The issue of being childless & slightly exhausted

Today's lessons with Ira went better in that he didn't cry or howl like he did yesterday but he wasn't paying attention so it was a song and dance routine with a bit of bargaining over when he finished something he would be allowed to go play. He enjoyed sorting things into groups for numbers and he threw himself into the environmental science part on water where he could pour water into different containers and see its properties. When he first came to our classroom he did try to run away which I had a hunch he might do after yesterday but after that there were no bolts for the gate like yesterday - phew. At the end though it didn't feel like I only started this yesterday. Felt like it had been at least a week of it already.

Runbo was much gentler with his puppy this afternoon and his dad asked for tips on having a puppy. We spent a good part of the lesson in the garden. Next week will be my last week with Runbo before he goes to China for a month for Chinese New Year and to be with his mum who is there and about to have a baby brother for Runbo. The magic suitcase did captivate both Ira and Runbo and was a success.

Am feeling a bit like I am not part of the group with friends who have babies. I don't mind being with friends little ones but when the talk all shifts to child birth and comparing notes on babies it can be isolating. Have had people say when am I going to have a baby as if it is as simple as planning a party. I would like children but after a friend's experience with depression, pregnancy and medication I am wary. I wouldn't be able to be on lithium and that could really affect my mental health and being on other drugs while pregnant is risky. There's then also the consideration that if I had a child, would I be well enough to look after it. One would hope to be in a relationship and have support and not doing it on my own but as the mother it is a huge strain if you are not well mentally and have a child dependent on you. The other thing is that I could pass on the genes which predispose one to depression.

To have a baby the obvious thing is to have a partner which so far isn't happening. Should that happen it is also the financial cost which is not to be taken lightly. It would not be fair to my Mum to fall pregnant and be a single parent.

So for the short term it doesn't look likely just yet. I just wish some friends could appreciate this.