserts tomorrow. I will oblige. As a joke she asked the nurse for champagne and the lady next door asked for wine - between the two of them :P Well the news was not so good from the specialist today. He has concluded it is my mum's varicose veins and faulty valves in her legs. This could lead to ulcers on her veins - not nice and future bleeds (I don't think I can handle more of those). It is a worry that when I am at work and if she is at home and had another one, I wouldn't be there). Well Dr Magaya has said he wants the cellulitis to clear up first, but as soon as it has, she needs to get on a plane and go down to Cape Town for laser surgery on her veins. It will take two to three weeks. Once again, THANK GOD we're on BUPA ... and, my mum's sister lives in Cape Town. I don't think I will be able to go down with her.
So there's my news. I joined a short petrol queue in Kensington and thankfully got a full tank. My dogs at home are very confused about where my mum is and they followed me through to the bathroom which still smells a bit even though I used Jik and Handyandy in large quantities. The dogs looked at me as if to say, "did you kill your mother?"
A big thank you to all, both near and far who have lent support. In particular the Lomagundi home group from the Base Church have been amazing with visiting my mum and keeping her spirits up, as well as praying for her and our friends Vee, Carolina, Deborah and my boyfriend Matthew. People have been very kind.
My student that was sick everywhere on Wednesday didn't come to school yesterday. His mum said he told her, "But Miss Lannas would want me to be at school." Er, no, I didn't really want to wipe up more vomit and sanitise more books.
Well it turns out wiping up puke was not the only thing to gross me out this week. Got home last night and just before my mum and I went to bed, my mum suddenly called out from the bathroom, "oh my goodness, what is happening?" I first thought there was a snake but then she said she was bleeding and it was just gushing out. She told me to get cotton wool, so I fumbled around but then saw how much blood there was and told her a towel would be better. I was beginning to feel flustered and ever so slightly queasy. I really am not good with the sight of blood oozing out. It just didn't let up so I made the decision that we should get an ambulance as by now the floor was covered. I quickly looked up on my phone, the post I shared last year about ambulance services that have fuel to come collect you. Found one service but when I phoned they said it would take at least half an hour - I started to get a bit panicky, so phoned a second medic rescue. They said ten minutes. I tried to phone the first back to cancel but couldn't get through. Ten minutes passed and I was getting really anxious and told my mum I would drive her there. We had just got to the car when what I thought was the ten minute ambulance arrived. Actually transpired they were the half hour one and the ten minute one then started phoning to say did I still want an ambulance and I said incorrectly it had already arrived.
Anyway, eventually got my mum to Healthpoint trauma centre. Turned out the ambulance didn't know how to get there! So they had to follow me. Eternally grateful for the medical aid we are on being international and covering all costs for now. Meant my mum could be admitted and treated. The paperwork took an age though as they kept giving me the wrong forms and I eventually left my mum at 1.30 this morning, to have to wake up at 5 for school. My day was made though when I arrived at school to a tibouchina floral spray on my desk from my student who had been sick. I thought he must somehow know, but no, he just decided to give me flowers today, bless him. I have somehow managed to acquire an awful lot of marking for this weekend but I keep telling myself I would have had way more work if I had not gone into school today (which I was tempted to do when the paperwork took so long).
They are not quite sure what has caused the rupture of the artery in my mum's leg, so need to still do further tests. She is still in hospital for now and I am manning the home front. I need to head to bed though now. It has been quite a hectic 24 hours.
Yesterday I had a bit of a downer. Little things got to me and pulled me down. Need to try adjust my thinking. Doing bit better today but it has been quite a morning of school. The first student I got to read suddenly started retching and I pretty much propelled him out the classroom but we didn't quite get there in time. I narrowly missed having him throw up all over me. Cleaned him up and my classroom and the morning carried on. He decided he was well enough to rejoin us but just before home time I had him handing out books and round two came on. This time he was sick all over the books, himself and one of the other student's jacket. Poor boy burst into tears. I got him to go wash down and then had the unenviable job of cleaning up again. This is a new addition to my teaching duties and I am not sure how keen I am on cleaning up puke. I started to feel sick.
Had my Chinese six year old online and wished him happy new year. Managed to coax out the story of Nian and the colour red from him and he then decided to be a human firework and do lots of arm movements for me. We ended with him drawing a very complex form of noughts and crosses. I still don't quite follow.
School has now resumed to normal after the disruptions of the stay away. I set the stay away as one of my story topics today. A few wrote on it and how the internet went off. Otherwise I have had detailed descriptions on how to play Fortnite for my topic of A Game.
